Ladies and gentlemen, we once again welcome you to the luxurious South Beach Hotel, Casino and Convention Center for the annual induction ceremonies for the Fuckboy Hall of Fame! These prestigious awards were started in 1983 by the Academy of Bitchnigga Arts and Sciences and have become one of the most renowned accolades in the Fuckboy community. With plaques and busts of past inductees such as Kanye West, Clarence Thomas, and all the dark-skinned characters from Tyler Perry movies, over seven or eight people visit the Hall of Fame every year. After careful consideration, our esteemed panel of judges, real negus, former fuckniggas and people passing judgement as they wait for haircuts have selected 5 recipients for 2016. Many have asked–“what defines a fuckboy?” The answer is always the same:
You’ll know a fuckboy when you see one.
And now the 2016 class of the Fuckboy Hall of Fame:
Future: Receiving the highest percentage of votes this year was Future. He was almost a unanimous selection but some of our older members thought we were calling the actual future a Fuckboy, so they wouldn’t vote for him because their time on this earth is limited. Two members didn’t vote for him because they were too busy figuring out if he is technically a singer or a rapper. Drake (class of 2013) abstained.
He wasn’t voted in because he went to war with his baby mama, although that is lame. He wasn’t even voted in because he went to war with his baby mama publicly. Future was voted in because he went to war with his baby mama publicly on Twitter. That’s some fuckboy shit. One of the surest ways to garner a nomination as a Fuckboy is to start a beef on social media. Ask Meek Mills (class of 2015).
Male Feminists This is a new phenomenon that has emerged in the liberal corners of the internet, but it is one of the new frontiers of the fuckboy movement. The sensitive, evolved male feminists are the equal of the “white allies” whose wardrobes are filled with nothing but Che Guevara and “I Can’t Breathe” t-shirts. White allies who can quote obscure Eldridge Cleaver speeches and go to the Black Lives Matter meetings want nothing more than to be accepted enough so they can say the word “nigger.” Similarly, the sympathetic rub-your-back-without-wanting-sex male feminism is just part of a convoluted plot to get some pussy. One of the biggest indicators of male or white privilege is the belief that the privileged person can set aside their privilege at any time and be just like you, because thats how privilege works.
Males can contribute to feminism in the same way whites can contribute to racial equality: Stop doing it.
Otherwise get the fuck outta here with that fuckboy shit.
Don’t forget your trophy.
Ben Carson Fuckboys love to lie about fights they’ve been in, but it seems like Ben made up his entire life. He tried to convince us that he was a triple OG who tried to stab his friend “Bob” in the dick while saving white people from the 1968 riots and foiling robberies of fried chicken restaurants, but we knew he was a Fuckboy because Real Negus don’t blink that many times per second. This alone wouldn’t have gotten him a nomination, nor would his Republican campaign. But when he suspended his run for the presidency and endorsed Donald Trump, the entire selection committee knew he would sail through the nominating process. He’s a first-ballot Fuckboy Hall-of -Famer.
The Entire NBA I’m not saying that every NBA player is a Fuckboy, but so far 2016 has been a banner year for bitchassness in the NBA. The “Association” was always a nexus for fuckboiletry like Lebron leaving Cleveland because a teammate slept with his mom or the Indiana Pacers breaking up a promising team because two of their stars “crossed swords” during a threesome, while a stripper was pregnant with one of their children. But the season hadn’t even begun yet when Mat Barnes kicked off the “Season of the Pussyboy” by showing up at Derek Fisher’s house for an impromptu mixed martial arts match over Barnes’ ex wife. Then darling player and budding superstar Kyrie Irving was caught in the middle of a cheating/suicide/Instagram scandal with an R&B singer named “The Fuckboy Next Door.” I think that’s his name, right?
A few days later, Lakers’ young superstar D’Angelo Russell made a bid for singular entrance into the Hall by chucking the “Man Law” booklet in the wind and taping a teammate talking about infidelity. He better be glad Swaggy P was cheating on Iggy Azalea, and not someone people liked or there would have been a much larger uproar. Apparently they didn’t know that a Real Negus keeps his business so quiet that his dick shouldn’t even know who it’s about to enter until he zips down his pants. Who sits around and discusses who they’re sleeping with, anyway? Here’s the answer: 14 year-old virgins telling lies…
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: The DM Slider This honoree has built one of the most impressive resumes in the history of Fuckboyness. He began in 1998 by finding random women on AOL instant messenger and asking them “A/S/L?” After a brief stint with Yahoo Yessenger and paltalk, he hit the big time in the mid 2000’s with Myspace. He sent innocent messages to spark up platonic conversations that would always get creepy. After constantly shuffling women in and out of his “Top 8” he discovered Facebook in 2009, and began a distinguished career of sliding into DM’s whenever any woman on his friend’s list broke up with her boyfriend or just felt a little lonely. The DM slider is always up to some fuckboy shit because his girlfriend eventually hacks his account and he leaves for a few months to “take a break from social media.” (Note: The dramatic announcement of your exit from Facebook is Fuckboy indicative.) I hope all the women who are attending this ceremony will go onto Instagram and congratulate the Fuckboy who sent you the “So… you’re single now?”direct message on his induction. Or you can just wait until 3 a.m. on a Saturday and respond “congrats” when you receive that “WYD” text.
Thank you all for coming. We will see you next year.