At the beginning of a new year and another awards season, we are also faced with the prospect of four years where the emboldened Alt-right white supremacists put a privileged, pussy-grabbing, nacho cheese-colored dicktard in the Oval office, there is at least a little good news:
It’s time for the Induction Ceremony for the White People in Black People Hall Of Fame!
Every year our panelists select a group of cool-ass white people (not to be confused with “Wypipo,” who we don’t fuck with) to go in the section of the Black People Hall of Fame. The panelists are not given a specific set of criteria, except that the White person they choose must be someone Black people would invite to a cookout. If you feel we missed anyone or made a mistake, let us know in the comment section. Here is this year’s list of nominees:
For the next few days, your social media news feeds and television talk shows will be filled with tributes to Barack Obama and the first family as they leave the White house and become regular citizens. With all of the hoopla surrounding the Obamas’ return to the regular citizenry, everyone seems to have forgotten about Obama’s ally and BFF, “Joe Cool.”
I’ve always loved Joe Biden.
Before Obama entered the presidential race in 23008, I had resigned myself to the fact that I could never vote for someone who called me a “Superpredator,” so I was prepared to throw all my support behind Joe Biden, because I always felt like he was my long-lost uncle, sporting aviator sunglasses, cussing in inappropriate situations and doing that old school Black man click-and-point move whenever he sees someone he likes across the room. Not only is Biden one of the greatest shade-throwers of all time, Joe Biden is always down to fight. In fact, as fucked up as the secret service was during Obama’s two terms, I was never worried about the Black president’s safety as long as Joe was around. If anyone dared fuck with Barack, I am positive Joe would’ve pulled out his knife before Michelle could take off her stilettos and earrings (you know she’s gonna jump in).
Why does Joe carry a knife? All old Black guys carry a knife in their pocket. Don’t believe me? Well, just walk up to the next Black man you see over 60 and ask if you can borrow his knife and watch what happens.
I told you.
There are two kinds of humor: Wypipo jokes and BlackPeopleFunny.
Wypipo jokes will make you smile, and sometimes chuckle. I even like Wypipo jokes. One time, when I was alone in a hotel, I watched an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond and I didn’t hate it. I loved David Letterman, and Seinfeld was one of my favorite shows.
But you have to be careful with BlackPeopleFunny because you might get a cramp in your side from laughing. It will make tears come from your eyes. It’s why the list of the greatest comedians of all time is Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Dave Chapelle, Bill Cosby, Chris Rock, and a few random White guys for the purposes of inclusion.
And Gary Owens is a White man who is BlackPeopleFunny. Most Wypipo don’t know his name, But ask a Black person, and they’ll say, “Oh yeah! The White comedian who’s married to a Black woman? He’s funny as shit!”
The White Stoner
I have a theory:
I believe in the next few years racism is going to lessen dramatically, and it won’t be because of progressive ideas, politics or a common consciousness, it will be because, as marijuana legalization spreads, more people will smoke weed instead of drinking alcohol, and began contemplating the stupidity of hate.
In the pantheon of cool caucasian motherfuckers, none is higher (see what I… OK, I know you did) than the White stoner. When you find a white guy who likes smoking weed, you know he is going to be a chill dude. In fact, if the NAACP and the Southern Poverty Law center really wants to fight racism, they should anonymously donate a bunch of crosses to the KKK, but instead of making them out of oak or pine, make them out of pressed marijuana. Then, when the Grand Dragon lights one on someone’s lawn, everyone rethinks their position and–viola!–problem solved!
Ask anyone who doesn’t watch Game of Thrones who Daenerys Targaryen is, and they won’t know (Although they will say, “that’s a pretty name! I was going to name my baby L’doria MichelleObama Jackson, but now I’m rethinking it!”) But even if they don’t have HBO, they will know who Khaleesi is. Khaleesi is the greatest feminist superhero ever, and she is so hip hop. She has more names than Nikki Minaj (Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons) I know there’s going to be a female MC that comes out in the next few years named BlacKhaleesi, and her mixtape is going to be fire! (See what I did there?)
Plus Khaleesi is literally a ride or die chick, but Khaleesi rides dragons.
We like White people who will tell other White people the truth, and Jon Stewart has been one of those for years. I ain’t mad at Trevor Noah (I kinda like him, and his new book, Born a Crime is phenomenal) but do you think Tomi Lauhren would’ve taken her privileged Aryan ass onto The Daily Show if Jon Stewart was there? Maybe she would have, but she would’ve left shitting out of two places, because he would’ve torn her a new asshole.
That’s why we love Jon, because for years the Daily show was the only show on TV that called out the anti-Obama racism and the Fox News lies. I know what you’re thinking–“it’s not a news show,” and you’re right. But there are no more “news shows” on TV, and once Jon Stewart left The Daily Show we cast a suspecting side-eye at any white man sitting behind a desk trying to convince us he’s telling the truth. Television news is for White people who live in Wyoming, people who want to see high school football highlights and anyone who needs to know if they should take an umbrella to work tomorrow. We know Jon Stewart wasn’t giving us real news because no one on TV gives us real news.
But we miss him.
Two years ago I recorded a podcast at the 50th Anniversary one of the greatest moments in civil rights history (you can listen to it here.) One of the people I happened upon was a retired college professor who told me the story of Viola Luizzo:
Viola Luizzo was a 39-year-old housewife and mother of five living in Michigan. She would watch the civil rights protests on TV and get angry at how police officers treated the Black protesters. While attending a protest at Wayne State in Detroit, Luizzo heard Dr. Martin Luther King ask for volunteers to help with a 54-mile civil rights march from Selma, AL to Montgomery to protest voter registration policies.
She decided to drive all the way to Selma.
She marched three days in a row. After the third and final night of the march, she assisted with driving protesters from Montgomery back to Selma. While stopped at a red light, a car filled with Klan members saw Luizzo in the car with a Black man–19-year-old Victor Moton–so they tried to force them off the road. When this failed, they pulled up alongside the car and three men pulled out guns and began shooting.
Then they shot Viola Luizzo in the head. Twice.
She was the only White woman to die in the Selma to Montgomery marches. Before she left home, she told her husband the reason she felt she had to go:
“It’s everybody’s fight now.”