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5 Reasons My Black Card Could Be Revoked
  1. I’ve never had bacon – Like… ever. Even the smell of it cooking makes my stomach queasy. It smells like… well… a pig frying in pig fat. I know it’s not very negroid of me. Plus, lately the love for bacon has exploded so much it seems like they have put bacon flavor in everything: Doritos. Hot dogs. Ice Cream. I’m not sure, but I think there is a bacon flavor of Kool-Aid. If not, I will take 2.4% of all proceeds, and… you’re welcome (By the way, the fact that there is not a bacon-flavored condom is proof that they don’t want us to be great.)I know that, according to Article II Section 3 of the Black Constitution I’m supposed to have a can of bacon grease in a coffee can on my stove (Did I mention I’ve never had a cup of coffee?) but if if the melanin police come for me, I will know that it was one of you who told, and you know snitches get stitches. I will admit that I’m probably not going to give you stitches because I hate the site of blood, but I keep a pot of hot grits (salt only) simmering on the stove where the bacon grease should be, and I will Al Green your ass.

    That’s right. Snitches get gritsses (is that a word?)

  2. I don’t believe parents should beat their kids – Let me be clear–I think “whipping” or “spanking” or “corporal punishment” is simply using violence as a tool to teach children. I don’t think it works (and before you interrupt me with “my mama whipped me, and…” please don’t). Almost everyone who comes at me with that argument is pretty fucked up, themselves. Plus, even if you turned out right it doesn’t mean it was the whippings that did it. That’s like me saying I’m smart because my mom used that thick, green Dax grease on my hair, and it was my brain food.I think it is a remnant of the whippings of slavery that Black parents use violence when we know without a shadow of a doubt that there are other ways to teach and convey messages.I don’t believe in it, but I also don’t think parents who use corporal punishment should be arrested or have their children taken from them. I just think it is an ineffective, violent and mean way to teach children, but I wouldn’t call the police because we all have different ideas on child-rearing and also…

    Gritsses.

  3.  I don’t know what “the anointing” is – I know what anointing oil is, and I know what it means to anoint someone, but I’ve always been very unsure what “the anointing” specifically means. I am 62% sure it means “she can sing church songs like a motherfucker” but I wouldn’t bet my mortgage payment on it. All I know is that whenever someone with the anointing uses it, people are gonna shout…Like a motherfucker.
  4. I don’t line dance  –  I tapped out of line dancing after the Electric Slide. I think I may have learned the cupid shuffle one night while drunk at a wedding reception, but it didn’t stick. To be honest–I don’t get the point of line dancing. Dancing for me is either a freestyle expression of my body, mind and soul feeling the music I’m listening to, or an opportunity to rub crotches on thighs. I don’t get any pleasure from doing predetermined steps in a crowd. Line dancing is just a way for the DJ to get your aunt to have fun at the family reunion. If you look on the dance floor when they are playing “The Wobble” it will be filled with ladies in leopard print blouses and bunny heels.They’d love to “drop it low” but neither their knees nor the anointing will allow them to do it.

    5. My other Black Card confessions – 

  • I don’t believe Beyoncé’s booty is that “-licious.” Its aight.
  • I didn’t think the TV show Martin was that funny.
  • If I had to choose between seeing all Black people free and prospering or washing out an empty pitcher that once had Orange Kool-Aid in it, I’d have to seriously think about it.
  • I can’t understand why people like John Legend or Alicia Keys’ voices–except for use as an alarm clock.
  • I think all Jordans are ugly.
  • Sometimes I feel bad about taking your three books for reneging.
  • If you gave me 45 minutes I believe I could write 395 Blues songs with better lyrics than any I’ve heard.
  • My favorite cake is pound cake and believe Red Velvet is just a mechanism for the Devil to seduce your taste buds. It’s red, but it’s chocolate, but with white icing… It’s like a woman with four titties… Too much.
  • If you didn’t put barbecue sauce on it, I’m not calling it “barbecue.”
  • Collard greens < Cabbage
  • I think OJ, Bill Cosby and Troy Davis did it.
  • I believe Kim Kardashian is a talentless media whore, but when she releases booty pictures… I’mma look.
  • 70% of jazz sounds like milquetoast garbage to me.
  • I’d rather have hash browns.

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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