Here at NegusWhoRead we have a long history of defining, categorizing and indexing the curious phenomena known as Fuckboys. Although there is an infinite number of definitions for “Fuckboy,” including:
A person who is a weak ass pussy that ain’t bout shit.
A manipulating dick who does whatever it takes to benefit him, regardless of who he screws over. They will screw over anyone and everyone as long they get what they want.
The fuckiest of the fucks, a “fuckboy” is the lowest possible form of the vile, degenerate waste pouring from the proverbial asshole of society. Calling some a fuckboy is the verbal equivalent of the orally penetrating their mother, their dog, and their girlfriend in the span of approximately 3.94 seconds, and is only to be used on people who make pre-school slurs like “fucker” and “cunt” look like tokens of sainthood.
Truthfully speaking, “Fuckboy” is a malleable term combining two of the most disrespectful terms in the Black English language–a “fuck nigga” and a “boy.” Scientifically speaking, a fuckboy is a fuck nigga who hasn’t matured yet. Although we rarely focus on the fuck zygote or the fuck embryo, we should not discount them just because the fuckboy stage is the longest part of the fuck nigga life cycle. In fact, the only way to stop someone from turning into a fuck nigga is to catch them before they start exhibiting fuck symptoms at 4 years old. Early childhood development experts warn that once a male child enters the sage of fuck toddlerhood, 92% become fuckboys and 3 out of 4 of those fuckboys go on to become full-fledged fuck niggas.
Anyway, a few days ago, 50 Cent, who was inducted into the Fuckboy Hall of Fame in 2012, shared this cryptic post on Instagram about his ex–Vivica Fox:
I won’t attempt to dissect this shade, or question whether it was a part of a publicity stunt, or a public “clap back” at his ex girlfriend. I just want to use this incident to point out one of the largest-growing portions of the fuck community:
The social media fuckboy.
The social media fuckboy is separate from the other classifications of fuckdom. He is an entirely different genus and species. In fact, social media fuckboys don’t even have to be fuckboys in real life. Just like the friends struggling to pay their bills, stuck in bad relationships and have a half a semester of junior college who transform themselves into scholarly, experts of relationships and finance on Facebook, average everyday guys can devolve into fuckboys online when confronted with the anonymity and power of cyberspace.
Social Media Fuckboys are a combination of internet troll and attention whore. Although the NegusWhoRead research staff has yet to find a single incident where social media fuckboyism has translated into money, pussy or any other tangible thing, it still persists. The social media fuckboy breaks down into three categories:
The Direct Messenger FBoy – Most woman knows this guy because it goes down in his DMs. From what I hear, every woman on Twitter and Facebook is inundated with messages from dudes trying to holla. And apparently, when ladies sign up for Instagram, the inbox comes prestocked with dick pics. What separates the DM fuckboy from any other guy using social media to try to get a date is that the DM fuckboy knows you have a man. Your man might even be the DM fuckboy’s best friend, but he still wants to shoot his shot. In fact, an entire cottage tech industry has arisen because of this type of fuckboyletry. Before Snapchat became the app that used all of the advances of digital photographic CGI to draw virtual flower bandanas on foreheads, it was devised specifically for sexting. I have to admit that I am a little jealous of the Direct Messenger Fuckboy, because God didn’t see fit to bless me with the outsized narcissistic confidence to think, “I know she didn’t ask, or say anything about it, but you know what I’m gonna do? I’m going to send her an unsolicited picture of my penis. I bet that’s what she’s waiting for.” I actually have a small, microscopic amount of respect for the DMFboy because, like every man since the beginning of time, he just wants sex. Even worse, he wants a verson I call “MalcolmSex”–Intercourse by any means necessary. His real problem is not his F-boy tendencies as much as it is unoriginality.
The Fboy Troll 50 Cent falls in this category. I’ve never understood anyone who wants to have an argument online. I can understand participating in an intelligent debate, but when one side displays the brain power of a comatose Kardashian, I immediately block the arguer. There are some people, however, whose only pastime is the glory they get from online yes-men. This species of Fuckboy airs all of his business online. He starts arguments with ex girlfriends. He “airs people out.” He is the rabble-rouser in the comment section of online articles. In a sense, their brand of Fuckboyology is similar to the DMFboy in that “likes,” upvotes and retweets give them erection. It is their form of self-validation. I’m not a religious person, but every night, just before I fall asleep, I pray to light-skinned Jesus to let me never fall into a trap where I start:
a. wearing skinny jeans
b. a twitter beef
Winning a twitter beef is like winning a tiniest penis contest–even if you come out on top, can you really call yourself a “winner?”
The Attention Fboy Everybody wants attention, but there is a subset of men online who need attention. For them, Facebook thumbs ups are like oxygen, so they do whatever they can. This kind of Fuckboy is easily recognized by one trademark statistic: The Keiser Institute of Fuckonomics estimate that 83% of all Attention Fuckboys have a picture with their shirt off. 79% of them have their shirt off in front of a car. If the car is not theirs, the number rises to 92%. In fact, the government department that handles domestic and foreign fuckboys will tell you that there has never been a documented case of a man without a shirt on, in front of a car, holding money or a gun who wasn’t a fuckboy. This trend started when Thomas Jefferson returned from France with the money for the Louisiana Purchase. When he saw the shore he took off his shirt and posed for a daguerrotype holding a musket and a hand full of French bank notes. But we all know Thomas Jefferson was a founding Fuckboy father who stayed in chicks inboxes.
Ask Sally Hemmings.