Entertainment & Culture
50 Things I’ll Do Before I Vote For Donald Trump

By Michael Harriot

Last night Donald Trump visited Milwaukee, Wisconsin to give a speech about the racial unrest there (and when I say “speech,” I mean he read off the teleprompter like that kid in the back of the class who hates when the teacher calls on him to read aloud, and she interrupts him every other sentence to encourage him to “just sound out the word. Sound it out.”)

In his call for law and order, Trump proposed a few policies that would somehow help the magical negro community that doesn’t feel or see racial prejudice and discrimination but just wants to get home safely in the poor black neighborhood they are bound to by generations of Jim Crow, segregation and redlining. Sorry for that rant. Anyway, during his speech, Trump also made impassioned plea for the Black vote. In the spirit, of “never say never” I thought I’d intellectually consider voting for Trump. Even though there is a .00000000000001% chance that I’d vote for him, I decided to come up with a list of other things I would probably do before I voted for Donald Trump.

  1. Eat Potato salad at a white person’s house
  2. Buy a Young Thug Album
  3. Say “All Lives Matter”
  4. Go to the club, and ask the DJ, “aye, you ain’t got no Taylor Swift?”
  5. Say “Daaamn, Miley Cyrus got a nice ass!”
  6. Wear this mef91auixblvpi2r4reb
  7. Eat macaroni and cheese at a restaurant
  8. Say, “yeah, I feel like dancing, but I’m just not feeling Back Dat Azz Up right now”
  9. Buy something from the “Yeezy” line
  10. Send Creflo Dollar a donation towards his plane
  11. Call my mama a bitch
  12. Leave the volume up when Stephen A. Smith is talking
  13. Stop loving Cardi B.
  14. Wobble Wit It
  15. Tell a white person “nah, this Kool Aid is definitely sweet enough”
  16. Cheer for the New England Patriots
  17. Subscribe to Tidal
  18. Think “I know what will stop 300 years of abuse, brutality and injustice: Body cameras. That’ll fix it.”
  19. Wear skinny jeans
  20. Utter the phrase, “Nah, I don’t have a taste for Krispy Kreme’s right now.”
  21. Not love one of those “Hamiltones” parody songs
  22. Tweet a hashtag #Team(anything)
  23. Say “I’m not doing anything right now, I might as well let these Jehovah’s witnesses in.”
  24. Wear Flip Flops
  25. Decipher what the hell Designer is talking about in “Panda”
  26. Whip
  27. Nae-Nae
  28. Vote for Hillary Clinton
  29. Tell a Black person “nah, you didn’t put too much sugar in your Kool Aid”
  30. Believe the devil made me do something
  31. Believe the Holy Ghost made me do something
  32. Believe peer pressure made me do something
  33. Pay for VIP
  34. Hold in a fart
  35. Think, “Hmmmmm. I Wonder how Raven Symone feels about this issue?”
  36. Not vote
  37. Buy tickets to an R. Kelly Concert
  38. Call anything that doesn’t have sauce on it, “Barbecue”
  39. Keep going when it’s Hammer Time
  40. Say “If Cornell West was as smart as they say he is, why doesn’t he show off his vocabulary by using bigger words, then?”
  41. Slap Brock Lesnar
  42. Not want to slap anyone who says “But what about Black on Black crime?
  43. Loudly proclaim “I love Drake’s music”
  44. not quietly think: “But Drake do be spittin’ tho…”
  45. Refer to myself as “having a little thug in me”
  46. Wear crocs
  47. Not be entertained by white people dancing
  48. Hit the Quan
  49. Put sugar on my grits
  50. Quit

 

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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