If you haven’t heard about it by now, rapper B.o.B. — in a level of HOTEP-ness usually reserved for barbershops and niggas who just got out of jail — has been twitter-beefing with genius astrophysicist, dude-whose-test-you-cheated-off-in-10th-grade-chemistry, and the last remaining person still rocking the Shag haircut, Neil Degrasse Tyson. And guess what they’re beefing about? Trust me, unless you already know, you’d never guess. They’re arguing about…
Wait for it.
Whether the earth is flat.
Now that’s some throwback, 12th-century, Copernicus, white-people-didn’t-know-before-they-went-to-steal-the-knowledge-from-Africa beef right there! Aside from the insanity of having one of the foremost authorities on the structure of the universe argue with a guy who confuses airplanes in the night sky with shooting stars (although I did kinda like that song. I even bought the album. And by “bought the album” I mean “stole it off the internet for free”), I must reveal something:
This is not the first time I’ve heard the flat-earth theory. I have an otherwise intelligent friend who believes in the Flat-Earth consiracy too. He also believes in the Illuminati. And the David Icke reptilian people. And 9/11 was an inside job… by reptilian people and the Illuminati. You know what? Now that I think about it, maybe describing my friend as “intelligent” was going a bit too far (I’m sorry Jesse). Anyway, it is one of those conspiracy theories that someone who doesn’t understand physics and didn’t get past a first-year college “Intro to Science” 101 class could easily believe (I mean, literally dude, they don’t believe in the “hoax” we call “gravity.” They say we don’t fall off the planet because it is constantly moving upwards and the earth is covered by an invisible dome called “the firmament,” because… you know… It’s in the Bible.) Yes, the Flat Earth conspiracy is a thing.
As crazy as this sounds, You probably believe in some equally stupid bullshit based on nothing but some shit you heard at the nail salon. To clear B.o.B’s name and character, I thought I’d document some of the other things we believe that are stupider than thinking that the Earth is flat, like:
1. “They” killed _____ – Fill in the blank with Tupac, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, etc. Black celebrities can’t just die, it has to be a nefarious plot by the Government because… well… shit, I don’t know. It’s always something about they were about to unify Black people, a Black New World Order and Cointelpro (which actually was a thing). Was Tupac’s torso supposed to be impervious to the kinds of bullets that killed the other 293,029 Black men that year? Maybe Michael Jackson’s heart could resist failing under the extreme doses of propophol that kill 2-3% of people even when it’s administered correctly. Did Whitney Houston possess the unique ability to smoke crack underwater?
By the way, who the hell is “They???” They is always killing someone or saying something stupid because “you know what They say.” And for all They’s killing prowess and ability to plan conspiracies, he can’t keep a secret for shit. It always gets out, but only to the one dumb motherfucker who ha never read anything more complex than a Highlights magazine. Why is it that the only people who can sniff out They’s plots are never professors, scientists or figures of authority? They always work part-time doing roofing with their uncles. I know, I know. Those are the minds that haven’t been polluted and brainwashed by the educational system that erases the ability to think critically and see the truth. I think it’s bullshit, but, I know…
That’s what They want me to believe.
2. Black on Black Crime – There’s always a gentrified “blacktivist” generations removed from living within three blocks of another person with melanin in their skin telling “The Black Community” that we need to focus on Black-On-Black crime. Never mind that most crimes are committed by someone the victim knows. 90% of crimes against black people are perpetrated by blacks, while 84% of crimes against whites are committed by whites. But you never hear any commotion about solving the plague of white-on-white crime when any sociologist or criminologist will tell you that crime is a socioeconomic phenomena. Do you know what Black-on-Black crime really should be called?
3. Bill Cosby is being railroaded because he tried to buy NBC. So, let me get this straight — over 50 women who have no connection with each other conspired to destroy Pill Cosby because… what, now? Were the women who made these allegations in the 70’s and 80’s clairvoyant? Were they thinking “I’m gonna lodge my complaint against ol “Creep Cosby” up just in case he tries to purchase a major network. Not now when he’s earning millions, but when he’s 384 years old and almost dead.” What a great plan. How about the women who didn’t know he was trying to buy NBC? How about when he admitted under oath that he gave a woman Quaaludes and had sex with her?
Aside from those pesky facts, there is that pesky problem of the math. While Bill Cosby did inquire with a group of investors about offering $500 million for NBC, executives reportedly laughed at the “silly negro” offer, when the company was valued at $4 billion. People will disregard the logics of economics and mathematics, though. Which is why I’m taking a postdated check to Bill gates tomorrow. That way, if I ever do anything illegal, I want y’all to start the rumor that “they’re just trying to destroy Mike because he tried to buy Microsoft.”
4. They Count Votes – Hahahahahahahahahaha! Silly negroes! You really believe this? Even after they admitted last year that they didn’t really count votes in the Iowa caucuses in 2012? Even after Holder V Shelby County dismantled the Voting Rights Act? Even After Bush v Gore (which most people believe gave the election to Bush, but what it actually said was “stop counting the votes.” You knew that, right)?
Let me ask you this: Suppose you and a group of strangers decided that you were going to get together to select one person to determine what you would do with your money and your life for the next few years. You each wrote down a name and put it in a hat. This all sounds reasonable and fair. Then the one person you trust the least says, “Ok, now I’ll take these votes into a secret room where you can’t see me and I’ll tally everything up.” He emerges from the room and announces that he has won.
Only an idiot would fall for that.
By the way, why don’t you get a receipt for your vote? Why do you have to register in advance to vote? Why can we pay our taxes online and bank online, but we can’t vote online ? I know what you’re thinking – but explain why most voting machines connected to the internet. As a matter of fact, explain why we need voting machines.
5. Jay-Z, Beyonce, Kanye etc. are in the Illuminati – This is the keystone of street corner logic conspiracy. Apparently there is a cabal of super-rich and powerful people who have run the world for years in darkness and secrecy… and they need Jigga and Yeezy. Apparently their centuries old secrecy can never be revealed, but some niggas on Youtube deciphered the hand signs and symbols with Wikipedia, the Bible and Robert’s Rules of Order to expose this centuries-old order. Because, if there’s one thing the people who started the Crusades, control the global economy, and run all geopolitics need on their side — it’s a thick black chick who can sing and dance in a onesie with no pants. That’s how it works. Or, maybe I’m in the illuminati too. But people in the Illuminati are forbidden to ever mention the Illuminati. But that might be a false rule just to make you think I’m not in the Illuminati.
Alright, I’m not in the Illuminati. I was last year, but I forgot to pay my dues, and drink the blood of a virgin lion, so they kicked me out.
Or maybe that’s what They want you to think.
#StayWoke Black people.