Since he was elected as leader of the free world, Barack Obama has dealt with unfair racial criticism, and has handled it with great composure. Lately however, it seems as if The President has entered into a state of confident, in-your-face bliss where he doesn’t seem to care what people think of his actions. Yes, after inviting Kendrick Lamar to the White House, scaring the pro-gun lobby with executive action and doing the Electric Slide in Kenya — it is obvious that President Obama is fresh out of fucks to give. Tonight he addresses the nation for the last time and we have come up with a few ways he can prove to the world that he could care less about your opinion at tonight’s State of The Union:
1. The State of the Union produced by DJ Khaled – Every time the subject of American exceptionalism comes up, “We da BEST!” should be screamed from a dj booth on the floor of the Joint House chambers. If America wants to move forward into the 21st century, where else would we get the “keys to more success” than America’s favorite chubby snapchat superstar? The country is becoming so anti-government, that congress needs a hype-man. Flava Flav would be too out there (they’d probably mistake his necklace/clock for a bomb), and Fat Man Scoop is just too damn loud. Plus, Khaled’s Jewish heritage would highlight Obama’s pro-Israel stance and he could add understated bulletpoints every time the President moved from one proposal to another by subtly saying:
2. Michelle Obama Goes Natural – Can you imagine how ape-shit America would go if Mrs. Obama walked out after having undergone the “big chop?” You thought it was bad when they referred to Obama as a Kenyan Muslim Jihadist born overseas? Man, if Michelle took it down to a Low Caesar or a schoolboy fade, she might as well go on and join ISIS.
3. Change the “walk-in” Music – Instead of Hail to the Chief, Obama should walk out to something really Black, like “Big Poppa” by Notorious B.I.G. or “Superbad” By James Brown. Or — if he just wants to make white people’s heads explode — he should come out to the Blackest song of all time — “Flashlight.” Everyone would be upset but the song is so funky that they would still have to tap their toes and clap their hands. And you know some white people have to dance when they hear a good song. They can’t control themselves. Nothing would be funnier than watching the Esteemed Senator from Utah bobbing off-beat to George Clinton’s nonsensical lullaby. The militiamen, separatists and truthers would swear there was a cryptic message to black people hidden in the lyrics, because they don’t know who Parliament Funkadelic is, and they aren’t aware that the lyrics don’t mean anything — them niggas were just high.
4. Give Shout Outs – It’s his last one, he should be able to give props to his mom, his cousins in the motherland and all his real negus that laced him with their votes.
5. Sprinkle Rap Lyrics That Old White People Won’t Recognize Into His Speech – He should open by asking forgiveness because it’s been a long time, and he shouldn’t have left you without a great speech to step to. Think of how many State of The Unions we slept through… When discussing the push towards cars that don’t run on fossil fuels, he could tell them about his ambitions as a rider. Reveal how military analysts say that the Islamic State poses no existential threat to Americans. In fact, we have 99 problems but ISIS ain’t one.
6. I Really Believe He’s Gonna Do This One – Please, for the love of God and Country, President Obama, just call them “haters” one time just for us. Pretty please? We all know what they are, and you do too. Hell, they even know that their repudiation of your policies and every little step you take is nothing more than hate. Say it! You deserve it, and everyone already knows it. We’re not asking you to Nae Nae or Harlem Shake, but you can brush them off your shoulders in prime time. Do it for us.
7. Be Petty – Invite all the people they poked at you about to the State of The Union, and have them sit in on the front row. Put Reverend Wright next to Bill Ayers, next to Beyonce and Jay-Z next to Trayvon and Mike Brown’s mothers. Then throw in some random niggas you know they won’t like just to be Petty Pendergrass. Like Fetty Wop. Or the Black dude from Star Wars in his stormtrooper outfit. Or Cardi B from Love and Hip Hop. I love that crazy chick. I swear to God I do.
8. Throw Up The Deuces – If all else fails, there is one thing the President can do to dog whistle his supporters and prove that he doesn’t give a fuck. It is the simplest and most beautiful way to cement his legacy as the coolest president ever. After going through his plan for his last lame-duck year, outlining proposals and talking to the American people, he should simply end his speech with:
“Peace. I’m out.”