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The Top Ten Nice-Nasty Sex Songs of All Time

One of the most troubling things about current music is the lack of creativity in lyrical content in the songs of today. Songwriting used to be an art form where Berry Gordy put musicians and lyricists in a room with an eight-ball of cocaine and a six-pack of Champale  they came out with something spectacular like “Tears of A Clown” or “Papa Was A Rolling Stone.” Nowadays, the noted ignoramus who thought no better than to name himself “Young Thug” (I still believe that one day he’s going to reveal that he was really a white supremacist in blackface trolling us the whole time) assembles such complex lyrics like:

She got a big booty
So I call her “Big Booty!”

- Young Thug

Such genius. Now I can’t verify this, but I’ve heard through the grapevine from people who aren’t afraid to pollute their ears and brains with local radio, that there is a song out there now with the lyric “eat the booty like groceries.” Every morning, I wake up, the first thing I do is get down on my knees and ask God, Jesus, Zeus, Goku and Hova (God emcee) to please never let me hear that song.

While there are more than enough love songs to go around, I thought I’d catalogue for you, the top 10 songs that you can bump uglies to. These songs are not meant to be background music for lovemaking. These are well-crafted songs that are nasty, sexual and mood-inducing, without being explicit. These are songs you can break a sweat and a headboard to, but play around your grandmama, and she won’t be offended. They talk about sex… without saying “I’m talking about sex.”

10. Anything by Keith Sweat.

I should start off this list by informing you that there will be no R. Kelly on this list. I don’t want to run the risk of someone reading this post, liking it, immediately buying an R. Kelly song on iTunes and making me responsible for money going into a pedophile’s pocket.

Now as far as Keith Sweat is concerned, I’m pretty sure he;s a pervert too, but I have no proof. Just look at the names of his songs:

  • How Deep Is Your Love
  • Get Up On It
  • Don’t Stop Your Love
  • Make It Last Forever

Plus, I’m pretty sure Keith is detailing a statutory rape in “A Right and A Wrong Way.” I used to love this song, but now that I listen to it, it kinda gives me the heebie-jeebies.

9. Come Go With Me – Teddy Pendergrass

Teddy Pendergrass is the king of sweet-sounding-dudes-who-you-know-will-fuck-the-dog-shit-outta-you. Teddy promises that if you come over to his house, it’ll be much quieter, you can lay by the fire and there’ll be no pressure. The lyrics are seductive and charismatic, but Teddy just looks like he’s gonna pull his dick out in the car. And you know his house is in a bad area of town and smells like Kool 100’s mixed with incense. Perhaps my favorite part of this song is maybe the most ghetto come-on line of all time: “Let’s take a sip of some cold, cold wine…” Teddy charms you enough to make you consider going over to his house, and never mentions booty or groceries. Salute.

8.  Don’t Say Goodnight – The Isley Brothers

 

Before he rebranded himself “Mr. Big” Ron Isley had been a vagina whisperer for over 4 decades. The Isley Brothers are basically saying “I know you ain’t going to sleep before we make ‘the beast with two backs’… over and over again” and it sounds so demure. The most explicit thing in this song is his confession that he wants to “see what you’re like in bed.” That’s not too nasty at all. In fact, it’s honest.

7. How Does it Feel – D’Angelo

Even if D’Angelo didn’t make every woman in America lick her TV screen when he released this video, this song is the definition of what this list is about. The dark-skindededededed Prince channels the Purple One and dropped nasty funk all over this one. And he did it while nekkid. Still nothing about groceries, though.

 

6. There’ll Never Be – Switch

I have a theory: A man can sing anything in falsetto and women would love it. This song is basically about lying to get laid.

Please come over here, and let me whisper something in your ear
I’ll say say something good to you, that you always want to hear.
So real I know you won’t regret it
So good, I know you won’t forget it

the beautiful thing about this song is that it beautifully says the trite line that every guy tells women: “I’mma fuck you like you ain’t never been fucked before.”

But women love  this song. Because… Falsetto.

5. International Lover – Prince (No Youtube link)

More falsetto. More euphemism. No one does sex like Prince. For a long time, my only goal in life was to be able to tell a woman “my plane’s parked right outside.” That’s the greatest G move ever. Hands down. Stop trying to think of a better one. It doesn’t exist. That quote evaporates panties and serves as an immediate lubricant.  Respect the royalty.

4. Adorn – Miguel


This song is so dope. Y’all know me — I am unashamed to say most things because I can usually find an artful way to express something crass, but this song is about… ummm… You know what this song is about, right?

Think about it.

OK. Moving on.

3. Sweet Sticky Thing – Ohio Players

This one barely has lyrics. It is just what it should be – a jubilant celebration of the most glorious thing God ever created. This song is so beautiful, I was more overwhelmed the first I heard it than I was the first time I had sex. Maybe because this song was more than 40 seconds long and I didn’t first hear it on a day bed when my sisters and mama weren’t home with a girl who broke up with me for a second string football player.

But — whatever.

2. Sexual Healing  – Marvin Gaye


This song is ostensibly about the universal truth: Sex is the key to happiness, but aside from that — Do yourself a favor: Listen to the version right here.

Marvin Gaye sang better than Michaelangelo painted. Better than Michael Jackson moonwalked. Better than Michael rowed his boat ashore. Hallelujah.

1. If Only For One Night  – Luther Vandross

There can only be one number one, and it had to be the negro Frank Sinatra. This is young, pre-poke-chop eating, Jheri-curl-and-sequins, “Loo-fuh” Vandross trying to convince a woman (or man) to have a secret tryst. The poetry and allusion almost make you forget that the song is about begging for a one-night-stand, although if I could sing like Luther, I wouldn’t even bother crafting swooning lyrics. I’d just use that thick, milky baritone voice to bellow out:

“Let Meeeeee hold you tiiiiiight…
And eat the booty like groceries toniiiiiight,”

Peace.
I’m out.

Disagree with the list? Did I leave a song out? Let us know in the comment section below.

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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  • ETB757

    The homie Keith got a shout-out so I’m good. Needs more H-Town though. And honorable mention to the original freak Adina Howard. She’s not nice-nasty, she’s just nasty-nasty. I’m good with that.

  • Ayanna

    Honorable Mention:
    Let Me Know – Aaliyah
    Meeting in my Bedroom – Silk
    As We Lay – Shirley Murdock
    My Place – Tweet
    Insatiable – Prince

    • Tweet’s “Oops” almost made it, and the comittee was on the fence between “Insatiable” and “International Lover”

  • Burgess

    I got one for you…
    Janet Jackson – “Twenty Foreplay”

  • Britt

    All This love El Debarge
    Last Night by Az Yet
    Tell Me Where to Put It by Solo

    • @disqus_X5mcKJGbty:disqus, my apologies. This list actually came together because I heard the song “Where do you want me to put it?”

      But by the time I sat down to write the piece, I had forgotten the song.

  • Tara Howard

    Love all of these. With Prince every song is a pant dropper. But one that I think should be added to the list is “Secret Garden”.Al B Sure,James Ingram and El Debarge seduce you with the melody. They reading minds and learning deep secrets . And then Barry White comes in for the kill “that’s what a man is supposed to do”….”show ya right”!

    • How could I forget “Secret Garden?” That was one of my favorite songs for 3 or four years!

  • Rahkia

    Ring My Bell by Anita Ward. So many euphemisms in what, three and a half minutes?

  • Sidd

    Distant Lover – Marvin Gaye
    Between the Sheets – Isley Brothers
    Rocket – Beyoncé
    Bodies – Cee Lo Green

  • Hey Mike how could you forget Sisqo’s Thong song? And Intro Come Inside I will get back to you with some more i’m at work.

  • Hey Mike How could you forget Sisqo’s Thong song? and Intro’s come in side. I will get back to you with a few more at work now.

  • Fox

    Yassss to #1!!! Janet Jackson “Would you mind” ?

  • shay stevens

    Every song is perfect for/to me!!! Mmmmmm Michael Mmmmm
    #LemmeGetThatNumber