One of the most troubling things about current music is the lack of creativity in lyrical content in the songs of today. Songwriting used to be an art form where Berry Gordy put musicians and lyricists in a room with an eight-ball of cocaine and a six-pack of Champale they came out with something spectacular like “Tears of A Clown” or “Papa Was A Rolling Stone.” Nowadays, the noted ignoramus who thought no better than to name himself “Young Thug” (I still believe that one day he’s going to reveal that he was really a white supremacist in blackface trolling us the whole time) assembles such complex lyrics like:
She got a big booty
So I call her “Big Booty!”
- Young Thug
Such genius. Now I can’t verify this, but I’ve heard through the grapevine from people who aren’t afraid to pollute their ears and brains with local radio, that there is a song out there now with the lyric “eat the booty like groceries.” Every morning, I wake up, the first thing I do is get down on my knees and ask God, Jesus, Zeus, Goku and Hova (God emcee) to please never let me hear that song.
While there are more than enough love songs to go around, I thought I’d catalogue for you, the top 10 songs that you can bump uglies to. These songs are not meant to be background music for lovemaking. These are well-crafted songs that are nasty, sexual and mood-inducing, without being explicit. These are songs you can break a sweat and a headboard to, but play around your grandmama, and she won’t be offended. They talk about sex… without saying “I’m talking about sex.”
10. Anything by Keith Sweat.
I should start off this list by informing you that there will be no R. Kelly on this list. I don’t want to run the risk of someone reading this post, liking it, immediately buying an R. Kelly song on iTunes and making me responsible for money going into a pedophile’s pocket.
Now as far as Keith Sweat is concerned, I’m pretty sure he;s a pervert too, but I have no proof. Just look at the names of his songs:
- How Deep Is Your Love
- Get Up On It
- Don’t Stop Your Love
- Make It Last Forever
Plus, I’m pretty sure Keith is detailing a statutory rape in “A Right and A Wrong Way.” I used to love this song, but now that I listen to it, it kinda gives me the heebie-jeebies.
9. Come Go With Me – Teddy Pendergrass
Teddy Pendergrass is the king of sweet-sounding-dudes-who-you-know-will-fuck-the-dog-shit-outta-you. Teddy promises that if you come over to his house, it’ll be much quieter, you can lay by the fire and there’ll be no pressure. The lyrics are seductive and charismatic, but Teddy just looks like he’s gonna pull his dick out in the car. And you know his house is in a bad area of town and smells like Kool 100’s mixed with incense. Perhaps my favorite part of this song is maybe the most ghetto come-on line of all time: “Let’s take a sip of some cold, cold wine…” Teddy charms you enough to make you consider going over to his house, and never mentions booty or groceries. Salute.
8. Don’t Say Goodnight – The Isley Brothers
Before he rebranded himself “Mr. Big” Ron Isley had been a vagina whisperer for over 4 decades. The Isley Brothers are basically saying “I know you ain’t going to sleep before we make ‘the beast with two backs’… over and over again” and it sounds so demure. The most explicit thing in this song is his confession that he wants to “see what you’re like in bed.” That’s not too nasty at all. In fact, it’s honest.
7. How Does it Feel – D’Angelo
Even if D’Angelo didn’t make every woman in America lick her TV screen when he released this video, this song is the definition of what this list is about. The dark-skindededededed Prince channels the Purple One and dropped nasty funk all over this one. And he did it while nekkid. Still nothing about groceries, though.
6. There’ll Never Be – Switch
I have a theory: A man can sing anything in falsetto and women would love it. This song is basically about lying to get laid.
Please come over here, and let me whisper something in your ear
I’ll say say something good to you, that you always want to hear.
So real I know you won’t regret it
So good, I know you won’t forget it
the beautiful thing about this song is that it beautifully says the trite line that every guy tells women: “I’mma fuck you like you ain’t never been fucked before.”
But women love this song. Because… Falsetto.
5. International Lover – Prince (No Youtube link)
More falsetto. More euphemism. No one does sex like Prince. For a long time, my only goal in life was to be able to tell a woman “my plane’s parked right outside.” That’s the greatest G move ever. Hands down. Stop trying to think of a better one. It doesn’t exist. That quote evaporates panties and serves as an immediate lubricant. Respect the royalty.
4. Adorn – Miguel
This song is so dope. Y’all know me — I am unashamed to say most things because I can usually find an artful way to express something crass, but this song is about… ummm… You know what this song is about, right?
Think about it.
OK. Moving on.
3. Sweet Sticky Thing – Ohio Players
This one barely has lyrics. It is just what it should be – a jubilant celebration of the most glorious thing God ever created. This song is so beautiful, I was more overwhelmed the first I heard it than I was the first time I had sex. Maybe because this song was more than 40 seconds long and I didn’t first hear it on a day bed when my sisters and mama weren’t home with a girl who broke up with me for a second string football player.
But — whatever.
2. Sexual Healing – Marvin Gaye
This song is ostensibly about the universal truth: Sex is the key to happiness, but aside from that — Do yourself a favor: Listen to the version right here.
Marvin Gaye sang better than Michaelangelo painted. Better than Michael Jackson moonwalked. Better than Michael rowed his boat ashore. Hallelujah.
1. If Only For One Night – Luther Vandross
There can only be one number one, and it had to be the negro Frank Sinatra. This is young, pre-poke-chop eating, Jheri-curl-and-sequins, “Loo-fuh” Vandross trying to convince a woman (or man) to have a secret tryst. The poetry and allusion almost make you forget that the song is about begging for a one-night-stand, although if I could sing like Luther, I wouldn’t even bother crafting swooning lyrics. I’d just use that thick, milky baritone voice to bellow out:
“Let Meeeeee hold you tiiiiiight…
And eat the booty like groceries toniiiiiight,”
Disagree with the list? Did I leave a song out? Let us know in the comment section below.