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The Actual Transcript of The Phone Call Between Jeff Sessions And Vladimir Putin

By Michael Harriot

Because the staff of NegusWhoRead is old enough to remember long distance charges and we werew raised by mamas who warned us against “playing on her phone,” we can promise you that there are no phone calls to Russia in our past.

But, as always, you know we have the plug. No matter where you are in the world, if there are Black people, NegusWhoRead can get some info. If we had a contact in Russia we’d already have a DVD with Trump’s golden shower activities in high definition. We wouldn’t watch it because no one would be able to eat for a week and we might never stop throwing up, but we’d have it.

That’s how we managed to get one of Jeff Session’s phone calls to Russia. It happened a few months ago, and–although we aren’t at liberty to reveal how we obtained it, we have verified its inauthenticity with some forensic experts waiting for their haircut. and they gave it the official black verification stamp of approval:

“Seems legit.”

Jeff Sessions: Hello?

Vladimir Putin: Hello, I would like to speak to the capitalist swine they call Jeff Sessions.

Sessions: (Laughing) this must be Vladimir! How you doing you ol’ rascal, you?

Putin: I am great. I just wanted to call you to congratulate you on your coup of the United States government.

Sessions: Now over here in America, we call it an election, Vlad. We have one every four years and Trump won it fair and square.

Long silence.

Sessions: (bursts out laughing) Awww, man, you know I’m just kidding! Can you believe these idiots!

Putin: (Laughing) Yes I can. We have long known you Americans weren’t the smartest people on earth, but this is a new low. We a glad we could help you achieve your overthrow. Of course, there will be favors required.

Sessions: Of course.

Putin: So tell me, what are the plans for the Trump regime?

Sessions: Administration. We call it an administration. Well, we’re just in the planning stages right now. I don’t even know what my official role will be. He’s thinking about making me the Attorney General, but I warned him that will never happen. I mean, we Americans are stupid, but we aren’t idiots. They’d never put someone with my past in charge of the Justice department.

Putin: That is why you must swallow your white pride and hide your racism. I keep telling you this, ever since you taught me that when white people in your country said “the n-word,” they didn’t mean “nyet.”

Sessions: I know. I know. But sometimes I just can’t contain myself and my White pride slips out. I know they will probably bring up that time I told the black prosecutor to watch how he talked to white people, or the time I said the KKK was ok with me or the time I called that other lawyer a “boy,” or that time I…

Putin: Is OK. Is OK. I have been telling you for years that you should do what I do when anyone I don’t like disagrees with me, but you just won’t listen!

Sessions: I just can’t go around murdering people because I don’t like them!

Vladimir: Is no good? What’s wrong with that?

Sessions: Because it is cruel and inhuman. We have laws against that! Plus, If I had to kill every person I didn’t like, I don’t know if I could afford the bullets, and there wouldn’t be any Black people left–which is fine by me, but these rascals over here might object. We can’t shoot people in the head all willy-nill over here.

Putin: First of all, I do not shoot everyone in the head. Sometimes I poison them, Sometimes I torture them first by making them watch the video of a naked Donald Trump being showered with syphilis-laced pee from Russian hookers.

Sessions: Vladimir! I hope you’re not showing anyone that tape! That was our agreement! I’m not arguing with you. I am a great admirer of your work in the field of oppressing people, I just don’t want that video getting out. I’ve never told this to you before, but you’re kind of a role model to me and Trump. We just want to be dictator overlords like you.

Putin: With powerful chest, no?

Sessions: Yes you have a great chest, too. But mostly I admire the way you kill journalists, squash out dissent, and control your fake elections.

Putin: How do you say–get out of here!

Sessions: I’m serious. Years ago, when they told me I had to start prosecuting people who lynched Blacks, I almost moved to Russia. I’ve been following you ever since.

Putin: Thank you! That is so nice to hear. Don’t woory about the tape. All of the people who have seen it have bullet in their head. You can start back lynching Black people again if you are attorney general, no? Your chest may not be as powerful as mine, but you can just change the law, no?

Session: It doesn’t quite work that way over here. But what I can do is stop investigating civil rights issues and issues of police abuse as attorney general, because–and I know you won’t believe this–I’ll be in charge of the entire Civil Rights Division!!! (Laughs loudly)

Putin: What is this “civil rights” you speak of?

Sessions: Never mind. It doesn’t even matter anymore.

Putin: OK, anyway I just wanted to call because I spoke with Michael Flynn on Yesterday, Jared Kushner on Saturday and Trump on Friday. I just wanted you to know that I am sending over a list of cabinet appointees we’d like you to nominate, along with a few pictures of my powerful chest.

Sessions: I saw them. They are all billionaires with ties to Russia. Maybe we shouldn’t be so obvious. Perhaps we can throw in a couple of idiots just to make it look like we aren’t totally in bed with you. I know some idiot from Michigan named Betsy Devos. Maybe we could give her a job in Education. How about Steve Perry over the Environment Protection Agency and Ben Carson over the Housing Department?

Putin: It confuses how you make no mention of my powerful chest, but I have heard of this Betsy DeVos. She is too dumb, no? And Rick Perry, isn’t he the guy who wanted to abolish the EPA, but couldn’t remember its name? I have seen Ben Carson. He is surgery doctor, no? He doesn’t have any experience in housing. I know the American people are dumb, but there’s no way they’d let you get away with this. None of these people know anything about these departments.

Sessions: Don’t be so sure. I don’t know anything about justice, and I’m a lawyer! The President of our country is a reality star whose only talent is his incredibly strong pussy-grabbing grip! Never say never

Putin: You are right. Anyway, there are some Russian journalists who need to be shot in the head today. I must go.

Sessions: I understand you are a busy man. Thanks for rigging the election for us.

Putin: No problem. Me and my powerful chest do what we can do to bring about the destruction of America. Say goodbye to my chest.

Sessions: What?

Putin: Never mind.

 

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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