Yesterday, as promised, President Donald Trump met with over 100 presidents and leaders of Historically Black Colleges and Universities…
For seven minutes.
Luckily for you who wondered how he could address the myriad of issues faced by these institutions in less time that it takes for a YouTube makeup tutorial, NegusWhoRead always has a plug. While publications like Politico and the New York Times focus on FBI investigations into ties with Russia, there was no way 100 Black people can visit the White House and NegusWhoRead not get the leak of what happened. What follows is the actual conversation from inside the Oval Office.
President Trump: I’m so happy to have you all here from all black colleges from all around the country. Now you know I’m a big fan of discrimination, so having colleges that whites can’t enter is cool with me because –
John Wilson (Morehouse College): Sir, that’s not how it works. Anyone can apply to attend one of our institutions.
Trump: Awww, that’s too bad. I thought you were excluding white people. I was going to use it as a great excuse to… You know what? Never mind.
Wayne Frederick (Howard University): Mr. President, I know we don’t have much time, we’d like to discuss some very specific issues with you. First we’d like to talk about funding. Betsy Devos wants to subsidize private K-12 education. Does that extend to private HBCUs like us, because…
Trump: Hold your horses, Mr. Frederick. Are you any kin to Frederick Douglas? I’ve heard some great things about him! Do any of you have a number for him? I’ve been trying to reach him all Black History Month.
Brian L. Johnson (Tuskegee University): Sir, Frederick Douglas is deceased. Can we get back to discussing funding? If your party is so worried about black people being on welfare, why don’t you take some of that money and put it into educational institutions to show –
Trump (interrupting): Hey! You know what show I loved? A Different World. Is anyone here from Hillman?
David Swinton (Benedict College): Sir, Hillman is a fictional college. Can we get back to discussing legislation focused on equalizing educational opportunity? We think HBCUs can play a great part in providing opportunities for minorities in Science Technology, Engineering and Math.
Trump: How about those Que Dogs? Can any of you guys step? Why don’t we have a step show right here, right now? Oh, right, the secret service wouldn’t let you bring your canes in. Damn. That would have been fun.
Larry Robinson (Florida A & M University): We are not here to entertain you! There are legitimate issues facing our institutions we’d like to discuss. If you didn’t bring us here to discuss them, then why are we here?
Trump: Honestly, Larry, the only reason you’re here is because I thought you’d bring your marching band. Why didn’t you? Man, if I had a marching band like that, they’d play my entrance into every room I ever stepped in.
Rod Paige (Jackson State University): Sigh. Mr. President, why would you waste our time like that?
Trump: It was Kellyanne’s idea. That’s her, laying on the couch playing Words With Friends on her phone. She’s pretty good at it, although I think the program cheats sometimes. Did you know “bigly” was not a word? Or at least that’s what Words With Friends says. That’s gotta be some kind of glitch, right?
Mary Smith Campbell (Spelman College): This highlights the value of education in the black community.
Trump: I know. Ben, Omarosa and Reverend Scott tell me that all the time.
Andrew Hugine, Jr. (Alabama A&M University) Really?
Trump (laughing): Hell no! Of course not!. They’re not allowed to speak in my presence when cameras aren’t rolling! Darrel Scott has a fake degree!
William Harvey (Hampton University): I’m ready to go.
Trump: Well that’s all the time we have! Before we leave, please gather around me like the white savior that I am, and smile like you are trying to get the highest price on the slave auction block. And don’t bullshit me either, I went to the National Museum for African American History, so I know all about black history now.
Rick Gallot (Grambling) Wait, what?
Trump: Kellyanne, hop on that couch and Instagram this pic of me and the HBCU Presidents. Make sure it says something about how much I love the coloreds
Kellyanne: I think they want to be referred to as “negroes,” now, sir.
Makola M. Abdullah (Virginia State): Just “black.” You can just say “Black.”
Kellyanne: Well that is an alternative name.
Trump: Hurry up Kellyanne, I’m beginning to feel a little sad. I might need to sign an executive order to cheer myself up.
Kellyanne: What’s wrong sir?
Trump: I’m still reeling from the death of Frederick Douglas and Dewayne Wayne. They will be missed.
Kellyanne: May they rest in peace. Everyone, say “cheese!”