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All The Rules to Life… So Far

About 5 years ago I realized that life is a game, and one of the keys to survival and success is knowing the rules. I figured there couldn’t be more than 10,000 of these rules, so whenever I learn a new life lesson, or spot one of the rules to the Game of Life, I write it down and share it on social media.

In no particular order, I present a few of the 10,000 rules to life I have learned… so far.

*Please be aware that these rules apply specifically to my life. If you apply them to your life and find them insufficient or harmful, I bear no responsibility.

1,928. Anyone who says they’re “gettin money…”
aint got no money.

593. Being a “Christian” is like being really tall…
You don’t have to keep telling people. If they’re around you, they’ll know

61. Behind every intelligent, successful, hardworking woman…
Is a dude trying to see what her butt looks like.

1,847. If you have EVER danced while singing that song “deez niggas can’t hold me back…”
They can.

803. If you call your pole dancing class “exercise…”
When your boyfriend goes to the strip club, he gets to say he “was at the gym”

12. It is supposed to hurt

1,023. Never trust anyone who tells you to “act your age.”
It’s a trap.

485. if people talking about you make you feel sad, remember this:
You could end two wars, give every American health care, hunt down and kill the most wanted criminal in the world and save the economy of the entire western world in what is still technically your first term…

And someone would still talk shit about you.

364. If there is such a thing as “Black-on-black Crime”
we must refer to mass shootings as “White-on-white-on-black-on-white…” crime.

19. If your joy comes from within, but you keep crying about the “devil trying to steal your joy…”

Either he was always inside you
or you left the door unlocked

465. Life is education:
The more you read, the better you’ll do
You will always be graded
If you listen to your teachers, you’ll probably do well

The difference is: If you fail, you don’t get to take the class over

254. No one cares about your dreams. They’re just meaningless colors in your head until you wake up and make them come true.

476. Whenever you’re in a hurry at the grocery store…
The lady in front of you has a WIC voucher, 13 coupons & a roll of pennies

675.  stop saying he’s “afraid of commitment…” If I’m at the store and I don’t buy milk, its not because I’m  “afraid” of milk. Either:

I can’t afford milk
I don’t like milk
Or
I know where I can get better milk

162. Even if you financed some nice rims
Even if your ONE watch and your chain is flooded with cubic zirconia…

I’mma need you to show me a couple of employees if you’re gonna call yourself a “Boss”

464. When anyone begins a sentence with “I won’t lie to you…”
They’re lying to you.

16. Whenever anyone tries to give you any religious advice, interrupt them, look at your watch for a second, then look them in the eye and say this:”Real quick, in 60 seconds tell me all ten of the commandments…

798. Thinking you’re “woke” because of your “natural” hair is like thinking you’re a doctor because you wear a stethoscope.

1,029. Life is an exercise. The harder it gets, the stronger you get.

727.Take the amount of drama on anyone’s Facebook page…
Multiply it by 10
That’s how much drama they have in their real life.

254: If she says “I’m a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets…”

She’s not a lady in the streets

3: If it doesn’t make you money…

If it doesn’t make you happy…
It doesn’t make sense to do it.

754. People would rather listen to every detail of your last bowel movement than hear about “your natural hair journey”

7. All pain is self-inflicted

393. You will NEVER hear “He’s so intelligent, seems like he has a purpose to his life, and girrrrrl, he drives a tasteful but moderately priced vehicle!”

957: you can’t call people crazy, unintelligent and uninformed when they say they read on the internet that Obama was born in Kenya & is a muslim…Then expect us not to laugh at you when you talk about the Illuminati.

38. Believe none of what you hear, half of what you see, and .000038% of what you read on Facebook…

101. Regardless of WHICH STATE you live in, whenever 3 or more black men are hanging out on a Saturday, BY LAW one of them must wear a pair of those Adidas slip ons.

 923. At least one white person will be there.

754. if they asked you to bring plates, cups and napkins to the cookout…
You can’t cook.

6. You can’t make yourself talented. Talent is genetics combined with a gift from God…
But you can make yourself tough. Toughness is the willingness to work hard and the stubbornness to never quit.

Tough beats talented every time.

82: Being against what someone else does because it’s against your religion is like being against other people eating donuts because you think it might make you fat.

524: If you paid to get into VIP…
You’re probably not that important

57. If you use the word “dat” in a text, email or tweet, the person reading it subconsciously subtracts 17 points from your IQ

392: It’s hard to look down on anyone if you’re busy climbing

6. If you’re searching for someone who can truly make you happy…
Find a mirror.

9,202. If NOBODY likes you, you’re probably an asshole.
If EVERYBODY likes you, you’re probably a lying asshole.

183. ANYONE who tries to tell you what a “real man” will do…
Probably doesn’t have one.

485. when someone does something fucked up and excuses it with “God knows my heart…”
He might, but they obviously  don’t know his.

92.  If you describe your event as a “party with a purpose,” or “Grown & Sexy…”
I’m probably not gonna be able to make it

385. The saddest part of life is knowing I will never love anyone so purely and deeply that I want us to wear matching outfits to the mall.

82: The spot with the worst dressed people, the most ghetto hairdos and the greatest number of shootings in the parking lot..

That’s where the best chicken wings are

38. You are who your friends are.

465.  When picking up an order of Five Guys, you MUST put the bag in the back seat…

Or you won’t aver any fries when you get home.

968: Saying “I like a man with a little bit of thug in him” is like saying “I like my food with a little bit of poison in it”

575. Shoot for the moon…

Even if you miss, you’ll be in an airless, gravity-less eternal orbit making concentric circles until you bump into an asteroid or something.

(Science is less inspiring than inaccurate quotes)

3,586. If a woman allows a man to buy her more than 3 drinks, she doesn’t have to sleep with, or go out with him…
But she’s his common law wife for as long as he’s at the club.

5,864: It tastes better if they call it “walla-melon”

174. Airing your personal matters on the internet and then wondering why people are in your business is like sprinkling crumbs on the floor…

And then wondering why you have roaches

1,537: If you’ve ever had to say “I’m not a racist, but…“
You’re probably a racist.

254. Smart people say “I was wrong” WAAAAY more often than dumb people.

507. If Jesus is going to answer your prayer, he’s probably not waiting around to see if you’re going to “forward it to 10 people” first…

6,129. If he still lives with his mom, you shouldn’t expect a gift. Any man who doesn’t have to remember when his rent/mortgage is due, isn’t going to remember your birthday!

1,092.Opportunity knocks.
Trouble sits on your couch and waits for you to get home.

4,019. If you order a salad with croutons, bacon bits, turkey, and cheese on it..
You’re eating a sandwich.

29. Don’t get to the top, and then act like you didn’t need a ladder…

964. The loudest person in the room is almost always the dumbest

658. If you have never picked her up at her house,
Opened the car door for her
Taken her out in public
And walked her to her door…

Stop calling it “dating.”

928. Money can’t buy happiness.
But it can buy a boat, and when was the last time you saw someone frowning on a boat?

2,644. If you are dating a woman who thinks Red Lobster or Olive Garden is a “nice restaurant” – ask her to marry you!
Because when you buy the engagement ring, it doesn’t have to be real diamonds.

502. If your boyfriends wears skinny jeans…
That’s your girlfriend.

185. you can’t tweet your disgust at the Mike Brown or Eric Garner ruling from a phone you bought at a Black Friday sale

545. You can’t be mad at politicians who only seek to enact policies that subjugate women, hurt minorities and enrich the top 1%…
When your favorite rapper is yelling at you through trendy earphones made by a billionaire about bitches, bussin’ guns, Bentleys and bling.

2,635: Any man who wears Crocs has subconsciously given up on life.

87. anyone who retorts with “ALL lives matter” secretly wishes they could say:
“…except black ones.”

8. Talk less.

Do More.

447. If sitting in a booth for hours under a cancerous light to get a fake tan to match your butt implants and lip injections is symptomatic of a culture that “wants to be black…”Then:Sitting in a booth for hours rubbing cancerous chemicals into your scalp to get your hair to match your silky Brazilian Remy #5, blond highlights and hazel contacts is symptomatic of a culture that wants to  ________

5,865. When someone says “can I tell you a quick, interesting story?”
It’s never quick…
Or interesting.

8,273. If you commit yourself to excellence and you are not rewarded for your efforts or applauded for your achievements, always remember:
Kendrick Lamar lost to Macklemore for best hip hop artist.

54. Krispy Kreme giving out ONE free doughnut is the exact same strategy that guy used when he asked you to just let him “put the tip in…”

9,293. I’ve never heard anyone with real money, power, talent or happiness talk about “haters.”

 2. Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t…
You’re probably right

928. You can’t fix stupid…
But I keep a list of names in case I ever figure it out.

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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