Welcome white nationalists, Klansmen, Confederate flag-wavers, Nazis, White Supremacists, racialists, and supremacists! I know we usually begin these meetings with our traditional “Sig Heil” salute, or by reciting the “14 most important words” of the alternative-right mantra:
“We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children.”
But since we have an audience today that includes people of lesser origin than our beautiful Aryan race, we decided to go with a more inoffensive greeting.
Since our white nationalist movement has gained popularity in America, culminating in the election of Donald Trump (trust me, even though his skin might be all three colors of candy corn, he is most definitely white. I checked), many people have wondered how we plan to institute our agenda in America.
Long before some anonymous Luke Cage wannabe Mortal Combat-punched one of our more prominent members in the face on national TV, Richard Spencer coined the term “alt-right” to unite all of the disparate white nationalist groups under one umbrella for one goal. In fact, some Jewish fella named Eric Kaufmann stated it best when he said we believe that “that national identity should be built around white ethnicity, and that white people should therefore maintain both a demographic majority and dominance of the nation’s culture and public life… White supremacists and white nationalists both believe that racial discrimination should be incorporated into law and policy.”
I’ll be damned. It’s almost like he comes to the meetings.
Anyway, many of you are wondering how we plan to push back the rising tide of a nonwhite America and turn our white nationalist rhetoric into a political reality. Well, you know us, we’re white! We always have something up our sleeves! So sit back and enjoy your unseasoned celery and mayonnaise casserole while we explain our four-point plan to making America White Again.
Step 1. Convince them that not all white people are racist.
Recite it 100 times every day to practice not laughing when you say it.
In the immediate aftermath of the 2016 election cycle, after the entirety of non-white America finished throwing up in their mouths at the prospect of our reincarnated Hitler, they blamed all white people for Donald Trump’s election victory. They knew that every caucasian hadn’t cast a ballot for saffron Satan, but what boggled their minds was the fact that most of us did. Fortunately, all you have to do is convince them that you aren’t one of the racists.
Even if you had a sign in your yard, a Trump/Pence bumper sticker in your yard and hung a confederate flag on your flagpole that matched your “Make America Great Again” hat, whenever any Black person brings up Donald Trump, immediately say that you didn’t vote for him. Practice your white sympathy, puppy dog look in the mirror every day before you drink your coffee.
I know what you’re thinking—sooner or later they’ll start wondering why they haven’t met a Trump voter in person. Trust me, they won’t. If there’s one thing our people are good at, escaping blame is one of them. If we weren’t, our grandfathers would have been victims of machete attacks years ago. One of the hallmarks of people of color is their uncanny willingness to judge people by the content of their character instead of shooting first and asking questions later (shout out to all the policemen in the building. Good to see you here). By the time they figure it out, they’re usually in chains, hanging from a tree or bleeding to death in a Charleston church. Yet they still believe it, so keep saying it.
Not all white people are racist.
See, I didn’t even chuckle when I said it.
Step 2. Put The Racists in Charge
Just like Chrisette Michelle—that colored girl who we bamboozled into singing at the inauguration—we all know Donald Trump is no political genius. It’s ok to have a dummy standing up front as long as you have the real White power running things behind the scenes. Trump might be a New York liberal at heart, but we sprinkled the real-deal White supremacists throughout his administration
As a matter of fact, one of the biggest reason our movement spread so rapidly is because of Steve Bannon, who said he provided a “voice for the alt-right.” Now he is Chief Strategist for the Trump administration. We haven’t had someone this high in the White Supremacy movement inside the White House since… well… Karl Rove. But still, eight years is a long time.
I know many of you have heard the president talk about the millions of illegals who voted in the last election. While those numbers might be fictional, you might wonder how we’ll fix drastic increase of non-white voters. Wanna guess?
You got it: Racism. Damn, you guessed it on your first try.
Remember how The Civil Rights division of the Justice Department was in charge of fighting Voter ID laws? In one of the most blatant, I-don’t-give-a-damn-about-black-people moves of all time, we took the guy who wrote and defended many of the laws designed to suppress the minority vote, and put him in charge of the Civil Rights division! His name is John Gore, his racism resumé is stellar. He helped Rick Scott purge voter rolls in Florida. He defended the North Carolina transgender bathroom bill. He has defended Voter ID laws in multiple states.
We also put Betsy Devos—whose school choice policies segregated Michigan schools—in charge of education, and placed Ben Carson in charge of Housing and Urban Development. I know you’re saying, “but Ben Carson is Black!” Yes, that is true, but he has no experience in housing, urban renewal or any other area the job requires.
Can you see the agenda coming together? Remember, “white nationalism is about maintaining political and economic dominance.” If we destroy minority voting rights, civil liberties, their education, and their communities, we’re halfway to our white utopia.
Step 3. Peaceful Ethnic Cleansing:
I know it seems like everywhere you go, you run into black people. America wasn’t always like this. Turn on an episode of Leave It To Beaver or Andy Griffith, and see if you can find a colored person, or even a Hispanic. I’ll wait.
This is why we have to make America Great again (and by “great” I mean “white”).
Richard Spencer (the guy who created the term “alt-right” and caught those hands on CNN) and his think tank, The National Policy Institute (or as we call it—the “Gang of Hate”) advocates for a “peaceful ethnic cleansing.”
“But how,” you might ask. “It’s 2017, we can’t go around killing exterminating minorities like Hitler.” I know. I know. Trust me, I have wet dreams about it every night.
Now I know you aren’t going to believe this—hold on, let me see if I can keep a straight face: We convinced Congress to let one of the all-time, hall of fame racists join the cabinet, and—get this—we put him in charge of the Justice Department! Yes! Jeff Sessions, who once told a Black attorney to “be careful what you say to white folks!” Jeff Sessions, who called a white civil rights worker a “traitor to his race!” Jeff Sessions, who said he thought the KKK was OK until he found out they smoked pot. That Jeff Sessions! In charge of justice!
So if cops kill 233 Black men like they did in 2016, Jeff Sessions—who doesn’t believe in federal interference with police will decide if the officer should be prosecuted. When someone mentions the fact that prison sentences for Black men are 20% longer than sentences for White men who commit the same crimes, they’ll have to talk to the guy who believes in “law and order.” The next time one of our comrades enters a black church and goes on a shooting spree, don’t despair. Jeff Sessions doesn’t believe in using hate crime legislation.
Don’t forget we’re building the wall, and President Trump just signed an executive order limiting the immigration of Muslims and refugees. Plus we’re back to building the keystone pipeline that might poison hundreds of indigenous people’s water.
That’s how we “peacefully ethnic cleanse.” If we can’t shoot them at church, we’ll lock them up. If we can’t lock them up, we’ll wall them out. If we can’t wall them out, we’ll just kick them out. If you can’t kick them out, we’ll poison them. And I know what you’re thinking:
“But killing them isn’t peaceful…”
I said, “at church,” remember?
Step 4. The Alternative Facts Machine
This part is key. Sooner or later someone will start asking tough questions. Whenever this happens, there is one only one thing you have to do:
It’s just that easy. Your lie doesn’t have to be intricately detailed or even make sense. When faced with the choice between swallowing the bitter truth and embracing a comfortable fib, America will always choose the latter. That’s why it’s called a “white lie.” Plus, it’s in your blood, so you should be well-practiced. Make them believe you are banning Muslims so you can keep the country safe. Tell them you won the popular vote with the same poker face your ancestors used when they stepped onto the shores and told the First Nation people “We come in peace.” Look directly into the camera and disavow the KKK with as much honesty your forefathers used when they said they believed “all men are created equal.”
This is how the white nationalist movement transforms from racist ideas into political reality. In less than a week, you have seen the Trump administration begin to integrate these concepts into policy. If you stick to this plan, we might be able to turn the tide and reclaim the white man’s place on America’s throne. There is only one caveat we must offer:
We have tried this before. In fact, for 500 years we have never stopped trying, but somehow we always fail. The resilience and perseverance of the non-white people seem inextinguishable. They have an indestructible will. The fortitude is unfading. Even though we far outnumber them, have much more political power and way more economic resources, it might still come down to a fight.
I should warn you; they can fight like a motherfucker.
And they always do.