By Michael Harriot
Yesterday we were once again awash in white tears when the collective Caucasianary’s head exploded because Beyonce performed at the Country Music Awards. never mind that she actually had a country song on an album that probably sold more than all of the other artists there combined (You might want to fact check that statement, because rednecks still go to Walmart and buy CD’s so they might be the last remnant of society who actually purchases music). In their heads it wasn’t because of racism or style of music that made Queen Bey’s appearance inappropriate. It was because she stood against everything Country Music believes in: Police. America. The Troops. Jesus. Ever since the Super Bowl halftime performance and the subsequent release of Lemonade, suburban America (spelled W. H. I. T. E. P. E. O. P. L. E. ) have painted ‘Yonce as a rabble-rousing Black Panther crooning about killing cops and loving “negro noses.”
Anyway, during the chorus of caucasians in cowboy hats and snakeskin boots whining, one commenter asked “When did Beyonce go from pop star to Angry Black Woman?” Ha. Beyonce–an angry Black woman.
How the fuck, America?
She literally sings and dances every day–which is the exact opposite of “angry.”
But it got me to thinking: Am I an “angry Black?” Are you? Well now we have a scientific way to find out. Take this quiz to see where you stand on the White scale of angry negroes.
Good Luck and god bless:
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Are You an "Angry Black?"
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Use this quiz to determine where you stand on the White people richter scale of negro belligerence. Take the results of this quiz, and print them out to show your white friends. Depending on your score, you might be able to use it to get disinvited to White barbecues, saving yourself from an afternoon of unseasoned chicken and potato salad with weird ingredients like cranberries or pomegranate seeds. Alternately, a low score might get you a formal invitation to serve as the Black friend they are talking about when they say “some of my best friends are Black.” Use accordingly.
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Troll – You like fucking with White people. You don’t let anything slide by them, and you cut them no slack. You probably have a daishiki and use the word “cracker” in mixed company. White people get nervous around you because you’re always calling them out.
Blackety Black – You know how to Black without being belligerent. White people like you, but they know they can’t say “nigga” around you–even if they are reciting a Tupac song. You’re the person at work they can ask if something is racist or not.
If it is racist…
You might pee in the coffee pot
Pretty cool…for a Black Guy You’re the cool ass Black guy from the beer commercials and who White people are talking about when they say they “some of their best friends are Black.” You are careful not to offend anyone, even when they do some racist shit.
Token You’re the token. White people keep you around because they know you won’t cause any trouble and they can do and say anything they want around you and you won’t be offended. You like going camping and don’t hang around Black people too much because they are too loud and always want to fight. You’ll probably die when you and your friends go hiking and you find out that you’ve really been lured to the woods to be a blood sacrifice in a Satanic Neo-Nazi ritual.
Good luck with that.
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Your personal stance on the phrase “Black Lives Matter” is
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When you hear White people talking normally, then turn to address you in their “urban” code-switch, “Black,” tone, you:
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In an average week, you spend how often do you spend nonworking hours with your white friends?
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