NegusWhoRead
Sex & Relationships
The BlackGirlMagic Advice Column

What if Dear Abby was your college professor who “did hair” in her kitchen on weekends while making macaroni and cheese in the oven? That’s BlackGirlMagic, and she’s come to NegusWhoRead to fix the bullshit in your life.

I have a dating rule that I don’t date women with more than one baby daddy. I think building a relationship between two people is hard, and when you factor in the personalities of multiple children and the fathers of those children, it becomes infinitely harder. My friends tell me that rule is unrealistic and chauvinistic. Am I wrong?

- C.B.

I don’t think that there is anything inherently wrong with you having preferences as long as you acknowledge that they are just preferences. Life is infinitely hard and and rendering all women who have procreated with more than one person in a lifetime is your decision.

I don’t think you are unrealistic. You might be a chauvinist and might be exhibiting a level of cowardice that actually says more about you than these perspective women. If  you aren’t interested in playing daddy or uncle daddy, that’s fine. Children are a big responsibility. Until the relationship reaches a certain level of seriousness there is no way in hell you should expect for any reasonable woman to make your needs and desires equal to or more important than those of her kids. It takes a certain type of man to be a role model to another man’s child(ren). OR…

 If you think women with children from more than one man are unworthy of your love, you might be a chauvinist asshat. Besides, who the fuck are you to quantify a woman’s worth based on your perceptions of her without taking out the time to get to know her?

I find it interesting that you don’t have an issue with the children — you have an issue with the men. Would a woman with one baby-father and three children be more acceptable? It seems like you would be comfortable asserting yourself to children and might possibly have some reservations about asserting yourself amongst other men.

In the end it is your decision. You have a right to live the way you want to live. There are some really dope people who have multiple baby daddies, bad credit, fucked-up families and a host of other variables, because shit happens, love happens and people change. I don’t know many men who would pass up an opportunity to enjoy some Badu goo, eat Halle’s Berry or be welcomed into the fold of one of the richest blended families by courting the Blasian beauty Kimora Lee.

Your preferences are you preferences. Just make sure your keep your head about you and try not to be an elitist asshole about them. Who knows, you might open yourself up to an amazingly unexpected journey with someone you never thought you could have loved.

 

I am a 25 year-old woman with no children, a good education and a burgeoning career. I recently broke up with my longtime boyfriend, and am not ready to jump into a relationship. The problem is that I am going through sexual withdrawals because I am careful about who I am intimate with. How do I find a regular, safe sex partner and remain single?

- Jameelah

It is 2016. Apparently gonorrhea is morphing into one of the X-Men. Almost 20 percent of the American population in your age group has herpes. Scientists say HPV causes cancer. Safe sex ain’t what it used to be. 

If you don’t have an ex or a friend whom you know well and might be interested in a friends-with-benefits situation, you may be shit out of luck for a while. There are lots of assholes out there, both men and women. The time it takes to get to know someone long enough to feel sure that:

A. They are clean,
B. they respect your choice to keep the yoni juicing without expecting you to rearrange your life
and
C. they won’t give you “the package…”

you could have started a new meaningful relationship.

Get yourself a vibrator and a physically exhausting hobby until you are ready to take on the task of taking applications or starting a new relationship. Functional fuck buddies require fluid communication and if that is too much, one night stands are always an option. Just make sure you don’t do something that has your tookie tail turning green, growing tress or falling off. Go buy some condoms, get a supply of PREP and live your life. I simply advise you to know the risks and to protect yourself.

 

I have a good friend who recommended me for a position in HR at the company where she works. We have worked together for two years, and she often complains about how she is treated, how everyone “hates on” her, and how racist management is. The problem is, she is terrible at her job. She is belligerent with coworkers, blames others and doesn’t put time and effort into her work. I have seen her work reviews and she is in danger of losing her job.

Do I risk my job by breaking my employer’s confidentiality rules to give a heads up to the friend who got me my position, or should I be professional, say nothing and stay out of it?

- Kim J

How would she retaliate once you told her? Would she believe you? If the company were to get sued by her do you understand that you could get swept up in that bullshit? What do you have to gain by telling her?

No, you don’t tell her. You have a job to do and losing your job for someone who desires to lose hers is not a smart decision. Frankly, I don’t think any of it is your fucking business. She recommended you, you were probably hired on your own merit because she clearly ain’t shit. Her co-workers and superiors know she ain’t shit and for the past two years you have successfully been able to distance yourself from her cloud of ain’t-shitness. Acting like she doesn’t already know she ain’t shit and feeling like she is a stellar employee is silly and could possibly have you out of a job.

Start getting job posting sites together, ask around for who is hiring and be there to support her when everything crumbles. If you were not working at the same company as she does, and you knew she was behaving in this way, you would do the same.

It would be completely different if you believed she was being wrongly accused of something — but she isn’t. If she finds out that you knew, she might be mad, hurt or upset, but as a friend she should understand that you take your job seriously. She shouldn’t expect you to compromise your career just because she is fucking up.

If you need answers, tweet @NegusWhoRead and include the hashtag #BlackGirlMagic

About the author

Britt Wiggins is a military brat without a hometown currently residing in Alabama. She is a lover of words and lives life with purposeful instrumentation. Often tempted to lower herself into a squat at the first indication of an orchestral E-Chord progression because she too is taking over for the 99-2000.

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