By Michael Harriot
I have seen racists, rapists and child molesters. I recently met someone who puts sugar in grits. I’ve read about people boycotting Beyoncé. I even know a woman who confessed to abusing her children by making them drink Kool Aid sweetened with Stevia. (Yes, I called Child Protective Services. If we don’t protect our youth, who will?) But there is one group of people who are are unbearably worse than all of these:
People who eat candy corn.
They are the real enemy. I’m sure they exist in a long line of terrorists that began with the Philistines and extend to ISIS and Trump supporters. In fact, I have it on good authority that when Seal Team Six put and put a bullet through the head of Osama Bin Laden and then dumped his body in the ocean (I still can’t understand how y’all believe that story. I’m laughing at it as I type this),when they burst through the doors of the Pakistani Compound, they found family-size bags of candy corn strewn all over the palatial estate. You can actually look that up.
Along with cancer, Mona Scott-Young and raking leaves in the fall, candy corn is one of the biggest scourges of our society. People who eat candy corn should be put on the terrorist watch list, because they have perpetuated this plague on our communities for time immemorial. It is because of you bastards that children across this great country will return home tomorrow with trick-or-treat bags filled with sumptuous chocolate goodies, candy apples and Jolly Ranchers. And at the bottom of the bag, like the crumbs at the bottom of the cereal boxes will inevitably be a few pieces of candy corn fucking up the whole thing. I know you might be reading this thinking “but I like candy corn.”
No you don’t.
No one likes candy corn. Its like the missionary position of candies. You’ll do it, but you don’t dream about it. In fact, there are only two kinds of people in the world:
- People who think they like candy corn
- Smart people
Maybe you are one of the people who think you like candy corn. Maybe your mother dropped you on your head when you were an infant and screwed up you taste bud processor wiring (I think that’s a medical term). Maybe you are just brainwashed by the big candy corn industry lobbyists (#StayWoke). I bet you eat those circus peanuts too.Maybe you just have disgusting taste in food, but ask yourself these questions:
- When was the last non-Halloween time you were in a store checking for candy corn?
- Remember that scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory about the fantastic candy corn machine? Of course you don’t.
- Have you ever had a child knock on your door and say, “nah, you can keep the Snickers and Reese’s Cups. I’d rather have minuscule cones with cat hair stuck to them, that taste like nothing familiar, but will get stuck in my teeth until Thanksgiving.”
- You know how there’s chocolate flavored rum, vodka that tastes like cotton candy and even honey-infused whiskey? Why hasn’t anyone made a candy corn flavored corn-liquor?
First of all, that’s not how corn looks. At least no corn that I’ve ever eaten. Maybe it is the original corn that the Native Americans gave us. But I still don’t fuck with it. If it is maize, let Franky Beverly eat it. (*Editor’s note: We at NegusWhoRead are proud to say that previous sentence was the first ever documented instance of R&B/Indian/corn joke). I’ve heard some people say it’s actually how unprocessed organic corn is supposed to look. Well I say:
- How do you know?
- Stop lying.
Secondly, do you know what’s in candy corn? Me either. But I bet I can tell you what’s not in it–corn. Unless it’s corn syrup, which is really just sugar. I know I could look it up, but why? I’m not eating that shit even if it said it was made from remnants of Rosa Parks’ cornbread and Beyoncé’s tongue kisses. I know what it’s made of–evil, poor taste, yellow dye #5, and a hate for all mankind… and probably corn syrup. Corn syrup is in everything. You can look that up.
Thirdly, because they are not individually wrapped, whenever you eat candy corn you should know that it has been in at least 1,029 other people’s hands, and 1,028 of those people said “I don’t want this shit, and tried to throw it away. That’s why candy corn always tastes a little bit like palms and pee. But candy corn never goes away. It just exists. There is a metaphysical theory that I just created in my mind that states that there are only nineteen or twenty pieces of candy corn in the world, but they just circulate amongst us. They are everywhere. If you reach between your couch cushions right now I bet you’ll find a nickel, a cough drop wrapper and at least two pieces of candy corn. Every time I clean out my car I find a french fry and a piece of candy corn. I don’t even eat in my car. I am convinced that someone sneaks into my car and eats McDonald’s and Brach’s candy corn at least once a week.
Whoever came up with candy corn should be deported, because they obviously hate America. As soon as I solve racism, homophobia and figure out why white people like mustard on turkey sandwiches, I’m going to work on America’s candy corn problem. I know you want to label me a “hero” for tackling this blight on our lives, but someone has to do the dirty work. If I don’t stand up, who will? I don’t want my children living in that kind of world. Harriet Tubman didn’t sit on the back of that bus so we could eat candy corn. George Washington didn’t emancipate the slaves so we could be stuck in this vicious, non-delectable eating cycle. When Abraham Lincoln, Shakespeare and Jesus sat down to write the Declaration of Independence, the original draft stated:
We hold these truths to be self evident. That all men are equal and endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights. And among these are Life, Liberty, The Pursuit of Happiness, and the Freedom not to eat no nasty-ass candy corn.
Look it up.