By Tomika Glenn
In August, 2016 Tomika Glenn shared her experience with NegusWhoRead after choosing celibacy. Today she checks back in.
If you read the first installment and your friend bet you $100 that I wouldn’t make it 30 days, just pay your friend and don’t blame me. It’s your fault for gambling! I am but flesh and blood and a sucker for a man with a particular skill-set which has the ability to make my toes curl.
Instead of being 4 1/2 months into this journey, I’m only 3 1/2 months down this sexless road. I guess you could say I’m in transition, because I became single, abruptly in November. The relationship is nothing I want to discuss because I don’t make a habit of picking at scabs until they bleed. Just know, he was a fuckboy on fuck shit and I’m glad it’s over!
I’mma miss the D though. The D was awesome. Fuck him though!
(Why do the fuckboys always have the best D? I have a theory about that. I think they know it’s good, so they feel it’s their duty to share with every woman in the world.)
I am learning.
I’m learning that men don’t really want me. They want the idea of me and I’m not cool with that. I’m cursed with that good black that doesn’t crack so most men who try to holla are much younger than me. They say age ain’t nothing but a number, but we all know that’s not only an Aaliyah song, but a bunch of bullshit.
It’s not just the younger men. I met a man my age a few months back and we have yet to have a whole conversation. I already know I wouldn’t date him, but I don’t know why I keep responding when he texts. His voice is a complete turn off and he seems like kind of a jerk.
I take that back. I know why: He’s fine. No, he’s fahn as frogs hair, that’s why! I just wanna tell him, “shut up and be pretty!” I know that sounds terrible, but at the moment, this is what it is.
He wants to have sex. He hasn’t come out and said it, but I can tell by his actions. There was this one time he wanted me to come over so he could “hold me.” Nigga! I’m 44 years old! Sigh, no. Just no! I just don’t know if I want to and that’s my right. I don’t lead him on. I actually try to ask him questions to get to know him better. I want him to give me something that will make me more attracted to him, but his conversation skills are the equivalent to watching paint dry. Am I the only person aggravated by people with horrible conversation skills? I just want to scream!
Unfortunately I’m in that in-between stage where it’s possible to jump off the wagon for some stress relief, and I know there is D waiting on standby like a bottle of whiskey in the closet of an alcoholic. All I have to do is make a call or send a text and it’s on! It’s like men know when you’re not getting any, on purpose. They’re like, “why would you wanna turn down alladis good D gurl?!” It can be annoying. There were times when I got weak, made plans and changed my mind, because it would put me back at square one and I don’t wanna start over again.
I had plans over my vacation to hook up with the youngster I talked about in the first installment. It didn’t work out how I wanted because he started a new relationship. I’m genuinely happy for him. She can probably give him what I can’t–a child. That’s one compromise I’m not willing to make.
We made a backup husband/wife pact, that if neither of us were married by the time he was 40, we’d marry each other. He said he felt like I’d have his best interest at heart and he’s right. I like him. At one time I almost loved him, but the nature of our relationship kept me from giving him 100% of me. I like when I can be my authentic self with people in general, but I love when I can be that with the person I’m dating.
I will be strong.
I’m not saying I know everything about me, but at this point I keep wondering what I am missing. What is it I need to know that I’m not getting? I’m going to just listen and pay attention to what the universe is trying to tell me. Sex interferes with the ability to hear and see important things we need to know that will help grow us as individuals.
It’s going to be a long 3 1/2 months!