Church Announcements From The Black Congregation That Endorsed Donald Trump

By Michael Harriot

Yesterday an entire Black church in Charlotte, NC endorsed the Republican candidate for President. The Antioch Road To Glory International Ministries (which, I would assert, is probably as “international” as the local I.H.O.P.) announced their support for Donald Trump around the issue of job creation and economic growth. Although I am suspicious of any place of worship whose name can’t fit on a church basketball league jersey, most media outlets (as usual) failed to talk about some of the other things that  Antioch Road To Glory is doing in the community, and for the families in their congregation. Because NegusWhoRread always tells the entire story, we now would like to list the church announcements that included the Donald Trump endorsement in their entirety:

  • The Antioch church outreach group would like to invite you to join our group’s door to door campaign. Even though no one usually answers when our missionaries go door-to-door to spread the gospel, their head-turning calling cards have received a lot of attention. I believe it was Deacon David Duke’s idea that–instead of leaving bible study pamphlets on the front door–to leave a flaming cross on the front lawn as a sign that we are “on fire for Jesus.”
  • The pastor would like to remind all worshippers that Antioch Road to Glory is an English-only church. Therefore we do not allow languages such as French, Italian or Mexican. In fact, if you are struck by the Holy Ghost and have to speak in tongues, we ask that you do it in English, in the tradition of the greatest American who ever lived–Jesus.
  • The pastor would like to apologize to all the people he offended when he praised the biblical ruler Herod, who murdered all the firstborn Jewish sons  as “a very strong leader.”
  • Please be reminded that the deadline for scholarship applications are due next Sunday. These merit-based scholarships are awarded based on how much money your daddy is willing to donate to the scholarship fund. All winners receive full tuition, books, room and board at the prestigious Trump University, which boasts such prestigious graduates as Jennifer–the woman in charge of all the lettuce, tomatoes and salsa at the local Chipotle, and Dennis, who went on to Harvard University Law School’s janitorial staff.
  • We have heard some members of the church are upset that we will no longer use the King James Version of the Bible. Please do not worry about this. The New Melania Trump International Translation is exactly the same as the King James Version. The only differences are:1. The cover is now white, which, we believe will make the scriptures more authentic and easier to accept.

    2. All references to Satan, Lucifer or The Devil will now change to simply “Crooked Hillary.” 

    3. There is one added verse in Genesis that explains how Adam and Eve never would have the forbidden fruit if God had thought to build a wall around the tree of Good and Evil

  • Today we will take up a special offering for the Antioch Road To Glory Gospel Choir to purchase new uniforms. The new choir robes will be all white, and they will come with beautiful white pointed hoods.
  • Tithes envelopes are located on the backs of the pews. Please be aware that if you are rich, Antioch Church  only requires that you pay 6% in tithes. If you are college educated middle class, you pay 8% in tithes. If you are poor, you pay the entire 10% in tithes but if you work hard and believe in Jesus hard enough, the lord will bless you and enlarge your territory so much that you will one day become an 8% tithes payer.
  • Next week’s Bible study will focus solely on the book of the Bible called “Two Corinthians.”
  • The pastor would again like to apologize for interrupting last week’s Sunday School Lesson. When he started hearing the story about a family of refugees who paid their taxes and abided by the law, but were turned away repeatedly because no one wanted to house them, he admits that he was a little presumptuous in calling Mary and Joseph “dirty immigrants.”
  • Finally, we would like everyone to know that while we know our religion has a history of condoning slavery, subjugating women and anesthetizing the masses so they will submit to the status quo, Antioch Road To Glory Baptist Church has only one mission:To Make Christianity Great Again.

Scripture of the day: 

For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command:  Love your neihgbor as yourself

Melania 5:14

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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