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Maybe Donald Trump is a Cokehead

By Michael Harriot

As we struggle to understand Donald Trump’s cacophony of lies, incendiary statements and braggadocious rhetoric, many of his detractors like to attribute it to his rich, White boy privilege, an inflated sense of ego or simply to racism. No one ever takes an evidence-based, scientific, objective look at either of the presidential candidates and offers a reasonable  explanation of their actions… Until now.

NegusWhoRead has gathered a group of scientists, doctors and people whose VCRs have been stolen by crackheads and came up with the only logical conclusion that any reasonable person can make:

Maybe Donald Trump is a cokehead.

Immediately after Monday night’s debate former head of the Democratic National Committee, Howard Dean, tweeted:

It should be noted that Howard Dean is not a trader in conspiracy theories or a left-wing nut job. In 2004 he won the Iowa caucuses and was thought to have the inside track to win the Presidency, so he has invaluable political experience that should not be dismissed out of hand. More importantly, he is also a trained, licensed physician who ran his own practice in Vermont. Neither I, or anyone on NegusWhoRead’s staff has ever been to Vermont, but I was (and I am very hesitant to announce this because it may lead to a revocation of my Black card) a huge fan of the sitcom “Newhart” which detailed the life of a man who owned a bed and breakfast in Vermont. Based on my extensive viewing of this show, I can say without equivocation that there are no Black people in Vermont. I watched the show faithfully, so my statement is valid. Based on almost every study ever done, Whites use cocaine at higher rates than Blacks, so Howard Dean, a doctor in a State where Bob Newhart’s fictional show proves there are no Black people, Howard Dean is uniquely qualified to talk about the intersection of White people, politics and cocaine. That’s just science.

Asked the next day if the tweet was a haphazard comment, Dean not only reiterated his belief that Trump was a cokehead, he offered medical symptoms to bolster his theory.

“No, I’m suggesting we think about it. Here’s the interesting constellation. So, he sniffs during the presentation, which is something that users do. He also has grandiosity, which is something that accompanies that problem. He has delusions. He has trouble with pressured speech. He interrupted Hillary Clinton 29 times. He couldn’t keep himself together. So, look, do I think at 70 years old he has a cocaine habit? Probably not. But, you know, it’s something that—I think it would be interesting to ask him and see if he ever had a problem with that.”

Although this accusations seems inflammatory and partisan, there are many people on the left and right who have latched on to Dean’s hypothesis, because it offers the only rational explanation for some of Trump’s behavior. Maybe he’s not a racist, blowhard after all. Maybe he’s just a cokehead.

Check out this supercut of Donald Trump’s sniffles:

We decided to break down the evidence to see if Donald Trump is really a cokehead:

He lies all the time  If you’ve ever been to a party and found yourself trapped in a never-ending conversation with someone high on cocaine, you know that not only could they not shut the fuck up, but they also peppered every sentence with grandiose lies. They offer up lies about how smart they are, how many women they’ve slept with, or how many billions of dollars they’re worth. The only way you can get them quiet is to tell them you’re going to get a drink…

Or ask to see their tax returns.

He’s always in a fight I’ve always believed that anyone fighting at the club is either high on cocaine or drunk. Weed smokers don’t fight. It is well-documented that Trump doesn’t touch alcohol, so…

And he’s always starting shit. With Hillary. With Miss Universe contestants. With Megan Kelly. With Jeb Bush. Trump is like the friend who gets kicked out every party and their excuse is always “They started with me first.” You can’t take that motherfucker anywhere! Any person who starts a fight with the parents of a dead soldier, insults a former prisoner of war or mocks a disabled writer’s handicap is probably on something.

They have a secret plan that cannot fail Cokeheads always have an insane idea about a business they are going to start that only sounds good if you are high. Whether it’s a line of thong adult diapers or a shampoo for bald people, they always have a fucked up idea, and they want you to invest in it. Trump has built a career out of this. No one bought Trump steaks or Trump wine because if you ate them you might turn orange and get tiny, tiny hands. But we are supposed to believe he can build a wall and make Mexico pay for it, or has a super-secret, magical plan to defeat Isis. Sounds like cokehead talk to me.

They know a guy with good coke I bet Donald gets that good, Columbian cocaine that only Pablo Escobar, Scarface and Lindsey Lohan has access to, because he has relationships with despots and dictators around the world. As a matter of fact, has anyone wondered what he was doing in Mexico a few weeks ago? Was the meeting with the Mexican President a cover for hooking up with El Chapo? Now that I think about it, that’s probably why he keeps big-upping Vladimir Putin every time he is asked about him. It’s not that Trump believes Putin is a better leader than Barack Obama, he’s just afraid that they’re going to mess up his connection with the plug.

He exhibits cokehead behavior He doesn’t let the press on his plane because he wants “to be alone.” He has a lot of gold-plated stuff. He believes every conspiracy theory because he is paranoid. He talks with his hands. He’s always in the bathroom.

They leave with the hottest chick at the party There’s one thing about a guy who’s high on cocaine that is always true. They always leave with the hottest white girl at the party. Even if the dude snorting the booger sugar is Black, he still leaves with a skinny white girl. And she’s never very bright. She says stupid stuff like “My favorite rap group is The Beatles” or “I really did write that convention speech.

Maybe Donald Trump isn’t a cokehead, but who are you supposed to believe, the guy who lies almost every time he opens his mouth or a certified medical doctor and the dopest digital magazine on the entire world wide web? We don’t want to sway you either way, we just present the facts.

That’s just science.

 

 

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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