Humor
Donald Trump is a DopeBoy

By Michael Harriot

As mainstream media tries to piece together the entire Donald Trump mystery, NegusWhoRead has come up with an alternative theory which explains every question surrounding the pumpkin-skinned pussy-grabber. All of the speculation about his taxes, his attitude and his secret Russian ties has led us to one all-encompassing argument that brings together every troubling bulletpoint on the tanning bed totalitarian’s resumé. After an extensive investigation that includes putting pictures on a corkboard and using tacks and yarn to connect the lines like they do on every police detective show, we have determined that only one conclusion can be reached:

Donald Trump sells dope.

Don’t laugh. We haven’t been drinking (that much… I mean, it is St. Patrick’s Day). What we are about to lay out is the most compelling case presented yet on why DJ Trump has been acting so strange. We aren’t saying this is true, we are saying it might be true, and it is just as reasonable an argument as Russian business ties or a secret pee-pee sex tape.

Here is our evidence:

Poor White People Love Trump If you’ve ever lived in a drug infested area (I have) or passed by a trap house, then you know that the popular narrative of zombie-like black crackheads milling around on the corner isn’t true. Research data and statistics show that wypipo use more drugs than blacks–even though blacks are more likely to serve time for selling or possessing drugs. Every dope spot is marked by a steady flow of Caucasians cruising by in 1987 Toyota Tercel’s trying to cop some rocket fuel.

This is probably why the crowds are so happy and raucous at Trump rallies–they know the ice cream man is coming.

No One Knows Where His Money Comes From Why do most big time drug dealers get caught? It’s not like the movies where an undercover busts them with keys of cocaine. It’s the IRS. It’s forensic accounting. Even if you get your money illegally, they they will eventually find out where it came from.

You wanna know why Trump won’t show us his taxes? What if–under “occupation” he just wrote in “the plug”

It’s not so impossible to believe. A man once paid someone to set his business on fire and the tried to deduct it on his taxes. Also, with marijuana becoming legal in states around the country, people actually can send their tax information with “street shit” as their job

His Secret Meetings With His Overseas Connect Media outlets continue to expose Donald Trump’s bromance with Vladimir Putin. He is scared to say anything negative about Vlad, and big-ups him at every opportunity. Everyone surmises that’s because the ex-KGB officer has some damaging info on Trump, but what if it’s because Putin is Trump’s drug boss?

Russia has the most drug users in the world, and people outside the US all know that Putin is called the “unofficial richest man in the world.” Do you think these are coincidences? I’ve even heard rumors that Trump only allows the Secret Service to play songs by Notorious BIG on Air Force One.  Putin probably has a pipeline of heroin that he needs to sell, and that’s what all the meetings are about, which leads us to…

Trump’s Duffle Bag Crew Whenever a drug boss can’t meet with his underlings, he always sends his crew to handle the drop-off or the pickup. So far, Jeff Sessions, Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, Jared Kushner and Rex Tillerson are just a few of The Donald’s associates who have met with Russians. That sounds just like Trump sending his corner boy lieutenants to meet with the connect.

And I know what I’m talking about.

Look, I have never been a drug dealer, but I’ve seen every episode of The Wire and I have a dog named Omar so I think I’m very well-qualified to speak on the subject of drug trafficking, and it sounds like Trump is Stringer and Putin is Proposition Joe.

He has fucked up business sense How did Trump become a billionaire when all of his above-board businesses have gone under at least once? A man who has declared bankruptcy at least 6 times, thought Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka and even Trump Water was a good idea is supposedly a business genius? How, Sway?

If you have ever known a drug dealer, then you know they all have fucked up business sense. You don’t have to be a genius to sell drugs. It’s not like you have to develop a business plan, build a marketing scheme or learn economics and finance. All you need is drugs! Have you ever heard a D-boy say “I don’t know how I’m going to get rid of all this dope!”

Nah, bruh. And every dealer has a shitty idea of how he’s going to leverage is drug money into a legit business, whether it’s opening up a school (Trump did that), starting a clothing line (Trump did that), buying real estate in his kids’ names (Trump did that) or a car wash.

Dope boys always open up car washes.

He’s paranoid Donald Trump swears Barack Obama has tapped his phone, and people within the White House say there is a culture of paranoia that has gripped every staffer. This is classic D-boy syndrome.

Have you ever talked with a drug dealer on the phone? They always think their phone is tapped. You could be talking to them about going to church, a basketball game or asking for a free car wash, and they will want to talk in code. They will hit you with something like, “you gotta be careful. You never know when the Feds are watching.”

Nigga you sell dime bags to high schoolers! I’m not learning pig latin for you!

When you put all of this together, it seems relatively clear: Donald Trump is the plug.  It explains why he plates everything in gold, likes model chicks and so much more.

While mass media, pundits and everyone else is complaining about how Trump is throwing the rules, protocol and etiquette of the presidency out the door, you must remember the words of the double-dealing, snitching, disrespectful man known as Cheese said just before he shot Proposition Joe:

“Ain’t no nostalgia to this shit.
There’s just the street,
and the game,
and what happens here today.”

 

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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