Have you ever had “Nigga vu?” It’s an instinctive feeling like “deja vu” only blacker. It’s the feeling you get in the collard-green-processing part of your stomach when you’re around someone who is racist. It’s when you don’t ask any questions, but just start running when you see the crowd parting at the club, because you know someone is going to start shooting. It’s when you can swear you’ve seen someone before, but can’t remember where — and then you figure out they called you “nigger” in traffic in 2004. Nigga vu is a valuable instinct necessary to all Black people.
Since Donald Trump declared his candidacy, I’ve had a dull, pulsing sense of Nigga vu about him. At first, I didn’t know what it was. I already knew he was a race-baiter (which is different from a racist), so that wasn’t it (By the way — anyone who pretends to be outraged that a 60-year-old billionaire heir doesn’t want Black people around is either a liar or an idiot). It didn’t have anything to do with his political positions (or lack thereof). I wasn’t even bothered by his old, white-guy campaign cap with the rope around the bill and the “Make America Great Again” iron-on letters on the front. There was something else about the tangerine-tinted Hitler that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
For some reason I was drawn to his speeches, and compelled by his charisma, until I finally figured it out:
Donald Trump is a gangsta rapper.
Before you start laughing and close your browser window, hear me out. As one of the country’s foremost hip-hop aficionados, I did an in-depth comparison and here’s what I came up with:
HIS SUPPORT COMES FROM WHITE PEOPLE – Even if you’re a really popular gangsta rapper, you can still rap about killing other Black men or mistreating Black women because Black people aren’t buying your CDs or purchasing your songs from iTunes — Caucasian teenagers are. The same goes for the Republican nomination. Trump can talk about walling out Mexicans or keeping out Muslims because they weren’t going to support him anyway.
Don’t let anyone fool you that Trump won because of voter turnout, the Electoral College or the Russians. Trump is President because of the support from Y. P. Pull. 53% of White women voted for him, and every White dude except for 3 in California and 2 in Wisconsin. That’s how he got the nomination. Who do you think votes in the Iowa Caucuses and the New Hampshire Republican primary? There are five Black people in all of New Hampshire — Jamaal, Tracy, Kim, Tony and Gerrard. That’s it.
That is two more black people than you will see at a Drake concert.
HE IS A BALLER – Like any gangsta worth their salt, Donald Trump loves to brag about “gettin’ money.” Even after Bloomberg detailed that he wasn’t really worth the $10 billion he claimed, he brushed that shit off his shoulders by dismissing the magazine’s fellow billionaire founder as a “hater.” Like most Gangsta Rappers, he’s probably just stunting, though–which is why I believe he won’t release his taxes. I think Donald Trump is broke-balling. The Donald stunts so hard on you hoes that he completed what might go down as the most balling-est move of all time — He gold-plated a plane. A motherfucking plane.
Your move, P. Diddy.
HE STARTED A CLOTHING LINE – Even though Trump always dresses like the villain in an 80’s movie who runs the corporation that invented the machine that went rogue and will destroy the planet unless Matt Damon or Chris Hemsworth dismantles it in time — he owns a very successful fashion line of suits and ties, which proves one point that all gangsta rappers know: White people will buy anything.
Ironically, the people who buy those wide, solid-color Trump neckties are the same demographic of consumers who buy outfits from Lil’ Wayne’s Truckfit line:
White guys who desperately want to fit in, and people who go to church a little too often.
HE LOVES BAD BITCHES, THAT’S HIS FUCKING PROBLEM – Even though he looks like one of the mini-troll dolls that go on the end of pencils you roll in your palms to release stress, The Donald keeps a model chick on his arm. That’s some gangsta shit right there. I often ask myself “How does he keep upgrading to younger and more beautiful women, while he keeps getting more orangutan-like?” I know it’s a stupid question. After all, Jay-Z dated Foxy Brown and married Beyonce. Biggie had Faith and Lil’ Kim before the Queen Bee became a pre-op Jabba the Hutt. Even Rick Ross had… well I’m sure someone let Rick Ross have sex with them, which is a miracle in and of itself. Some women love bad boys. A lot of women love money. Trump has both. Maybe he is a charming, charismatic man in private. Maybe it is his pussy-grabbing technique.
Or maybe he just makes it rain on dem hoes.
Speaking of Rick Ross…
HE “TRUMPS” UP HIS GANGSTA CREDENTIALS — Like Rick Ross’s stolen name and made-up history, Donald Trump will have you believe that if anyone fucks with America, he’s gonna pull a chopper out the trunk, start blasting on ISIS, and then take all their oil. He loves to defend second amendment rights to the troglodyte Republican base but, like all those “thug rappers from the hood” Donald Trump went to a good school, doesn’t own any firearms and wouldn’t bust a grape in a food fight. You can’t even carry a handgun in New York, but if you listen to a mixtape of his stump speeches, you’d think that when Tupac made My Ambitionz as a Ridah, Trump was the one who was driving. He won’t even deny it. He’s a straight rider. He’s got Ted Cruz bussin’ at meeee. But hey can’t do nothin’ to a G.
Whenever anyone asks him the details of some of his more far-fetched proposals, he never has an answer. But one day, an overzealous reporter is going to ask what method he intends to use to make Mexico pay for the wall he is going to build, and Trump is going to lean in close to the microphone, stare into the journalist’s eyes and say:
HE LOVES BEEF – If you think Biggie vs Tupac was an epic beef, you must not know the history of Donald Trump. The Human Combover will even beef with inanimate objects like Obama’s birth certificate. He “ethered” Rosie O’Donnell worse than Nas did Jigga (I’m sorry. I’m a Jay-Z fan too, but if you don’t think Nas won that battle, you probably have some Soulja Boy CDs in your collection). And he still won’t stop fucking with Rosie! I bet Rosie was home eating some Kraft Shells & Cheese, watching the first Republican debate, and when Trump insulted her again, she was like “but I didn’t even say anything!” Trump is like 50 Cent — you don’t even have to bother him for him to start fucking with you. If Jeb Bush wants to eventually win the Republican nomination he should have a sit-down with Ja Rule to find out where he went wrong.
And like “Fiddy” and other gangsta rappers, Trump likes to beef on twitter, too. He beefed with Joe Scarborough, Obama, and even Republican Paul Ryan. I actually follow Donald Trump on twitter.
Not because I believe in his political ideas…
I’m just waiting for the tweet about John Lewis liking fingers in the booty.
OK, that probably won’t happen.
But my Nigga vu says otherwise.