Before anyone in the lamestream media was paying attention to the rhetoric of Donald Trump, NegusWhoRead had already dissected his words, actions and mannerisms. We looked at the fact that he loved “bad bitches,” balled out of control , started his own clothing line and continuously started beef with everyone and reached the only conclusion that we could come to about the orange-faced fascist:
Donald Trump is a gangsta rapper.
When we announced this, everyone laughed, but since then, the investigative staff at NegusWhoRead confirmed our initial findings when we found a copy of Trump’s unreleased mixtape tape. Our crack team of forensic hackers were searching through his files looking for his taxes when we stumbled upon this treasure. We immediately handed it over to our music department, and they completed the following track-by-track breakdown of the D. Trump mixtape.
1. Cruz Control D-Trump apparently hit the studio immediately after Ted Cruz failed to endorse him at the Republican National Convention. This is a hot diss record with Trump talking about Cruz’s melting face, losing record and how he was going to piss in Ted’s cowboy boots.
2. 2 Whyte 2 Proud (ft Mike Pence) On the album’s most controversial track, Trump drops a hot sixteen about how he and Mike Pence are going to make America White again. Pence’s verse is a stilted, off-beat, white boy flow reminiscent of that time your white co-worker tried to freestyle at the company Christmas Party.
3. Bitches Aren’t Shit D Trump runs down his history with women, from his 3 wives, to the women who worked for him who say he was a sexist, to the women he cheated with, to the “dumb hoes who won’t vote for a bro/but they already know, D. Trump is fo’ sho.”
4. No 2nd Chances D. Trizzle drops another diss record on “Lying Hillary.” At the end of the record he calls on his 2nd Amendment homies, to “ride on that trick like a real neo-Nazi/do her like Al-Queda did that night in Benghazi.” When reached for comment, he denied that he was calling for violence against Hillary Clinton. He said “there are a million Hillaries in the world. How did you know I didn’t write that song during the episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air when Hillary Banks was being a real bitch? See how the press always jumps to conclusions?
5. Real Flow (ft. Melania Trump) This song goes so hard. The lyrics are well-crafted, intricately complex and expertly written. It is really a hip hop masterpiece that surprised the entire staff at how nice Melania was on the mic. When the young music reviewers let me listen to it, I realized why it was so good:
She was just reciting the lyrics to “Cha Cha Cha” by MC Lyte.
6. Twisted History This song tells the story of how President Obama founded ISIS. It begins with Donald Trump defeating the Lannister Army and the Whitewalkers at Castle Black and then fighting off a alien attack and saving the earth with nothing but a butterknife and a pair of needlenose pliers. It’s a good fantasy record.
7. Family Affair (ft. the Trump Family) The song starts off with Eazy T (Eric Trump) talking about how dope his father is, then Young Trumppa (Donald Trump Jr.) drops a verse about how dope his father is, followed by Eve-Ankh-a (Ivanka Trump) talking about–you guessed it–how dope her father is. Things get weird when Donald comes in and begins rapping about how hot Ivanka is, and how he wants to “taste her Ankh.” I fast forwarded through the last part.
8. Self Made Trump spits a hot sixteen about how to come from nothing and build a vast billion-dollar real estate empire. He goes into explicit detail, but I have to admit I tuned out after the he says “As soon as you get old enough , you gotta convince your daddy to loan you a million bucks.”
9. When My Homie Calls (ft Sarah Palin) I really couldn’t understand what the hell she was talking about.
10. Down For My Niggers (ft. Ben Carson) Ben Carson spits hot fire about how he stabbed people in the dicks, beat up Popeye’s chicken robbers and made all black people look bad.
11. Hit Them Up The album ends with an epic diss record where he goes off on everybody. He throws stones at Marco Rubio, John McCain, Paul Ryan, the media, teleprompters, The pope, Jesus… everybody! Then he ends by quoting the beginning of the Declaration of Independence:
“We hold these to be self evident.”
“No. Deez nuts.”
D. Trump’s latest album “Make Hip Hop Great Again” will be available in stores on August 32nd.