By Michael Harriot
A few days ago the world learned the news of the Bowling Green Massacre. Although it immediately began trending on social media, there are many people who don’t know the specifics of this latest American tragedy. The investigative journalists at NegusWhoRead have sifted through the documents, footage and eyewitness accounts to answer all your questions about this little-known incident.
What is the Bowling Green Massacre?
The Bowling Green Massacre is a recent terrorist incident that the mainstream media refuses to bring to light. Fortunately, one of America’s greatest truth-tellers–the melted Malibu Barbie, Cryptkeeper lookalike and Trump administration spokesperson known as Kellyanne Conway–brought it to America’s attention during an interview on MSNBC’s Chris Matthews Show.
Who was involved in the massacre?
The atrocity was perpetrated by dangerous refugee Muslim immigrants that the Trump administration has vowed to protect us from.
How did they get into the country?
Most people aren’t aware that brown people know magic. A recent study completed by the Board of Urban Legends, Lies and Hysteria Statistics Impersonating Truth (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.) found that all non-white groups are endowed with a mysterious superpower that allows them to defy the laws of physics, evidence and common sense. Millions of illegal Mexicans can vote in elections although there is no statistical evidence. They take jobs from Americans, although it doesn’t show up in employment statistics. Black Lives Matter can start an anti-police movement although no cop-killer has ever been connected with the Black Lives Matter Movement. And yes, Muslim extremists can magically teleport themselves into America despite the screening process, immigration laws and the fact that no refugee or immigrant from one of Trump’s banned countries has committed a terrorist act in the U.S. – unless you count the Bowling Green tragedy.
How did it happen?
First, you must remember that the media is covering it up, so these facts are unconfirmed, but we have gleaned this profile from Trump Administration reports:
After the U.S. dropped bombs in Syria, a few refugees came to America on the preferred method of Middle Eastern travel–a magic carpet. When they landed in Bowling Green Kentucky, they somehow acquired guns. This was extremely difficult–especially when you consider that you don’t need a permit to carry firearms in Kentucky, nor does one need a license to carry guns. After cleverly going undetected as Muslims in Kentucky, the conspirators opened fire on White people, killing a sizeable number.
Then–because they were brown people, they disappeared, never to be found. Some people say they went back to train with ISIS. Others say they went back to do what most of America’s population does–work hard, get an education and live peacefully. Kellyanne Conway, however, knows the real truth: They are in hiding, lying in wait, planning their next attack on America’s good White people.
Wow. So how many people died?
Officials have yet to release a body count. This is probably because of the complexity of the crime. When the dust settles, I am sure it will rival 9/11 or whatever the number is required to inspire collective caucasian fear. The casualties are countless…
In the literal sense of the word: “Without a count.”
So how do we catch them?
We can’t. Brown people are extremely clever. While they look like they are going to school and work, trying to make a good life for their families, White America and Trump voters (I’m sorry, that last statement might be redundant) can see through their shenanigans. Wypipo know their plan is to take over, force everyone to speak Spanish, institute Sharia law, and–perhaps the worst part of all–impregnate White women and destroy the purity of the White race until the United States is one beige, homogenous non-white, non-Christian nation of mutts.
Man, that is really nefarious. When did this plan start?
Oh, it has been in place a long time. Since the beginning of America. Before this country began, Africans invaded by jumping on board U.S. ships and shackled themselves so they could come to this country and work for free for 400 years. This seems like a lot to go through to take over this country, but you should never underestimate their ingenuity. Then they allowed thousands of their fellow Blacks to be lynched, abused and treated like second-class citizens during the Jim Crow era. Meanwhile, the Mexicans let America steal their land so they could lie in wait for their opportunity. While all this was going on, Muslims in the Middle East acted like they weren’t paying us any attention, but the entire time, they were seducing us with oil and natural resources in hope that we would one day invade their sovereign land, bomb their cities, disrespect their religion and cause havoc in their corner of the world.
It was all part of their master plan.
Then, one day, after enduring all that pain, they started doing little things that gave us a glimpse into their nefarious plot.
- They started asking for equal rights.
- They wanted to go to our schools and drink out of our water fountains.
- They wanted to vote.
- They started whistling at white women, practicing with BB guns in parks and walking through our neighborhoods with Skittles
- They started insisting that their lives mattered.
How do we stop this from happening again?
That’s why we elected President Trump. He might look like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas had a baby with Garfield the Cat, but trust me–he knows what he’s doing. He’s going to build a wall. He wrote up a Muslim ban. He’s instituting “Law and Order.” Even though he has the IQ and the body of a manatee with a learning disability, he’s hired some of the best racists in the country to show him how to “Make America White Again.”
What do we do until then?
Our straw-haired, Walking Dead zombie extra, Kellyanne Conway showed us what to do. We do what they did in South Africa. We do what ISIS does. We do what the KKK does. We do what Nazi Germany did. We do what the Alt-right message boards say. We do what everyone who wants to exterminate the part of the population that doesn’t think like they do, always does:
We spread hate. We spread irrational fear. We use “America-first” patriotism as an excuse for self-righteous ethnic cleansing.
But mostly, we just hate.