I am an artist.
We artists have been carrying humanity’s creative load for far too long while you science and business leaders plod slowly along, introducing something new ever-so-sporadically. Sure, every now and then you people will give us a new iPhone or an electric car, but most of you are spending your time working on bullshit like the shake weight or sex robots. The only great new products in the last 30 years is automatic parallel parking and the yellow first down line on TV football games. There are problems you should be working to solve that can change the world for the better, so to all my mathematically inclined friends, I have five suggestions that you should begin working on immediately.
KOTEX EARBUDS – What the fuck, earbud manufacturers? Look, I know there are a lot of things wrong with my body. My feet are flat so I don’t wear certain shoes. I have long fingers so I have to wear gloves made for Shaquille O’Neil that have room for three or four palms. But I know my ear canals aren’t that misshapen. No matter what kind of earbuds I buy, when I get halfway into a jog or a workout they start slipping out like a guy who needs a condom extension (see below). The expensive ones won’t go in all the way, and the cheap ones slip out. I don’t want any readers sending me suggestions, either. I know they make a brand that has a hook that goes behind the ear or a rigid headband. None of that shit works for me.
But there is a solution. I think the people who make tampons have a responsibility to the concept of American ingenuity to solve this problem. If they can manufacture feminine products that can fit inside the infinite number of vagina shapes and sizes, they should be able to knock this out it a few weeks. I’ve seen the commercials with weirdly happy women riding bikes and running marathons, so I know they have the technology.
Oooh! And you can call them Beats By K!
(I’m gonna need a few dollars for that one.)
A CONDOM EXTENSION – Since the beginning of time women have complained about men with small penises. Furthermore, one of this century’s biggest problems is the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Why has no one introduced a rubber with a little bit of extra dick at the end is beyond me. Prophylactic manufacturers haven’t made a real advance in condom technology since they corrugated the condom and called it “ribbed for her pleasure.” (Which is a scam in and of itself. Have you ever heard a woman say “The sex was ok, but if his penis was the texture of Ruffles potato chips, it would have been fantastic!”) I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but that little bit of real estate at the end of the condom that you refer to as the reservoir tip is a perfect place for a little bit of extra meat.
If this product comes to market, ladies, you cannot say anything when you see a guy at the convenience store asking the clerk for a 3-pack of “Magnums with the sausage tip.”
It’s for your pleasure.
AN ENTHUSIASM POINT – Look, we have emoji’s, emoticons and all kinds of texting symbols (except for a Black Family Emoji, long advocated by the comedian BStuc) but we don’t have a proper punctuation tool that exudes enthusiasm. We need something that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point that denotes that you should read it in a slightly higher octave. For instance, if I’m invited to someone’s house for a cookout, and I reply “OK, I’ll be there.” it sounds like I don’t really want to go. But if I reply “I’ll be there!” I sound a little too thirsty for the cookout, and they’re probably gonna text me before I come and ask me to bring some aluminum foil.
We also need a font for sarcasm, and a real penis emoji. Using the eggplant symbol for a penis raises expectations and could make someone think your penis either has a hangover, or pledged Que when it was in college.
LACEFRONT EYEBROWS – When I see anyone who has drawn on their eyebrows, I assume they were:
a. A victim of a horrible stove pilot-lighting accident, or
b. Messed them up while plucking them, and then tried to draw them back on with a sharpie.
No one is perfect. With the rise of eyebrow threading shops and all the women who clog up barberships trying to get their brows done perfectly, there will be some mistakes. The lacefront eyebrow can fix that.
Plus, when the eyebrow lacefront is perfected, the technology can be used for other purposes. Every dude reading this has seriously contemplated how he could get away with murdering a distracted barber who fucked up his haircut. This could fix that problem. In a pinch it can also serve as temporary pubic hair for when you’ve shaved your lady parts, but your boyfriend tells you he likes a landing strip. (By the way, as a member of the “natural-hair-down-there” movement, I can assure you, NO ONE likes a landing strip. It is essentially a pussy mohawk and–like when Kendall Jenner wears cornrows–is not appropriate unless you have Native American heritage. I hate cultural appropriation.) The lacefront could also serve as a fill-in for all the dudes who want to sport a beard, but have that one patch on their jawline that won’t grow any hair. Grab these lacefront eyebrows and join the #BeardGang.
A FUCKBOY REGISTRY – I’m placing this one squarely on the shoulders of ladies. Women always complain about how many creepy, douchebag fuckboys they encounter on the dating scene. That is your fault. Before you move to a new neighborhood, most responsible people will check the area to see if how many people near their new home are registered sexual predators. Similarly, women need to create a registry of fuckboys they have encountered. Like the sexual predator list, it would list the offenses that the fuckboy committed to get him placed on the list. For instance, a woman might give a guy a second chance who was simply guilty of having his credit card declined so she had to unexpectedly pay for a date that he invited her on. That is not an offense worthy of a lifetime fuckboy designation, but if you found out he propositioned your sister and your best friend for a threeesome after you two were in a committed relationship, that’s a first-degree, capital fuckboy crime.
Plus this would be a great thing for all the good dudes out there. I’d love to tell a woman “I have good credit, I’m STD-free, and have never been convicted of any fuckboiletry…”
So I’m safe to date…
Even if you think I’m weird because I’m wearing Kotex earbuds and have a pocket full of Trojan Hot Rods.