By Michael Harriot
Like myself, I have many friends going to the polls tomorrow who simply cannot bring themselves to vote for Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. For us, the lesser of two evils is still evil. I even considered voting for a third-party candidate, but after watching this clip:
I am convinced that Gary Johnson is on crystal meth. If that is just good weed, he still can’t be President, because he is keeping valuable secrets and there are too many Americans who need to know where to get that kind of chronic. I also couldn’t vote for Jill Stein because she won’t dissuade her followers from the lie that vaccinations cause autism, which means if she–like another candidate we won’t name–gets an endorsement from the KKK newspaper, she might just go along with whatever they say so she can get the votes.
Anyway, NegusWhoRead doesn’t endorse any particular candidate (although if you vote for Donald Trump we hope you die in a grease fire), but we are sensitive to the plight of those who can’t convince themselves to vote for either candidate of the two major political parties. As a service for you (because we are always here to help) NegusWhoRead would like to offer you alternative write-in candidates for President.
Judge Joe Brown If America wants a tough, no-nonsense man who is unafraid to speak his mind, why not Judge Joe Brown? Most of the people who have been elected Presidents have had law degrees, and we need someone who understands the law, so they wont go around deleting emails and grabbing pussies all day. If you want someone who will get to the bottom of any issue, Joe is the man. Many people aren’t aware that Judge Brown actually served as judge on the case that investigated whether James Earl Ray killed Martin Luther King. He publicly revealed that the rifle found on James Earl Ray was not the gun that killed King. Brown was so thorough in his investigation that he was removed from the case because he “repeatedly went beyond the narrow legal questions” and seemed to be “on a fact-finding mission.”
Plus, I just want to hear him call Putin out, or tell the Republican leader of the House that he’s “acting like a crackhead.”
Judge Brown loves to call people crackheads.
Grandma I’m not talking about today’s 43-year-old grandmothers who still wear freakum dresses and go to Beyonce concerts with their “besties.” I’m talking about a real grandma. A grandma who wears a flowery housecoat. A grandmother who wears white stocking to formal events. A grandma who is on the Usher board and is so high in the line of succession that she’s only two or three deaths from becoming the mother of the church.
If we want this country to respect the Presidency again, America needs a Black grandmother as Head of State, because you are going to respect her unless you want her to go outside and get a switch. You think ISIS would be planning attacks against the US if we let loose a Black grandma with a belt into Syria? We would re-establish our power in the world because every foreign leader would be coming to America trying to negotiate treaties, but all they really wanted was some of that macaroni and cheese they heard about at the G8 Summit.
The only problem might be that no one could sit in the living room at the Oval Office and even if the Sultan of Brunei came to visit the White House, she still wouldn’t pull out her “good plates.”
Bill Bellichck/Greg Popovich OK, I had to include some white people on the list for the sake of diversity, but a Bellichick/Popovich administration makes a lot of sense. First of all, they know what the fuck they’re doing, which is a rare atribute, but a valuable commodity nowadays. Secondly, they know how to work with Black people. Bellichick got Randy Moss to calm down, and Greg Popovich turned Tim Duncan, a walking talking version of this emoji: into an international superstar. That’s gotta count for something.
For some reason, I believe that if Bill Bellichick got the Senate into one room, he’d get them to pass any bill and confirm any Supreme court nominee in 47 minutes. Plus, the State of The Union speeches would be short as fuck.
“This was a good year. The State of the Union is Strong. Now on to Tampa Bay.”
Leslie Jones: You know what America needs more than anything?
Someone who doesn’t give a fuck.
That’s Leslie Jones. If Leslie Jones was President, North Korea wouldn’t be fucking with us like they do now, because Leslie Jones is, like 2 feet taller than Kim Jung Un. Plus, State dinners would be lit because everyone would leave laughing so hard they were crying. Don’t even mention the State of the Union Address! If Michelle Obama won’t serve as the first Black woman President, I nominate Leslie.
Plus, Unlike Obama and others, Leslie is used to dealing with Alt-right neo-nazi assholes. She sucks it up and keeps on going when they repeatedly attack her. And if you think Donald Trump is crazy on twitter, you need to follow Leslie! She would definitely be the first commander-in-chief that knows how to pronounce the word “muhfucka” correctly. If Leslie was running against Trump, can you imagine how she’d roast him for grabbing women’s pussies? She’d probably dare his orange ass to grab hers so she could beat him like a slave.
As a matter of fact, just the prospect of Leslie beating down Trump is all the reparations Black America needs.
Jesus And I’m not even a Christian. I just believe Jesus is the only human who ever lived who can wade to this political morass that we have created. I’d also like to have at least one more Black President. It is not for any religious reason, either. It is because Jesus can be whatever you want him to be. Because White people can convince themselves that a man born in the Middle East to parents from the Middle East can have blonde hair, but can’t believe a man born in Hawaii to a mother from Kansas is American.
I know what you’re thinking: Jesus shouldn’t be President because we have a separation of Church and State.
To that I say: Trust me, Jesus wouldn’t go to any of these churches.
Plus, whether it comes to foreign relations, domestic policy, economic discussions or anything political, I have already come up with a perfect campaign slogan for his candidacy that every Christian already has a bumper sticker for:
Christ 2016: What Would Jesus Do?