Sex & Relationships
#ForNever Duncan

By Kyla Lacey

If you haven’t seen or heard of the #ForeverDuncan histeria, you need to watch this:

First of all, let me say, that I love black love, I am here for it, I stan and stand for it, I hope to be in it again one day, and I would also like to extend a sincere congratulations to the Duncans if this is what makes them happy.  However, I know that I speak for a lot of women who wouldn’t be too excited about not being a part of the planning of their own wedding.

About a week before #foreverduncan even became a thing, I was having a conversation with a friend about Chris Bridges b.k.a. Ludacris and his wife Eudoxie. As the story goes, Luda asked his now wife to marry him while they were on a plane home and then surprised her with getting married the same day.  She wore an off-white, curve-hugging, jersey dress.  The reason that there was no problem with her fitting the dress is because it was a dress that was in her closet, she came downstairs at their house and they got married (well ain’t that special). This also happened while he was going through a custody battle with the mother of his “break baby;” a break I’m sure only Chris knew about.  At the time Ludacris was filing for full custody of his one-year-old child, and I’m sure that marrying the woman who was to deliver his third child, less than six months later, would probably make him look a lot better to the court system.

My friend and I, both concluded that no, that had hot mess written all over it and we wanted no parts of it.  To me, their wedding sounded more like a consolation prize. They dated since 2009 and finally married over six years later. I’m glad he finally decided that he was going to keep her around, and I can completely understand him wanting to have an understated affair, as I am sure that he is in financial turmoil (you know with all the new babies and such). I’m not saying that they aren’t in love but don’t ask to marry me as a way to say sorry for cheating on me, or because you are afraid to lose me or because you are afraid to lose your kid that you conceived while we were on a “break,” that I agreed we were on for PR reasons (even though Instagram shows otherwise), marry me because you love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me.

Fast forward to this week when “ForeverDuncan,” trended and admittedly the video gave me chills ( I’m not a completely horrible person). However, my skepticism did peak when I also read that they had been practicing abstinence since they began dating and I can’t help but hmmmmm and call a flag on the playa! Are you sure you couldn’t wait to get married or are you sure you couldn’t wait to consummate the marriage?  I also read that they had known each other for nine years and it was when she lost a lot of weight that he decided to slip into her DMs. Now,  I saw some of the things he posted and agree that they are touching and beautiful, but the thought of someone surprising me with a whole wedding is a bit scary, to say the least.

If he left no stone unturned to make sure that his wife had exactly the wedding that her little heart desired, then I am so very much here for that, but how many men would actually be able to execute that? I love surprises; I’ve surprised my mother with a trip to Hawaii and she didn’t even know where we were going until the connecting flight, but I’ve also known this woman my whole life, we didn’t just start going together in January. I also knew that was her number one dream vacation.  Not to mention, there is a different amount of openness and vulnerability that comes with being a girlfriend, versus being a fiancée and then being wife.

If I were to get married in a surprise wedding, I am sure that people who I really wanted to be there would be absent, and it would sincerely hurt that some people were not there. One of my favorite people in the world is my high school German teacher, with whom I still have close contact, but how would he have access to her without me?  I was at her wedding, and I want her to be at mine, and that’s just the tip of the “I-can’t-wait-until-you-meet-this-person” iceberg.

I think marriage should be an institution based on compromise and maybe because I’m much more a feminist than most, I can’t imagine the precedent that would be set by going into a marriage and not being able to plan how the marriage was even initiated. What other major occurrences would he surprise me with? “Honey, I bought you/us a house, today!” “Honey, I hope you like this new sports car!” I am very big on equality in marriage, and submitting to someone sounds antiquated and unfair, but I understand that it has its base in religion, which is also something that isn’t for everyone.

Speaking of feminism, there are a growing number of women who have been getting down on one knee (which for all of you submission lovers out there, seems pretty submissive to me in context) and asking men to marry them.  Can you imagine what the reaction would be if a woman were to decide that she was going to pop the question and then have the wedding already planned that day? Society would book her a first class ticket to crazytown, and that doesn’t seem too fair does it? When a man does it, he is being extremely thoughtful and romantic, but when a woman does it, she would be seen as being desperate even though most women do the bulk of the wedding planning without much input from their spouses.

Some will call me jealous or even hating for writing this and I assure you that I am neither.  I am however, pretty sure that when I find a mate I want them to consider me in making such a grand moment happen.  If this works for the Duncans, the Bridges or anyone else for that matter, more power to them, but I don’t want to just be at my wedding, I want to be present too.  Maybe it could be something so simple as I love being creative and I would feel robbed of that. Maybe it could be something that so grand that I love being an equal partner in a lifelong loveship and not allowing me the ability to have a hands-on experience in my own wedding would set a precedent that would not fulfill my needs later in the marriage.  Either way, if it works for them, that’s amazing, but as for me, don’t just invite me to my own wedding.

About the author

Kyla Jenee Lacey is primarily a spoken word artist who has performed at over 100 colleges and universities in over 30 states. Her first poem was published when she was ten years old. She has been a three time finalist in the largest regional poetry slam in the country and nominated for numerous awards for college performers. She has a modest Facebook following due to her slight humor, her love for logic, her cynicism and love for cats. She is also feminist, blacktivist, LGBT ally, budding blogger and tree hugger. twitter: Kyla_Lacey Instagram: frequentfly_her

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