By Michael Harriot
Michael Harriot now holds the record as the only person of color invited to speak to the Secret Global Meeting of the International Association of White People four times. He previously spoke to them about wearing blackface, how to talk about race, and living under a terrorist threat. The following is a transcript from his recent address about a subject which affects all Americans.
Greetings White People. It’s good to see all of you assembled again. It is not often that I am asked to speak in front of such a homogenous group of people. I appreciate the dinner. I assume you saved a lot of money by not seasoning the chicken breasts, and as for the potato salad… no comment. The wine was spectacular, though.
When I was last here, Taylor Swift had front row seats, and now Kim Kardashian has taken her seats alongside some other blonde… Oh that’s you Khloe? Girrrl you look good! How did you lose all that weight?!? You’re not taking hits of Lamar’s cigarettes are you? I’m just kidding. It’s good to see you again. You should go give Chris Christie some tips.
Again, I kid. I see you, Chris.
Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something more important, this time. The fate of the world is depending on you. With all the powerbrokers, Illuminati members and billionaires in your ranks, I know you’ve heard this before, but this time I’m serious. The entire melanated world knows that the people of your delegation are nothing if not thorough, and we know that you have an official White People rule book filled with all your policies and procedures, so…
To all the White people of the world, we of the Negro Delegation, would like to know your official return policy. We want to know if we can bring back your two Presidential Candidates.
Look, we still have the receipts and everything. We just decided we don’t want them, so what should we do? I know you aren’t used to White people being treated in such a harsh unwelcoming manner, but trust me, We’ve been wanting to return Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump for a while.
We don’t even have to have our money back. We’ll take store credit, which I assume you offer because I know y’all love gift cards. Although I am not privy to the White People operating manual, I’m sure there is an entire section that instructs the entire caucasian congress that gift cards are the number one gift for all office parties and holiday celebrations. So we’ll take a gift card in return for Hillary Clinton. We might buy something good with it from one of the places that only White people shop, like Pinterest or Panera Bread.
We aren’t even mad about the emails. Or when she called us “superpredators.” Or when she advocated for a law that disproportionately locked up thousands of people of color. Or Benghazi. Or when she race-baited Barack Obama. Well, we were kinda mad, but you know how we do. We are a forgiving lot. If not, half of you gathered in this room would not be here because of past atrocities we would have stabbed your ancestors in their individual necks or ground glass into their mint juleps, or…
But I digress. The reason we would like to return Hillary Clinton is because of the underhanded way she stole the nomination. Now, we who caucus with the negroes didn’t even like Bernie that much. There was something weirdly unsettling about his smile, and the way his back was hunched. He was too supervillain-y for us. But we Black people don’t like people subverting the political process with backroom dealings. And don’t try to say she won fair and square because–as we learned with Richard Nixon, who could not be here tonight–where there’s smoke, there’s a white person trying to put out a fire. I see why the Democratic Party held an entire convention and no one said a thing about voter ID laws and the repealing of the Voting Rights act–because she was doing it too.
And as for Donald Trump, we are willing to take anything you’re willing to give us for him. We’ll take gift certificates, coupons a manager discount… shit, we’ll even take an exchange. We’ll even exchange him for sweaty, dry-mouthed Marco Rubio, or weird, teflon-faced Carly Fiorina. How about Jeb Bush? I know he’s “low energy,” but have you guys tried to slide a penny between the battery and that little spring? How about putting his batteries in the freezer? That works for us sometimes.
The White People executive council has allotted me a short amount of time for this speech so I can’t even begin to list all of the transgressions your tangerine-tinted, neo-Nazi erection-inducing, single-digit IQ’ed, squash-shape bodied, troll-doll haired, Ku Klux Klan posterboy of a candidate has committed against the American people, but I know y’all could do batter than that.
I could walk into any Walmart in the country right now, go to the lawn and garden section, close my eyes and pick out a better candidate than these two. They’ll probably be wearing flip-flops and holding up the checkout line with coupons for half off cases of Mello Yello, but they’d still be a better candidate than Donald or Hillary.
Has this what it has come to, White people? I remember when you were a proud race. You are the people of Lincoln, Reagan, and Taft. When you came to us for a candidate, we sent you an eloquent, composed, charismatic Harvard Law graduate who married a Princeton Law graduate. Now y’all wanna send us a carrot-colored Stalin wannabe and Cruella Deville in Steve Harvey a suit? I know your people don’t have a rich history of fairness and handling equality, but come on, White people. What were y’all thinking when you went in the voting booth at the primaries? I know you guys like practical jokes, so if this is some sort of elaborate prank, please say so. I thought I caught a glimpse of Ashton Kutcher in the back row but I couldn’t be sure because, you know, you all look alike.
In conclusion, I stand before you, the Caucasian people begging you to let us return these candidates. Despite their wrinkles and mussed up hair, I swear we didn’t even open the package. We don’t even want our money back.
Plus, y’all kinda owe us one.
Thank you, and good night.