Welcome to the 2016 Fuckboy Awards ceremony brought to you by NegusWhoRead, Gucci sandals and Axe body spray!
Each year we assemble a group of experts in the field of douchebaggery to award the most prominent fuckboys in America. Our esteemed panel includes women who have been fucked over by men, real niggas and a small group of ex fuckboys who have undergone an extensive electroshock therapy treatment that brought them back from the land of fuckboys.
Our nominees undergo a rigorous vetting process that revolves around one question: “What the fuck is up with this muhfucka?” If the answer from the majority of our panel is, “he’s a fuckboy,” then he receives a nomination. Each winner will receive a trophy called the “bitchnigga,” that is modeled after the first fuckboy in recorded history.
In 1324 the richest man who ever lived, King Musa Keita I (commonly called Mansa Muta) took his pilgrimage to Mecca. He was so rich that the gold he gave away bankrupted economies along the path of his pilgrimage. As he passed through northern Africa, right outside of one village, you know there was one dude who turned to his girl and said “man, that nigga ain’t all that.” Then he tried to get his boys to rob the king.
That man was the first fuckboy.
Let us begin our ceremony.
Best New Fuckboy – Cam Newton
This award goes to someone we thought was a regular citizen, who then emerged from the shadows of normality to reveal his effboy tendencies. No one exemplifies the danger of dormant fuckboyitis more than the Carolina Panther QB. Last year all of Black America was behind Cam as White America castigated him for dancing too much, being too bold, and outspoken (translation: too Black).
But Newton’s unnoticed, recessive fuckboy genes suddenly became dominant in 2016. Perhaps it was when he decided to name his son Chosen. Maybe it was when he told a writer at GQ that he doesn’t pay attention to race because we were “beyond that… as a nation.”
Regardless, Cam tapdanced away from his melanin and toward the White light wearing minstrel show outfits and Step-n-Fetchit hats while hemming and hawwing about anything that had to do with Black people. The Colin Kaepernick protest? Cam wouldn’t do that. The Keith Lamont Scott Shooting? Ummm… Cam didn’t know enough about it. The subsequent protests? We all “gotta do better?” Cam wanted to be a team and community leader, but whenever controversy about anything Black emerged, he did what fuckboys always do–equivocate with meaningless nonsense and platitudes until you forget what you were even talking about.
Fuckboy Fighter of the Year – Amber Rose
Amber Rose’s fuckboy deterrent game is perhaps the strongest of all time. She managed to sidestep Kanye’s full-blown fuckboy phase, and when he tried to come for child, Amber Rose clapped back so hard that the only question I have about Kanye is how many fingers did Rose manage to fit in his rectum.
Aside from the Yeezy chronicles, Rose gave the finger (see what I did there?) to all fuckboys when she organized a “slutwalk” and started changing the narrative about slut-shaming. I am accepting this award for Amber. She couldn’t be here because the annual Light Skinned Awards were being held at the same time. We understand. Where would you rather be–at a Ramada Inn banquet hall with a bunch of Fuckboys or in the same room as Steph Curry, Drake and Beyoncé?
Greatest Fuckboy Move – Nate Parker
Perhaps the biggest fuckboy move of all time is including not one–but two historically inaccurate, invented, unnecessary rape scenes in a movie as you’re fighting allegations of old rape charges after the alleged victim killed herself. Whether Nate Parker is guilty of anything is irrelevant at this point, but the way he attacked anyone who questioned his past indiscretions, and then shoehorned sexual assault into Birth of a Nation’s slave narrative is peak fuckboy.
Most Improved Fuckboy – Women
There was a time when being a fuckboy was a male-dominated industry. As with all things, however, when given the opportunity, women will show they are just as capable as men at any job, and being a fuckboy is no exception. Although there have been women who have made their mark as fuckgirls, living in the shadows, this year women emerged from their respective cocoons to take their places in he annals of fuckboy history. The entire casts of the Real Housewives and Love and Hip Hop appear to be comprised of fuckboys and their female counterparts. If a dude did what Black Chyna did to Rob, every woman would be calling him a punk motherfucker. I don’t even know who Kerreuche and Kehlani are, but when dealing with anyone whose name begins with a K, you must keep your Fuckboy Spidey senses at full alert.
Speaking of the Kardashians…
FuckGirl of the year – All of the Kardashians
I do not believe in a Kardashian curse. I just believe those motherfuckers are crazy.
Here is a list of what happened with the Kardashians this year: Kanye ended up in the hospital. Lamar Odom was in a coma. Tyga had two cars repossessed. Kim was kidnapped and robbed. Rob had his baby and his name stolen. Caitlyn Jenner said he wanted to be a dude again.
But does this make them Fuckgirls?
Yes. Like fuckboys, Fuckgirls love drama, and they tell everyone too much of their business. In fact, when a Kardashian releases nude pictures draped in diamonds every seventeen minutes on instagram, it isn’t slutty or shameful–it’s just fuckgirlish in the same way that fuckboys like to take shirtless photos, showing their abs, holding money and guns.
In fact, one day when history looks back on all this, Kris Jenner, the matriarch of the Kardashians will be to fuckgirls what Mary is to Christianity.
Except for the virgin part.
Before we get to our final award, here are some awards given out in a ceremony held earlier:
- Fictional Fuckboy of the Year: Ramsay Bolton
- Dude you wanted to be a fuckboy but he really wasn’t: Tie: Your ex boyfriend, and Lawrence from Insecure
- Fuckboy of the Future Award: The little boy whose mama bought him every pair of Jordans and thinks it’s cute when he cusses
- God-Don’t-Like-Ugly Fuckboy Award: The Black pastors who met with Donald Trump
And finally, our
Fuckboy Of The Year – Kanye West
Kanye exemplifies everything we think is wrong with the fuckboy. He started out the year by reminding the world that his wife made a porno with Ray J. That might be the most disgusting move of the year (Rule #1: If anything in the venn diagram of your relationship history intersects with Ray-J, you might be a fuckboy). Then he attacked Wiz Khalifa–who appears to only eat wisps of blunt smoke and celery stalks dipped in the dust at the bottom of Doritos bags. Then he tweeted that Bill Cosby was innocent. Then he released the “Famous” video with celebrities in bed together, including Cosby (Rule #2: If you’re riding for Bill Cosby, you might be a fuckboy). Then he kept going on pro-Trump rants (which, I will stand behind his right to do so. I’ve seen Beyonce stop a concert for her lukewarm, milquetoast platitudes, and I’d rather hear Kanye’s any day) and ended the year in the lobby of Trump Tower posing with Trump like a captured runaway in 1853 showing the bravery and courage of the fugitive slave hunters.
I know everyone with no medical or psychological training wants to attribute his craziness to the death of his mother almost 10 years ago, but maybe we are all wrong. Maybe we say ‘Kanye acts like this around the Holidays” because we don’t want to face the fact that he does ignorant shit all year round. Perhaps our amateur, non-medical diagnoses are placebos to hide the fact that Kanye might be a musical genius and an idiot. He might be an attention whore and a flawless producer. Kanye might be the last in the line of musical prototypes in the vein of Beethoven, Miles Davis, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder and Prince.
But he’s definitely a fuckboy, too.