By Sonny Gillespie
We periodically invite NegusWhoRead’s resident life coach, comedian, professor and all-around “real Negus,” Sonny G, to give seminars on real life problems. Today he offers a lecture on how our non-melanated friends can hide their racism.
Listen white folks. I know a lot of you are more clueless than actually racist, and being called a racist hurts you to the bone. In the interest of helping you out here are some things you can do that will automatically get you universal non-racist status, no matter what ignorant asinine thing you may mistakenly do or say.
1. Learn a black line dance in its entirety – Now you must perform it to its corresponding song. Nothing destabilizes the notion that you dislike black people better than Jeff from accounting knowing how to Cha Cha Slide or Bunny Hop. Bonus points if he can improvise a dance move and still keep beat. It makes Jeff look cool to his negro co-workers and makes Tim jealous when Jeff gets the full black “dap” when you see him at the water cooler while his buddies get firm handshakes… You’re not on Jeff’s level Tim. You better learn to “Wobble.”
2. Have a hip hop knowledge You must go beyond Will Smith, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg and Tupac – yes we admire that you know “Toss it Up” and “Summertime” but even Billy Joe Ray Ray recites “Gin and Juice” on his way to his Knights of White Dominance meetings. If you really wanna impress black folk take a cue from Mark Arum of Atlanta’s Channel 2 Action New Traffic Team.
Mark recited Phife lyrics while reporting accidents on 285. Even if you can’t do that, be like the chick in the supermarket who spit Busta Rhymes verse from “Look At Me Now” verbatim and at cadence. That’s how you get invited to the cookout.
3. DO NOT be a Republican – I know, I know, but listen if you could just… pretend your political leanings are not aligned with the party of Nixon, Reagan, Bush, Bush, and Trump. Even if you don’t really vibe with Democrats. Just say, “Politics are bullshit.” Say that you vote independent. Hell, act like you’re a felon who’s not allowed to vote. Anything but tell us you’re a Republican. Even if you meet a Black Republican, please don’t tell him you’re a Republican. Chances are your common ground with him will only make you doubly racist to us. There’s only one thing that turns off black people faster than a Republican:
A Black Republican.
4. Watch “Roots” at least once – I can’t stress this one enough. You can even take the White guilt out of watching it and just consider it required cultural viewing. Kinda like how we’ve all watched “A Christmas Story” at least once. We feel Ralphie’s struggle, now it’s time you to feel Kunta’s. But please don’t lie about viewing it. You have to actually sit down and watch it. You know what will happen if you lie:
We’ll shoot your eye out.
5. Use “Nigga” appropriately – Ok, take a deep breath. This one is tricky and might get you killed BUT it is the “I-actually-beat-Mike-Tyson’s-Punchout” of racial harmony if it’s done right. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you the right time or place, you’ll have to feel it in your soul possibly without the influence of alcohol (weed doesn’t help your chances but it doesn’t hurt them like alcohol does) and know both your crowd AND when you’re cool enough to use it. I would suggest steps 1-3 in a gradual succession first. Also know when it’s actually relevant to the conversation. Just throwing it out because you think you’re cool is a guaranteed ass whipping. I know a lot of black folk are mad I’m even telling you this, but many (if not most) of us have one “Justin” in our circle who has full “n-word privileges”. (*Editor’s note: I don’t.) He’s usually met our momma so that might help too. Just don’t use it around our momma. For the love of GOD Justin don’t use it in front of momma. You know what will happen:
She’ll shoot your eye out…
Then beat you like Kunta.