A few years ago the collective internet put their brains together using a system of forensic historiography to determine the actual date of Ice Cube’s seminal hit “It Was a Good Day.” Using similar techniques, we have determined the actual date that Presidential candidate and mythical anti-Mexican wall-builder a Donald J. Trump refers to when he says he wants to “Make America Great Again.”
Most people would wrongly assign the time of Trump’s “Great America” to a period somewhere during the 1980’s. After all, the official Republican party platform requires each GOP candidate to perform figurative fellatio on the memory of the conservative messiah – Ronald Reagan. But, whenever anyone removes the Gipper’s dead dick from their mouth long enough to wade through the actual facts of the Reagan’s presidential term (high unemployment,a terrible economy, Iran-Contra, the beginning of the crack epidemic and the drug war, etc.) they begin to see that the 80’s weren’t as terrific as you’d think they were. Plus, the decade that gave birth to Milli Vanilli and the mullet can’t be great, by definition.
So if it wasn’t during the reign of the Tea Party Jesus, exactly when was America at her greatest?
The evidence leads us to a date somewhere during the 1950’s. Donald Trump would have loved the 1950’s. White people still made the best music, women were demure enough to never leave the house when bleeding out of their “whatever,” and the idea of a negro President was as science fiction as the magical box that sits on top of your desk and delivers mail and movies of naked people. Impossible.
The adults of this era were born in the late 1920’s after the “great War.” They lived through the “Great” Depression and would later be referred to as “The Greatest Generation.” Apparently, before the rise of “the Donald,” anything better than good was limited to that single adjective. If anyone can believe that Donald Trump has ever read a book in his life that didn’t have his face on the cover, you would have to assume the decade of the 1950’s is the “great” time of which he speaks. That’s just fucking science.
Once we narrowed it down to the decade of the ’50’s, it was obvious that the U.S. couldn’t have possibly been great before January 20, 1953 – the final day of the presidency of populist Democrat Harry S Truman. One might think that Trump might have an affinity for Truman because — like the balding bloviator — Truman, “bombed the shit” out of America’s enemies in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. However, like someone-else-we-all-know, Harry never produced a birth certificate — even when questioned about the “S” in his middle name. Furthermore, most historians agree that the reason Truman didn’t get a third term was because he was very “low-energy.”
In 1954, America was at her Trump-tastic greatest. The Helene Curtis firm was making millions off of it’s newest product – an aerosol hairspray. Before this year, Trump’s gravity-defying combover was only an impossible dream. The country was done with the Korea conflict, was a few years away from Vietnam and had not yet added any non-white states. The US was “winning” against Mexico and China, and the rest of the world knew their places. Especially the Blacks.
In a 1991 tell-all, a former Trump executive (whose book King Combover said is “probably true”) recounts Trump complaining that he preferred Jews counting his money instead of “the blacks.” America was so great back then that Donald wouldn’t have had to worry about the two federal lawsuit filed against his company for trying to prevent Blacks from living in his apartments. The Donald also once lamented to Bryant Gumbel about the advantages of being “a well-educated black.” This wouldn’t have been a problem in early 1954, because… you know…segregation.
Yes, it was a glorious year for the sensibilities of America’s orange-skinned billionaires heir. The unemployment rate was 2.9%, Univision had not yet been created and a concerned American senator by the name of McCarthy was trying to make America safe again by rooting out the dangerous people, just like Donald proposes we do with mosques.
Then came that fateful day.
Early in the morning of May 17th 1954, teams of federal agents began to round up Mexicans who had illegally entered the US. They dropped some off in the middle of the desert, while others were separated from their families and abandoned without food or water. It was called “Operation Wetback” and Mexico paid for part of it! If you’re Donald Trump I’m sure your penis is getting a little tumescent just reading this tale of American exceptionalism, but it wouldn’t last.
Late in the afternoon of that same day The US Supreme Court outlawed segregation in public schools with the Brown vs Board of Education ruling, which — according to the Trump metrics — made America a little less greater than it was on August 16th. From there America would slide into a slow decline. A few months later Rosa Parks would board a bus and start trouble for “The Blacks” and everyone would start to pile on Joseph McCarthy for trying to make sure America was safe from all the other troublemakers. Operation Wetback would end in 1962, and a few months later, the birth of another Rosa would be the final nail in the coffin of Sir Scowl-a-lot’s “great America” — Trump’s arch-nemesis Rosie O’Donnell. It would all be shit from there.
But for a few hours, during the morning of May 17, 1954 this country was at her bright and shining best. The mythical Mexican rapists were being rounded up and left in the desert to die, when little colored boys ventured out of their separate but equal spaces they were stomped to death, and if a woman asked a question during a debate, you could legally smack her until there was blood coming out of her eyes, or whatever.
Donald Trump wants to take America there. Again.
Wouldn’t that be great.