I don’t like to reveal personal messages, but I received a troubling phone call from comedian BStuc a few days ago when he reached out to me in his hour of need. He asked me:
“What does it mean if J. Cole’s music make me sleepy?”
I like J. Cole
I really like J. Cole.
He’s not my favorite rapper, or anything, but when he comes on, I don’t hit the “next” button, which is more than say for 84.253% of the people in hip hop. Most of the time I hear a Cole song, I can groove to it, because I like lyrical content. In my personal hip hop hierarchy of current artists, I put him somewhere between Drake and Kendrick Lamar, which is pretty high.
But his fans.
If you want to tell a J. Cole fan, allow me to give you a quick primer. First of all, they will be wearing Jordans and sweatpants. I don’t like to stereotype, because it is the precursor to prejudice and hate, so I won’t paint with such a broad brush. Ok, they won’t all be wearing Jordans. Sometimes they wear Nikes and I once saw a J Cole stan wearing Yeezy Boosts. I didn’t know they were Yeezy Boosts, of course, but he was a J Cole fan, so he told me, “you know these are the Yeezy Boosts.” When I looked apoplectic because I didn’t know what the fuck a “Yeezy Boost” was (I honestly thought it was a new character on Sesame Street or the level of speed past hyperdrive in the newest Star Wars movie) he looked disgusted with me. Also, they will have on Beats headphones. Always Beats.
There are only three people with fan bases more annoying than J. Cole fans:
As annoying as J. Cole’s fans are, there is one group exactly like them:
Trump voters. Here’s how:
They Think He’s Smarter Than He Really Is I only judge rappers by their lyrics, and J. Cole is a good lyricist, but according to Cole followers he’s one of the greatest of all time. This is because–like Trump voters–Cole stans aren’t that smart.
J. Cole is dope. But he’s average-level dope. There are rappers like Lupe Fiasco, and M.F. Doom whose lyrics are so twisted in metaphor, analogy and obscure pop culture references that you have to actually read books to get the intricately nuanced meaning of some of the rhymes. But J. Cole is lyrically a Michael Baisden novel. Niggas who take first year-college precalculus classes and call themselves “mathematicians” listen to J. Cole. J. Cole stans are like Hoteps who watch Youtube videos and read “The Isis Papers” and try to tell you about the Illuminati. J. Cole is aight. He’s good enough to make people with mediocre vocabularies gasp in awe at his wordplay.
Just like Trump voters. You can’t tell a Donald-ite that Trump isn’t a genius, because–according to Trump–he knows “all the best words.” It’s not just rednecks from Georgia, either. Y. P. Pull equate financial success with intelligence and ability, and according to then, Donald Trump couldn’t have achieved the level of fame and success that he’s gained without being smart. They forget the part about white privilege and having a daddy give you millions of dollars that would be worth about the same if Donald had simply invested it in the stock market. He didn’t build an empire, he held on to an inheritance with a combination of con-man hucksterism and bullshitting corny white people.
You just follow the Mainstream Media J. Coleans really believe that Cole is still an underground artist. If you say anything negative about Cole–like how you find For Your Eyes Only marginally acceptable, or how his choruses always sound like he meticulously crafted the songs’ lyrics, but just before they shipped the album he realized “oh shit! We need some hooks for these songs”– then they will accuse you of being part of the public who only likes what the “radio machine” feeds them. Plus, his best stuff is on his mixtapes, and you only buy the iTunes stuff, so you don’t know. Plus… yo mama!
Like Trump voters always believe anything negative about him is a lie by the “mainstream media.” Even when every candidate before him releases their taxes, they think the call for him to release his returns is a plot by the liberal media. When he loses a debate, or the popular vote in the election, Trumpers say it is just more nonsense from the left. I have come to the conclusion that facts no longer matter to Republicans or Democrats. Everyone lives in a self-affirming echo-chamber devoid of facts, statistical evidence and reality. Democrats don’t believe Bill Clinton assaulted women, and neither do Trump voters, despite the equal evidence on both sides. There’s one thing we all agree on, though:
After listening to Trump suggest to Billy Bush that he sexually assault women as a way of introducing himself–when it comes to Donald or J. Cole, their best stuff is on the underground tapes.
He Went Platinum With No Features I really don’t know what this means. I just know it means something because Cole stans always bring it up, like he turned water into wine. I bet Jesus only took, like 3 steps, when he got out of the boat and walked on water. He probably fed 43 people with two fish and five loaves of bread–which is a great feat in and of itself–but you know how disciple niggas exaggerate. Just like the hillbillies who believe Donald Trump found two quarters and a nickel when he was six years old and used it to build a multibillion-dollar empire.
In fact, I have a theory that Donald Trump is actually broke. I believe all of his businesses lose money, which is why he won’t release his taxes or put his businesses in a blind trust. A few years ago, Trump sued New York Times financial reporter Tim O’Brien over his book Trump Nation: The Art of Being The Donald because after extensive research, he determined Trump wasn’t even worth 200 million dollars–far lower than the billions Donald claimed. O’Brien won in court, but you couldn’t get a Trump voter to believe that.
Just like you can’t convince a J Cole devotee that going platinum without a feature means something. You know who else went platinum without a feature? Basically every rapper I listened to growing up. The Beastie Boys, LL Cool J, Wu Tang–none of them had features. I don’t even know why it is a big deal that Cole had no features, and locked himself in a basement and created music. That’s basically what every artist from Prince to Stevie Wonder has always done. Why am I supposed to give J. Cole a cookie? It’s not like people buy albums because of who’s featured on it, anyway. But they keep blowing it up until it became a really big deal.
But years from now, our future generations can be sure of three things:
Jesus fed a multitude with 3 fish and 5 loaves of bread.
J. Cole went quadruple platinum with no features.
Donald Trump, the smartest man who ever lived and the richest man in the world became the first five-time U.S. President.
And after America collapsed because of terrible leadership by an orange-faced despot who went around grabbing pussies and insulting other world leaders until North Korea said “fuck Donald” and released their arsenal of nuclear weaponry on us, all they found was the charred remains of US citizens wearing sweat pants, identifiable only because there was one part of their bodies that weren’t covered. Their ears were protected by headphones bumping J. Cole’s greatest hits.