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Lochte-ed: A Brief History of America According to the Lochtes

By Michael Harriot

Last week the demographic from where America gets its Nielsen ratings and definition of the color “nude” guffawed while simultaneously clutching their pearls when swimmer Ryan Lochte revealed that he had Willie Hortoned the entire country of Brazil. The rest of us were collectively nonplussed at the revelation that a white guy said some bad stuff aboutBrown people, because–frankly, the beached blonde male bimbo that is Ryan Lochte is America. That Lochte used the Olympics to become an extended metaphor for everything that is America is the definition of irony. Like America, he used to be great, but now he’s just a middle-of-the-road perpetual silver medalist who goes into other countries, pisses over everything, destroys their stuff and then blames it on the Brown people who live there. By the time anyone realizes what he did, he’s safe at home leaving the people he was supposed to be “down” with to clean up his mess.

Most people aren’t aware that Ryan Lochte comes from a long lineage of people who rewrote history to fit their cause. In fact, in the late 1800’s a history researcher at the University of Making Shit Up coined the phrase “Lochte’d” to explain how lying motherfuckers changed history to fit the narrative that Black and Brown people are the boogeyman causes of everything wrong in America. The research staff NegusWhoRead has unearthed thousands of never-before seen documents, letters, and primary sources that show how Ryan Lochte and his ancestors have Lochte-ed some of America’s most iconic historical moments:

The Mid-Atlantic Slave Trade according to a letter from Jebediah Lochte (c. 1732): 

Dearest Susan,

I write to you to describe the incidents that happened to me and the crew of my vessel The Kidnapper on the dark continent. Upon landing on the coast of West Africa, we were immediately surrounded by local savages who put spears to our necks. Although we could not understand the languages, we understood that they were telling us that we were under their control. They dragged us back to their village where we witnessed them do native African dances to primitive drum music. Our translator Benjamin informed us that the dance was from a West African tradition called the Electric Slide. Although we have no idea what this thing called “electricity” is, we surmised that it has something to do with kicking, turning, and something they refer to as “Boogie Woogie.” Although we did not know this dance, we had to move, because it made us feel right. We had to groove, because from this party we just couldn’t hide.

Immediately after the ceremony, they put the spears back to our necks and made us put them in chains in the belly of our ship and forced us to bring them back to America. We had no choice. It is apparent that they want to be slaves. As such, we are bringing them back to Virginia because of their desire to be sold as chattel. If anyone tells you that what we are doing is wrong, feel free to show them this letter. After we bring them, we are going to return to bring some more back–not because we think this could be a lucrative enterprise and the free labor could make America a global superpower. We are doing it because they want us to do it. Trust me.

Plus, we have to return to pick up Benjamin. Once he saw the roundness of their women’s buttocks, he mysteriously said “Y’all go back. I’mma stay here for a while.”

I told you–that Benjamin Kardashian is quite a character.

The Bombing of  Tulsa Oklahoma according to a speech by Brian Lochte (c. 1921)

Gentlemen, I have gathered you here today to talk about the negroes in Tulsa. I don’t know if you were aware, but I visited the area they call “Black Wall Street” yesterday, and found it to be astonishing. They are doing far better than us! Possibly because every dollar circulates 30 – 100 times in their community before it leaves. The entire state of Oklahoma has only two airports but there are six Black families in Tulsa who own their own planes. Six! Apparently negroes are over there learning complex geometry, math and teaching each other how to fly aircraft. They have built a Black-owned transportation system and the average wage is twice our average white wage.

Now, as I was checking this all out, a Black man came up to me, put a gun to my head and told me that they are building an army to come over here and take over all of our stuff. I swear!

Forget going over there and talking to them, because they are just going to deny it. Trust me, I’m telling you the truth! Remember when I told y’all about what that boy Emmitt Till was planning to do with our women?  Well they are at it again. We have to do something! As a matter of fact, I think we should bomb them. Now I know most of us have no munitions training and half of us only got past the third grade, but no one will ever know. We’ll just say they started a race riot by stepping on a white man’s shadow or daring to look a white woman in the eyes. It’s 1921, and we are in Oklahoma, you know how we do.

Just ask the Indians. They’ll tell you.

A Letter to the Editor of the Selma Times-Journal from Lester Lochte (c. 1965)

Citizens of Selma;

I have become privy to the communications of a group of communist agitators who call themselves the Southern Christian Leadership Conference. Trust me, they are neither Christians nor leaders. From what my sources tell me, they have contacted a man by the name of Martin Luther King, and they are organizing an attack on the White citizens of Selma. It is up to us to stop them.

This all started because they are mad because we won’t allow them to vote, but as we all know, if we allow negroes the right to vote, the next thing you know they will insist that they have the right to rape our wives and murder our babies. They didn’t say this explicitly, but we should all assume that this is their plan, because… well… to be honest… this is what we did to them, so of course they will want to do it to our people.

Their plan is as follows: They have hidden a cache of weapons underneath the Edmund Pettus Bridge. Next week, on Sunday, while we are in our churches praying to White Jesus, they are going to walk over to the bridge, get their weapons, and come back to attack us. We must stop them. 

I have contacted the governor and the head of the Alabama State Troopers, and they are willing to help us. I told him about their weapons, so you might want to protect your family by arming yourselves with sticks, guns, baseball bats or whatever.

I know my family has been caught telling some untruths in the past, and some of you even refer to us as the “Lyin’ Lochtes” but I am raising my sons and grandchildren to tell the truth at all times.

As a matter of fact, I swear this is true on all my unborn grandchildren. If this is a lie, may they all grow up to be air-brained liars who do something useless in the eyes of society…

Like swimming.

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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