By Kyla Lacey
Baby Hair – (n.) The fine, silky soft hair around the edges of the hairline that can only be contained by greasing them down or through a complex mixture of chemicals and patience.
Baby hair is only found on the tenderest of heads, and while everyone has edges (until they lose them in an unfortunate butane lighter accident or from years of going to the African braid shop) only a select few men who were blessed with “good hair” have baby hair, and even fewer are blessed with headfulls of baby hair. Today we examine the greatest of these.
First of all, let’s talk about how Marques Houston is the most versatile dude in the game. He went from Batman to Roger to a blossoming young lady on a Just For Me box. He can do it all, and I promise you, I’m here for it!!! His baby hair had no limits whatsoever, his baby made the impossible possible, like for instance, this:
Your whole life has changed since you saw Elgin’s fine ass asking you to ride his pony, and even though the songs were great, the baby hair was even better. The baby hair said, “come hither lady, we’ve got babies to make,” and you’re all like, “uh huh, yes, I’m so anxious to do anything you wish, oh fair haired one.” Eight children later its charm is undeniable.
Chris Brown proved that these fros ain’t loyal. Excuse me mister, but how did you manage to change your hair texture, not once, but twice? Plus, he give us frontal and neck side baby hair, respectively???? Heck, Chris straight up changed his whole race! He is no longer doing it for the people, he’s now doing it for La Raza! He is one of the few people on earth who can do the Cha Cha Cha and the Cha Cha slide! Yung Joc pay attention, this is how it’s actually supposed to go down!
Lloyd wanted you to know she’s fine too, but not as fine as the hairs that are lying on the side of his face. Lloyd will forever be the king of “he must got some Indian in him or something!” Lloyd looked like the type that would make love to a woman slowly–because he didn’t want his scarf to come off during the act. Lloyd didn’t just have baby hair, his hair was breastfed, burped, and put to sleep right there on his temples hunty! Decatur–where it’s pro-styl gel.
El Debarge and his baby hair are two of the most pivotal reasons that light-skinned men are still in style (you know before we realized that they ruined lives.) El Debarge had baby hair with bang, (or ‘banging baby hair’ as I like to call it). He made you fall in love with him and his hair in one fell swoop. Literally. He was giving us all kinds of rhythm of the night sweats and a tight bonnet still don’t affect this perfect coiffure chile!!! We can only hope that his marriage to Janet Jackson really did prove fruitful and there is some love child out there, bearing both their resemblances, who uses edge CONTROLLLLLL! (You might think I’m crazy but I’m serious).
Bone, Bone, BONE, bone bone! Straight or curly it didn’t matter. Not only did you have to rap incredibly fast, but your hair had to grow incredibly fast to be in this group. These guys had fabulous hair and weren’t afraid to show you that their masculinity wasn’t fragile either. They had long flowing hair, could harmonize a rap song (take that Drake) and still weren’t afraid to get emotional over their uncle Charles, y’all. And we slay and we slay and we slay, everyday everyday everyday.
Little Bow Wow
When Lil Bow Wow, (excuse me) Bow Wow, (excuse me) Shad, burst on the scene he was giving us all kinds of sandy brown haired, “what color hair dye do you use?” “oh no, this isn’t hair dye, I’m not black, I’m mixed,” (side eye) “awwwww-he’s-adorable-now-but-will-annoy-the-shit-out-of-us-in-fifteen-years,” perfection . He didn’t even need sleek sides to have baby hair, he was just a baby with a whole bunch of hair! One minute it was in the most amazing cornrows and then he would switch it up and rock a ponytail that left him looking like your pretty little sister who you had to explain to people was actually your brother, sorry little bow wow they just didn’t know!
Prince gave us all kinds of purple rain and pink lotion greatness. There are just too many instances of the purple one’s fabulousity to even recount. Hell, this man’s mustache even had baby hair, HIS MUSTACHE!! They don’t make them like they used to… Rest In Purple Mr. Nelson.
Colin is giving us revolutionary ass baby hair. The silent protesting, but refusing to be unjustly slicked down baby hair, only briefly lying down to take a sweet sweaty respite from throwing touchdowns and fighting tirelessly to end oppression. He wants you to know that his baby hair comes with an afro, and when it is time to get in formation, he’s like “skkkrrrrrrrrrr,” and for that we salute him!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Real and Chance
Chance’s baby hair almost distracted you long enough to forget about his big ass gap and the fact that he was an absolute fool, but Real’s baby hair in its ethereal lusciousness made your soul just quiet for a minute. “How is it that your whole entire head is made up of baby hair?!?!?!?! How does one accomplish that?!?!?! HOW SWAY?!?!” He gave us the “what kinda products you use in yo hur,” baby hair. Honestly, I think they were mixed with horse, hence why they called themselves The Stallionaires. Sadly, Real lost his battle with cancer earlier last year, but may the memories of him and his sweet feathery locks, and his ability to wear his hair as a scarf around his neck, and kiss a very special looking woman, right after his brother did, live on forever.
S-N double O -P-D-O double Jazeeeee, has been giving yo mama a run for her money since the early 90s. She doesn’t hate Snoop because of his rap lyrics, no, she hates him because she went to the salon and had to wait an extra hour because Snoop was in there getting his life and giving us life. You see this before and after! Because if we have learned nothing from Snoop, we’ve learned, “we don’t love dem hoes,” so it’s that much more important to look prettier than them. When it was finally your mom’s turn, she still walked out the salon looking just a rough as she did going in. He however, has been snatching our edges with his unapologetic bonnet and silk scarf black mama steez for quite some time now. Now go and hand Snoop the remote and stop breathing so damn loud!!!
Jamie Foxx (in the Soloist)
Now, we all know that Jamie doesn’t really have that sophisticated of a hairline, he may not think we know, but oh trust we know. However, I want to shout out the weave gawds who made this here thingy possible. Do you see the curl-up right down the middle though?!?!?!? LIKE DO YOU??!?!!? That’s nothing but Jesus and genius right there, that’s nothing but a little faith and Einstein. They made that man look raggedy as all get out, but still had him looking like your favorite grandma at the same damn time. He is giving us all kinds of “get yo ass in this bed, til yo mama come back… even though it’s only 7pm and you’re 30 years old.”
He did not come to play with you heaux!!! He came to slay bitch, and that might actually be why he’s wearing the outfit he’s dressed in. He may actually have slayed someone. He is giving us all kinds of half toothbrush dipped in gel and half shank dipped in blood amazingness. That finger wave technique had to take some serious time and I’m sure he probably has a little on his hands. He is giving us life……… with a chance of parole in 20 years.
And this guy too
I don’t know who this guy is or whose hair that is, but I’m not going to write anything bad, just in case I ever encounter him and he read this and refuses to give me amazingly precise baby hair tips that I may need in order to step my game up to the next level.
YOU DOIN’ WRONG if you don’t think that the gloved one’s baby hair wasn’t the best ever. He gave you good bay hair, he gave you B.A.D. baby hair, he gave you thrilling baby hair, he gave you “that’s not my baby…hair!!” Do you remember the time you had to leave your 9-5 up on the shelf early and head out to the salon to get like Mike?!??! Do you remember girl?!?!?!! He was the King of Poppin ass edges! When he was talking to the man in the mirror, he reminded him to make sure those edges were on fleek before he stepped out on stage. You have to think about the precision that is involved in having your hair flow through the wind but yet your edges stay laid out like a fainted fan at a sold out concert somewhere in an Eastern European city no one can pronounce, while simultaneously grabbing your crotch, and belting out tune after tune after tune for said fainting fans. He gave us a whole lifetime of baby hair greatness, and let nary a Pepsi get in his slay. Mama SLAY mama sa mamacusa.
Honorable Mention: Justin Timberlake
He gets an honorable mention, cause you know he wants one. Plus, he did write “Mirrors,” and for that we may have to let SOME of his transgressions slide. He also is the Prince of Pop, you know seeing as he was the King of Pop’s heir… he was the one they call cover or duvet or something right? Anywho, I wonder why his hair doesn’t curl up anymore? In fact I don’t think it has been curly since he exposed Janet Jackson’s titty. Hmmmmm…