NegusWhoRead
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Motherfuckers, Ranked

It was 786 years ago, on July 27th 1230 AD, in the small coastal village of Suplex, when (as history tells it) Sir Willister Updyke arrived home early from a hard day hunting boar and happened upon Ian McForest with his wife in a compromising position (which, most historians agree, was either missionary or doggy style, as these were the only sexual positions practiced before “The Great Freaky Deaky Revolution of 1369). When Updyke confessed to running his sword through McForest, he was pardoned, because, as the legend I just made up states, “Updyke had performed a deed to society and his community, ridding it of a scoundrel, a rogue and a heinous fucker of mothers.” Since that day, until 1938, English common law excused any man who assaulted someone for defiling his wife, but only if the besmirched wife has borne children. They called the “motherfucker exception.” Thus was born the greatest word of all time.

Let’s make one thing clear; The greatest word in the history of human language is “motherfucker.”

In fact, as a people who were stolen from our land, ripped apart from our heritage, history and culture, raped, beaten, had every bit of godlike soul essence sucked out of us, commodified and reappropriated for profit, there are only have 3 bright spots in the centuries-long American oppression vacation:

  • The deliciousness of Krispy Kreme Donuts
  • The beauty of sweater dresses
  • The language foisted upon us by our kidnappers contains the word “motherfucker.”

That’s it.

While we have neither the time nor the bandwidth to dissect the word into the infinite number of ways we use this swiss-army-knife of words, here at NegusWhoRead we are old school, and as such, we celebrate the word in its traditional part of speech. So on this auspicious day, the birth date of the greatest noun in the English lexicon, we present the top 4 motherfuckers of all time.

4. Stupid Motherfuckers: When ranking the disparate groups of motherfuckers, the stupid ones are the largest group. They are spread across the globe, and there is no place one can go to escape stupid motherfuckers. In fact, the Obama administration considered adding it as a category in the next census, because stupidity transcends the hierarchy of race and gender, but alas, the plan will probably never be fulfilled because part of President Trump’s plan and the Republican platform explicitly states that he will outlaw all numbers that exceed four digits. America has one of the highest per capita population of stupid motherfuckers, because…. Florida. I know you’re wondering why I pick on Florida, but a state where it 17-year olds get shot in the face because they wear hoodies in the rain or parents let babies play in alligator pits must have one of the highest ratios of stupid motherfuckers per 1,000 people in the world. Plus, you don’t have to worry about them getting offended. They’re not reading this.

Examples Stupid motherfuckers include: The white people who don’t believe bears won’t fuck them up if they talk to it in a baby voice. This lady. Porsha Stewart, who thought the underground railroad was a train line. All the idiots who wait in long lines, let the cashier ring up their groceries, and then, and only then do they pull out their wallets. Dudes who brag about their sex game. People who believe there are NO bad or racist policemen.

3. Cool-Ass Motherfuckers – Do not be confused. Cool ass motherfuckers are different from cool motherfuckers. “Cool motherfuckers” have 3 pair of Jordans when they are in the 3rd grade and their parents give them a car their freshman year of high school, but Cool ass motherfuckers will let you sleep on their couch and know acoustic guitar versions of songs you like. All cool-ass motherfuckers play the guitar. It’s required. If you look in the course selection handbooks for C.A.M., it clearly states that guitar lessons are a prerequisite for graduation, along with a course in facial hair/hat combinations. Cool-ass motherfuckers always have a perfect hat-to-facial hair match. Like a Yankees cap and a full beard. Or a Kangol and a goatee. Or the white guys who wear skull caps in the summertime and a 5 o’clock shadow. As a matter of fact, some of the more preeminent cool ass motherfuckers of our time are white, and they always have a scruffy 5  o’clock shadow.

Unlike stupid motherfuckers, there are no statistics that place them in this category, you just know. But, to be placed in the pantheon of cool-ass motherfuckers requires double confirmation. As a matter of fact, I am currently trying to get my C.A.M. credentials in place, so can you do me a favor? If anyone asks if you know Michael Harriot, could you simply reply with:

“Yeah. That’s a cool-ass motherfucker.”

Thanks, man.

Examples: Leslie Jones, but not Leslie StahlWoody Harrelson but not Woody Allen. Leonardo DiCaprio, Leonardo Davinci, but NOT Leonardo the ninja turtle. Dick Gregory but not Greg from accounting. Sandra from 227 and Sandra Bland. Brad Pitt, but no other motherfucker named Brad.

2. Bad Motherfuckers Bad Motherfuckers rank one step higher on the totem pole than cool-ass motherfuckers. When Serena Williams makes the most talented and highest paid female athletes in the world look like bumbling idiots, she’s a bad motherfucker. When she twerked in Beyoncé’s “Sorry” video, she was a bad motherfucker who backed that ass up. The guy who jumped out of a crashing helicopter, infiltrated a Pakistani compound and shot Bin Laden in the head was a bad motherfucker. The person who thinks we believe a guy jumped out of a crashing helicopter, infiltrated a Pakistani compound and shot Bin Laden in the head… then threw the body into the ocean, is a stupid motherfucker.

America loves bad motherfuckers. To become an American hero, you must be bad motherfucker first. George Washington was a bad motherfucker. Chuck Norris is a bad motherfucker. Neil Armstrong. If you’re black, however and wish to become an American hero, you should understand that you will first be placed in the category of  “bad.” Then “motherfucker.” Then dead. Then “bad motherfucker.”

Examples: Malcolm X. Harriet Tubman. Cinque. And the baddest motherfucker of all time–Muhammad Ali.

1. Muhfuccas The top category on the motherfucker totem pole is just like fatback, the word “nigga” and every historical tool used against Black people: We took it and turned it into something cool. What the devil meant for bad…

In fact, if you are “my muhfucca,” you have exceed the outer limits of being “my nigga.” My nigga is an acquaintance. My muhfucca is my friend. 

That’s why this picture of Jay-Z and Beyonce is the greatest thing ever. It is the debunker of all the “Lemonade” conspiracy theories. It is so vidid you can hear the conversation that led to the photo:

Jay: Oooh, you killin ’em today Bey!
Beyoncé: I know. We call it “slay” now, though. Take my pic real quick.
Jay: OK, but you gotta lean in that shit though.
Bey: Like this?
Jay: Yeah, boo. Lemme get one more for the ‘gram.
Bey: Ok. That’s why you my muhfucca

Stupid motherfuckers might make fun of him, but cool-ass motherfuckers know–when your girl is killing it, stunt hard. Everyone needs a homeboy who will ride with them when it’s time to fight, or a homegirl who will tell your ex boyfriend that you are out with your new boyfriend, even though you’re at home crying, eating ice cream and McDonald’s fries watching I-hate-that-nigga movies on Lifetime. Being a true muhfucca requires unshakeable loyalty and sacrifice. Like the Dionne Warwick song says–that’s what muhfuccas are for. If you have two friends in a lifetime, you have done well. If you have more than two, consider yourself blessed…

But all you need is one muhfucca.

Examples: Tonto. Robin. Pepa. Hutch. Papoose. Memphis Bleek.

Happy birthday to the greatest word of all time. Please don’t forget to recommend me for the 2016 class of Cool-ass motherfuckers if anyone asks.

Thanks.

That’s why you’re my muhfucca.

 

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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