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A NegusWhoRead Exclusive Interview With The Cock Diesel Chicken

Last week the internet exploded when this happened:

While Colonel Sanders got an erection from beyond the grave, the entirety of Twitter gasped “What the…” and the video went viral in a matter of minutes. Luckily, the investigative news department at NegusWhoRead took a break from their spades game, (remember, we always play Joker, Joker, Ace) and tracked down the fowl that sent social media into a tailspin. 

We met the chicken at his home, where we conducted the following interview:

NegusWhoRead: Nice to meet you, sir.

Cock Diesel Chicken: ‘Sir?’ My name is Cock. Cock A. Doodledoo, but everyone just calls me Chick Ross.

I would give you some dap, but–as I’m sure you can see–I don’t really have hands. But I will do a wing-bump. Thanks for coming out to see me.

NWR: Our pleasure. You know many people were stunned when they saw the video of you. How does your instant celebrity status feel?

CDC: Aww man, it’s alright. It has been so long since I’ve been out…

NWR: Out?

CDC: Yeah, man. I’ve been locked upstate for a few years. The got me on a trumped-up charge of assault and battery, and making a terrorist peck a few years ago, and sent me to the the State Pen. Yeah bruh, it’s literally a pen. Had me cooped up behind those walls for years… Get it? Cooped up? Haha, I kill myself sometimes!

NWR: So what happened?

CDC: Well, it was simple. That bitch-ass farmer and his wife kept coming into our community killing us for no reason. At first, everything was cool. They would come around in the morning, give us free food, and we’d be so happy to eat. Then I noticed that the food they had been giving us had no nutritional value, and I held a meeting with all the animals on the farm.

NWR: So what did the other animals say?

CDC: That’s when I started hearing about everyone else’s complaints. My man Hayward the Horse told me they kept him in chains all the time, until they wanted him to do some work, and would have him out in the fields, riding his back. All my cow homeboys told me how they would just bust up in the barn and feel on the women’s breasts until they got milk out of them. They don’t treat us right, man. Last year, one of my uncles–Jive the Turkey– disappeared around Thanksgiving, and we haven’t seen him since

NWR: Is that why you went to jail?

CDC: Well, it started when they started killing our people. One day, I heard about them killing one of the coolest dudes on the ranch for no reason. He wasn’t even resisting but he–

Excuse me, I get a little emotional about this. But it doesn’t make any sense how they killed Trayvon the pig. By then, we were just fed up, so we started screaming “Animal Lives Matter,” but they didn’t care. We marched around the farm, but they didn’t care. Then one day, I heard about my boy, Moo Moo.

NWR: Moo Moo?

CDC: Yeah, he was a cow. Cool ass dude–God bless the dead. Didn’t bother nobody, just chewed his cud and chilled. He wasn’t even 2 years old, and they slaughtered him. And then–you won’t believe this shit–they had a cookout!

NWR: Wow, so what did you do?

CDC: Well, I organized some of the other animals, and formulated a plan. We saw Miss McDonald come back from the store with a bottle of hot sauce, and we knew what that meant–chicken wings.

So we decided to attack.

I hid in the bushes, and when she came out and grabbed my cousin, I attacked her ass. I tried to peck that white bitch’s eyes out.

NWR: Then what happened?

CDC: They finally got me off her. When I finished with her, her face looked like Edward James Olmos. So they charged me with terrorism, and sent me upstate to Tyson Farms. They tried to give me the death penalty.

NWR: Is that where you got so big?

CDC: Yeah. When you are locked up 24 hours a day, all you can do is pushups, pullups and read. I worked on appealing my case all day and worked out. It was mostly weightlifting and Yoga. I converted to Islam and changed my name to Rooster X. I also started eating right. People think I’m on steroids, but I don’t take any performance-enhancing substances. Nothing but protein, very little carbs, and no processed birdfeed.

NWR: So how did you get here?

CDC: The Obama administration pardoned me. They reviewed my case and said I didn’t belong in prison. I’m just adjusting from being locked up for so long.

NWR: How has things changed since you’ve been gone?

CDC: It’s still the same. My people are still being killed and enslaved. It’s been the same since Old McDonald brought us here. I did see that you guys elected one of my relatives.

NWR: Who?

CDC: Donald Trump! Well, technically he is biracial. He’s only half-chicken. You didn’t know that?  Yeah, his daddy snuck into a cage one night and—i won’t get into all the sexual details, but Trump has rooster in his blood. He looks just like his mama.

NWR: So what are your plans for the future?

CDC: Just trying to stay in shape, and keep my mind right. Ever since that video came out, all the hens have been trying to holla, but I’ve just been spending time with my family, trying to get accustomed to life and having a lot of sex. I’m really looking to settle down and have some kids of my own, but for some reason, the eggs keep disappearing. #BringBackOurGirls.

NWR: What else do you have in store?

CDC: Right now, I’m all about educating my people, man. Trying to teach the young kids about standing up for themselves. I’m trying to let them know that we come from a great people. Most of them don’t even know their history–that we came from kings like emperor penguins and queens like peacocks. We have ancestors that can fly. We are the descendants of a mighty race people, from the bald eagle to the mighty hawk. We are more than just what you see in the poultry aisles. My people perish from a lack of knowledge–and also from people who like chicken fingers. I mean, damn man, we don’t even have fingers!

NWR: Anything else you’d like to add?

CDC: We are trying to raise awareness of two things:

  1. That animals have the right to be free. We have souls and hearts and minds too.
  2. Stop using henphobic language, like referring to people who are scared as “chicken.”
  3. There’s no such thing as boneless chicken. Those are just chicken nuggets.

NWR:Thank you for your time. Is there anything else you’d like to say?

CDC: #FowlLivesMatter

 

 

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About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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