By Michael Harriot
Scientists at the National Institute for Greater Global Awareness and the Physicians League for the Advancement of Science and Epidemics (N.I.G.G.A P.L.E.A.S.E) have issued a public health advisory about the spread of a new brain disorder called “NewNiggaMania.”
Although researchers have been aware of the illness for quite sometime, today it hit the public consciousness when rapper Lil’ Wayne proclaimed that he thought racism was over. No, he was not sipping on some sizzurp, he might be one of the latest victims of NewNiggaMania. Judge for yourself:
— UNDISPUTED (@undisputed) September 13, 2016
The main symptom of the illness is the onset of the delusional belief by the infected patient that he or she is living in a post-racial America where inequality and prejudice no longer exists. While this fantasy may seem outlandish to the uninfected, the malady consumes the brain functions so completely that the victim eventually lives in a perpetual hallucination inside a virtual world void of racism.
Researcher began documenting intermittent outbreaks of this condition years ago, but the cases were previously isolated among Caucasian populations. It was easily diagnosable by noting anyone displaying a confederate flag or a Donald Trump bumper sticker. Health officials allowed them to remain in the Caucasian community, seeing no need for quarantine as most of their fellow Whites were already infected, or—at worse—carriers of the disease. Lately, however, health officials noted that the disease has jumped over to the group described by superproducer Pharrell Williams as the “New Blacks.”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint the cause of the syndrome. Some believe NewNiggaMania is brought on by the bacteria known as “Obliviousness” while others point to the previously undetected “Sellout” virus. Further research is needed, but public should know that there are a few ways to prevent the disease from spreading. One of the most important ways to prevent this from becoming a full-blown epidemic is to notify officials as soon as you feel the onset of symptoms, which include:
- Unnatural urges: If you have a sudden desire to say the phrase “All Lives Matter,” lock yourself in your home and call a healthcare professional immediately
- Anger: If watching people sit down during the national anthem upsets you, or if you feel a twinge of annoyance when Black people start acting all free and shit.
- Proximity to contagious people: NewNiggaMania is highly contagious. We have found large outbreaks at Donald Trump rallies, and Detroit church services organized by Ben Carson. There have also been reports that every member of the Seattle Seahawks who linked arms were also infected. We are conducting tests inside their locker room, but we don’t have results back yet.
- Incongruous responses: We have noticed a troublesome trend of people who respond to any dialogue about social justice and police brutality with “well, what about Black-on-black-crime?” or “…but they were resisting.” There is also a prevalence of the disease among the group of people who blame Obama for everything. In fact, one of the key ways to identify someone who is infected is to complain about anything and watch the person’s response. If you say “I don’t like the new Future song because he sounds like he’s rapping with a mouthful of Rice Krispies,” and they respond with “It’s because Obama…” Run. They got that stuff.
- Vulnerable ppopulations. If you belong to any of these groups, you might want to go out and get tested just in case: Fox News watchers. Hotep niggas with White girlfriends. Police apologists. Carolina Panther quarterbacks. People who believe in the “free market economy.” Black guys with bad edge-ups. Macklemore fans. People who believe registering to vote is the solution to all Black problems. Republicans.
Fortunately there are ways to fight the disease. The key to stopping the spread of NewNiggaMania is vigilance. You must arm yourself with knowledge. If you don’t have any Black friends, you have to start hanging around with some like the parents who make their kids spend the night with someone who has the chicken pox. The more Black people in a group, the less likely NewNiggaMania can take hold. Read some books. Talk to people who have a different background than yourself.
Above all, we must keep our eyes open before this illness spreads to the children–in which case, all is lost. There are only three known cures for NewNiggaMania:
and a new vaccine we are working on that is in the infant stages of FDA approval, called ShutTheFuckUp.