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Nine Ways To Tell If Someone is “Country”

By Michael Harriot

I’m from “the country.”

If you read that sentence and responded with “I’m from the country of America, too,” then you’re probably not from the country. You’re probably not even Black.

Yes, the country is a place just like hailing from “the city” or “the suburbs” is a place. While there are nuanced differences between different groups of city-dwellers (people from Chicago are vastly different from people who grew up in Dallas) and 93% of all suburbanites are liars (Whenever anyone tells you they grew up in DC, they’re from Silver Springs. Everyone who claims Atlanta grew up in Stone Mountain and now live in Decatur) there are common characteristics to people who grew up in the country.

Today NegusWhoRead explains the differences between the two.

They’re more resourceful than city guys If you are a grown man who can’t change his oil, fix a leaky toilet or patch a hole in a piece of drywall, kill yourself (Not literally) If you date a man like this, you should make better life choices. Or at least make them wear a Kanye skirt. While city guys are worrying about not getting dirt on their Jordans, country dudes are taking out the trash and replacing alternators. What country bumpkins lack in pussy-eating skills, they make up for with the money you save on calling Triple-A to change a tire or hiring a plumber.

And no, I’m not saying city guys are better at cunnilingus…

They just don’t know how to lay pipe.

They use different measurements. If you are from the city you have to learn how to convert measurements from “country” to standard usage. For instance, the phrase “a lil bit” is used to denote distance, volume and time. When someone from Shorter, Al gives you directions and tell you to “go down the road a lil bit and make a right,” a lil bit is equivalent to 2.3 miles. Adding a “lil bit of sugar” to your corn bread recipe means adding .19 cups. Similarly, when someone tells you that they are on the way to your house and will be there “in a lil bit,” they mean exactly 23 minutes.

Other country measurements include after ‘while  as a unit of time, the estimated counting unit of “damn near” and the distance of alldeway.

They low-key think city people are stupid and lazy City guys will call an Uber to go to the grocery store across the street, while people from the country don’t think it’s worth cranking up the car for any distance less than 3 miles. I’m often offered rides while walking places that seem reasonably close distances. If you’re from the country you aren’t bothered by weather or  temperature. In the country, air conditioning is a luxury item and precipitation is a welcome event.

Country folk think it’s weird to see able-bodied people who pay dog-walkers or who call a tow-truck when they get a flat tire. Also, if you shop at Whole Foods and buy organic tomatoes that cost the same amount as the gross national product of some small African countries, we are laughing at you. First of all, those motherfuckers aren’t organic because our uncle Jimmy sells the same tomatoes to Wal-Mart and Sprouts. Secondly, for $3.53 and 11 minutes of tending to a garden every day, you could have a perpetual supply of those ‘maters.

They don’t waste money A person from the country can’t stand the thought of paying people to do certain things. I’m often shocked how many people are willing to pay someone to wash and vacuum their cars. Whenever I give someone money to cut my lawn I feel like my penis loses a quarter of an inch. There are many products I refuse to buy because I’m from the country, like pancake mix, Jiffy corn bread or macaroni and cheese in a box. They don’t save that much time or effort, and they are all infinitely better-tasting when they are made from scratch. Plus, whenever anyone stirs that semi-solid fake cheese into boiled macaroni noodles, I can hear the ancestors screaming.

I just started purchasing bottled water in 2013, and I only buy it for the reusable bottle. If you see me drinking Smartwater, its probably a bottle I bought two months ago and refill it with the same dumb-ass water I’ve always drank.

They aren’t politically correct If you ever want to hear what someone really thinks, ask someone from the country who wasn’t raised in an environment that restricted speech on the grounds that it may offend the dainty spirits of the oversensitive. When you live in a place where snakes, scorpions and coyotes are real, you tend not to care about which pronoun someone addresses you by. When I asked a friend who lived in Dellview, North Carolina if she supported her state’s transgender bathroom bill, she responded that she did, but not because of any progressive ideology. She just believes that anyone who opposes the bill must have never had to dookie really bad and had to wait for the women’s bathroom while the men’s room was empty.

They handle critters differently Suburban women scream and jump on the chair when they see a worm or a bug scurry across the floor. Backwoods girls will smack a mosquito between their palms and keep on making their biscuit dough. I’ve seen grown-ass men who are afraid of mice.

Mice!

Look, nigga, you can’t be telling me how hard you are and how real you keep it when I saw you squeal like a high soprano when you laid eyes on Speedy Gonzales or Mighty Mouse.

They eat strange shit Maybe it’s just strange to you. To some people chitlins are a delicacy (Not chitterlings. White people in Ohio eat “chitterlings.” “Chitlins” are only eaten in the country). It may seem strange to you to go into a store and see a jar of pickled pigs feet, but it is totally normal for us. You know what’s strange?

Gluten free corn bread.

That’s weird as fuck.

You don’t wanna fuck over a country girl. You should try not to mess over any woman, because a city girl might call her brothers and cousins to handle you. But trust me, you don’t want to fuck over a girl from the country. When I was in college I rode to the video store with two friends, one from Sylacauga, Alabama and the other from Pritchard. One of them asked me to reach in her purse for her video card, and when I asked why she had a pink, pearl-handled .25 automatic in her purse, the other one squealed, pulled hers out and exclaimed, “oooh, yours is just like mine!”

I felt sorry for their ex boyfriends.

They Don’t Give a Fuck You think someone who has seen a rattlesnake in their kitchen (that literally happened to me) or who was chased home from school every day by a belligerent chicken (that literally happened to my cousins) are worried about what Hillary or Donald is going to America? We know this country is more resilient than that. America survived slavery, Pearl Harbor and this Countess Vaughn video, and it was the country people who fought the wars, hired the emancipated slaves and fed the country.

That Countess Vaughn shit was you city motherfuckers’ fault.

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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