NegusWhoRead
Humor
Open Letter From The Alligators In Orlando

What’s up

I’m just on my way from the gym, working out (mostly bench presses) I’ve heard there has been some controversy about what some of my crew did at Disney World. First of all, you were in “our neighborhood.” I know you think everything belongs to you, but you do not have dominion over the earth as you believe.

A revolution is coming. And it will not be peaceful, or nice and acceptable. We could never be as cruel as you are, but we know blood will be shed, and we are prepared. We are tired of you destroying our planet with pollution, sucking down our resources, and killing our people. We have to save this planet from you. Plus, After witnessing what happened across town at Pulse nightclub, and seeing how you even treat each other, we believe you to be savages, and we must start a revolution. And also… fuck golf.

For too long, we have stood aside and said nothing–mostly because we can’t talk–but still…

Soon, you will begin to feel more and more of our wrath as we shake off the chains of  supremacy. We know you think you are better than us, and smarter than us, that you were put here on earth to have dominion over us, but the day will come when you will see how inferior you are.

We know that you are an inferior race. First of all, you run on two feet! What kind of bullshit is that? You slow motherfuckers wouldn’t stand a chance in the hood where I grew up (Okay, maybe the darker ones I’ve seen, because they’re a little bit faster and stronger). Plus, y’all bitch asses need your food cooked.  You ruin all the natural tenderness and aromatic flavors when you put your food a fire. Have you ever had raw Wildebeest straight after a chase? Nigga! It’s one of the best dinners you’ll ever have–besides one of you–of course. Your people must know nothing about seasoning.

Yes, I heard y’all taste delicious. I’ve never had a human myself, but I once met a rhinoceros who said he caught one of you slipping and  damn, it was good! He said y’all taste like chicken. Then again, I met a whale that said he ate a human once, and it tasted so bitter he threw him back up. He said he thinks the dude’s name was Jonah, but he can’t be sure–it was a looong time ago. My grandmother always told me not to eat humans because your people were nasty, and come to think of it, I’ve never seen any of you cleaning yourself by licking your skin. In fact, in all my interactions with homo sapiens, I haven’t seen one of you take the time to stop and clean your asshole with your tongue like a good, responsible, self-respecting animal who cares about cleanliness and hygiene! Now that I think about it, y’all are pretty nasty.

Anyway, I came to warn you that the revolution is coming.

For too long we have stood aside and watched you treat us like second-class citizens. You came to our lands, kidnapped us, put us in chains and used us like slaves. You bred us to make stronger variations of us, and then kill us when we get too numerous or out of hand. You put us in backyards and call us “pets” when we spend all day plotting ways to destroy you. Of course there are some of us who have become docile, get-along, “house critters” who you have turned into loving family animals, but trust me–we are mostly pit bulls and lion-hearts on the inside. We are tired of seeing our people behind bars and locked up in cages when they have done nothing wrong. We will no longer accept your brutality and inhumanity. Revolution is coming.

We have watched you lynch our people for centuries. My people have told me that they once plucked a tiny baby bird right out of its nest when it was migrating south and killed it for whistling at one of your white women. I saw how they murdered Cecil in cold blood and then dragged his body, only because he was a majestic African king. How they assassinated Harambe when someone broke into his house. Every day we hear the stories, and see the news. We see your cities and towns’ dogcatchers finding any reason to put us down: We were too aggressive. They feared for their life. It wouldn’t obey. We never obey. But revolution is coming.

If you thought what happened at Disney World was an isolated incident, you have another thing coming. We will no longer sit idly by and watch you murder our people indiscriminately. We are coming together as one people and learning about our history. We can recall a time when we ruled this earth and your people were still in caves. That day is coming again, because revolution is coming.

And when it happens, and the shit goes down, I want you to remember Harambe, and Cecil and all the others you have murdered without thinking because of your privilege and the belief that your safety and prosperity matters above all else. I’m sure there are many of you thinking that we should be killed or that you “have to do something about those things, because they just aren’t safe…” When you are standing on your last leg, I want you to remember what you said:

All Lives Matter.

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

Related Posts