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An Actual Conversation with Katt Williams Overheard After the Schoolyard Brawl

By Michael Harriot

The following is a transcript from a recording of Katt Williams’ friend Jamaal right after the infamous fight.

 

 

You aight bruh?

No, I’m not laughing. You know me, man, I’m generally happy. My mama always told me to keep a smile on my face.

No man, that’s not a giggle! I’m serious, bruh. You know I wouldn’t laugh at a time such as this!

Anyway, Katt, I know you cut me out of the inner circle because you felt like I was criticizing you too much, man, but I’m your homeboy.  I was trying to look out for you but now you’ve surrounded yourself with all these do-boys, look what happened. It’s the same thing that happened to Kanye. When you don’t have someone close to you to tell you the truth, you end up in a rear-naked-chokehold being strangled by a toddler!

Come on, man. You know I’m just kidding. You can’t take a joke any more? I know he wasn’t a toddler. He was at least in the 5th grade because I looked in his Batman bookbag and he had long division homework, so unless he’s some kind of super math genius, he’s at least ten or eleven.

But let’s get back to you man. I’ve been trying to tell you that you can’t just go around slapping folks. I knew this would happen. You’re too small for that homey. I know you still shop in the Young Men’s section of Macy’s and while that might save you a lot of money, it should be a signal to you that you can’t go around having impromptu MMA matches with kids during recess!

Look, man I’m gonna be honest with you–If you would’ve kept me around you would’ve been doing a lot better right now. First of all, I have been begging you for years to let the perm go. Real niggas don’t wear perms, Katt. It’s not a good look. If you had a low ceaser you could’ve popped back up when that pop-warner WWE wrestler had you in the figure four, but look at you–looking all disheveled with grass and leaves all in your hair. You look like one of those troll doll erasers we used to put on top of our pencils to relieve stress.  That’s what happens when you only have “Yes men” around you.

Just like last week, when you talked shit about Kevin Hart. I never would’ve let that happen. I think you’re waaaay funnier than Kevin but he’s too hot right now for you to be tangling with. He’s got White people on his side. I mean, Katt, that motherfucker made “Ride Along 2” and got an invitation to the Oscars! You just can’t fuck with him like that.

You know only one Black midget can be popular at a time. We’ve had our time–It was Prince, Cee-Lo, You, then Kevin Hart. You saw the chart the Illuminati mailed us. You could’ve even had Kevin’s spot but you walked around slapping white boys in Target, and challenging Steve Harvey to duels. I told you not to fuck with Steve Harvey, too, and look what happened! He’s on Family Feud and fucking up the Miss Universe Pageant, and you’re doing jiu-jitsu in elementary schoolyards. You’ve got to do better, fam.

Don’t worry about it, though. From now on, I have your back. The next time you get headlocked by a prepubescent negro leprechaun, I’ll be there. Until then…

Come here and let me get that leaf outta your perm, homey.

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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