Early Saturday afternoon I was sitting with a sick friend when my phone started buzzing. At first I thought we might be under a terrorist attack, Jesus was coming back, or even more important–Beyonce had just announced that she was having triplets. But when I clicked on the texts, emails and direct messages, they were just links to a Soundcloud song. Now you know I don’t fuck with Soundcloud. As a matter of fact, anyone who sends me a Soundcloud link is usually deleted from my phone, because it is usually something from a wack rapper, a wack poet or a wack singer who also “makes beats.” Then I saw it was a song called SHEther by Remy Ma dissing Nicki Minaj.
It was so full of venom and hate that it went past “diss track” and into the area of “If I see this motherfucker I might have to stab her in the eye. Some people say that the song was wack to them, but it was no one whose opinion I trust. Everyone who thought it was “aight” was either: a person who claims to be a “hip hop head” because they like Drake and Tupac, a mediocre poet who has lines about the revolution not being televised or a hater.
As a mediator for all things black, I’d I decided to sit down and write them individual letters:
First of all, Remy, what are you doing? You know you just got out of jail and now you are just gonna murder someone in front of millions of witnesses? Aren’t you afraid this might violate the terms of your parole? Look, I know you don’t like to let shit slide, and being married to a great battle rapper, I imagine that all of you and Papoose’s arguments are just you two spitting just 16 bars of rhymed insults while the other one beat boxes. I might be wrong, but you know me, I’m just a romantic.
But seriously Mrs. Ma, we need to stop this black on black crime. What you did to Nicki was an act of violence. It was the adult version of child abuse. You just can’t go around doing that to people in public. We have crafted a society where women should feel free to enhance their butt cheeks if they want to without you making fun of it. Shame on you. You aren’t cursed with her dilemma, so when you called her “Spongebob” that was a low blow. Well, the song consisted entirely of low blows, but you catch my drift. I know that rap beef goes back even before hip-hop and predates us all. I understand that it is a version of “the dozens,” “ranking,” or “roasting” that we have been doing for 500 years, but damn, girl… did you have to go in like that? I could hear the ancestors saying, “daaaaaang! I was a slave for 59 years, but even I never got whipped like that!” I’m sure if you simply called Nicki ahead of your release and gave her the choice between:
a. getting shot in the pinky toe repeatedly with a BB gun from close range until it fell off
b. Haveing “SHEther” released
I think Nicki would’ve just rationalized, “well, I can always wear closed-toe stilettos.”
You did her wrong, Remy. She wasn’t ready. You could’ve at least given her a heads up. All I’m saying is that you are gonna have to repent one day for the bloodshed you caused. If God don’t like ugly, he hates SHEther. May he have mercy on your soul.
I know you’re hurt right now. Before you start gathering ghostwriters with the intent to turn this into an all-out war, let me say this:
Girl, don’t do it.
That ain’t what you want. Look I remember how you punked Miley and Taylor Swift, but Remy Ma ain’t no flat-booty, teenage white girl. Remy probably sprinkles the stuff that spooks Hannah Montana into her coffee in the morning. Probably puts it into her bathwater to make her skin glow. Remy ain’t scared, bruh. Remy went to prison for shooting her friend two times and when she was arrested and taken to jail, this was her expression in her mugshot:
Trust me, the best thing you can do is go on vacation and take this L. I know it will be hard, but I’m sure your boy Meek can give you a few pointers. How is it that both of you lost like this? Maybe Taking L’s is a sexually transmitted disease–like syphi-lost or gonnaReallyLose. I’m just guessing here.
Look, you are much more famous than Remy, so you have the option of ignoring this and pretending you didn’t hear it. There is no upside in clapping back because–however strong it may be–when people hear it, they will either say:
a: “You know Drake and Wayne wrote that.”
b. “It wasn’t as good as SHEther”
c. Remy Ma wrote a song about Nicki? Oh, let me go check that out first.
d: “I’m a 15-year old white girl. Why is Nicki Minaj being so aggressive? This is scaring me. Mommy, please give me a hug, Nicki Minaj is acting Black!”
See, you just can’t win. Plus, if I were you, I would never fuck with a woman who dyed her bang a different color than her hair. I don’t even know what that means, but I know that means something. If her hair is schizophrenic, there’s no telling what the actual person will do to you. And I know you think you have a down-ass crew, but did I mention that Remy once had a nigga try to break her out of jail?
Jail, my nigga.
Look, Nicki, you’re a nice girl. You’re even talented. But this kind of beef is above your pay grade. The American attention span is so short, this will be over in a few weeks and everyone will have forgotten about it. Lay low for a while if you don’t want stab wounds in your silicone implants. Trust me, you ain’t bout that savage life. I don’t care what level of lyricism you might think you are on, there is one fact that people have overlooked in this entire feud:
Remy somehow managed to turn you having a huge butt into a negative. That is almost impossible to do with Black people, yet she accomplished it.
That is almost impossible to do with Black people, yet she accomplished it. There is no comeback for that level of skill, because–before this weekend–had anyone told me someone had beef with me and was airing out complaints from my ex-girlfriends about the how unreasonably girthy and long my penis was, I wouldn’t call that a diss record. But Remy Ma, though…
So just chill out, keep out of sight and act like you’ve never heard of Remy Ma. It’s the best strategy for this situation.
P.S. That’s not a typo. I wanted to say “Love, NegusWhoRead,” but I couldn’t…
Because you took that “L.”