Entertainment & Culture
Roseanne Barr for Racism Ambien

Neguswhoread was able to obtain the script for a soon-to-be-approved drug:

Have you ever sat down and wondered why this chicken is so insufferably seasoned? Have you ever craved things like cranberries in your potato salad or Kale in your macaroni and cheese…

Or privilege?

Lucky for you we have a solution! From the pharmaceutical team that brought you the Tuskegee experiment and made Henrietta Lacks a household name, we introduce to you new formulation of our most popular product:

It’s Ambien for racism!

Look, we know how tough it was for you to sit through eight years of a birth certificate suppressing Kenyan leading the free world, forcing health care on perfectly healthy American citizens. (Sure some of them were dying because they were too poor to afford insurance but those people could never afford the medical copay for this proprietary product anyway!)

Our crack staff of researchers used the same pseudoscience employed by climate change deniers and people who believe cops wouldn’t shoot black boys in the face if negroes would stop resisting … I mean existing

And the best thing about this new pill is that it’s 100 percent organic and formulated from the same minerals used to build Confederate monuments. (Most of which were built an entire century after the Civil War, which, coincidentally, had absolutely nothing to do with slaves!) We extracted some of the same plant matter that made the parchment on which the Constitution was written (Because not all drugs were created equal) and mixed it with water from Flint Michigan and viola! Racist Ambien!

Racist Ambien removes unpleasant memories like Jim Crow, segregation, the mid-Atlantic slave trade, the history of lynching and Post Malone songs! With Racism Ambien, whenever people keep bringing up that old shit, you’ll just hear white noise (also, Post Malone songs) as you slowly drift into a lollipop time machine dream that takes you back to the first time America was great. (And no, it was not during the cash money records takeover of 99-2000!)

Yes, Racist Ambien will back dat ass up to the good ol days!

And I know you’re wondering: Is this stuff safe?

I mean, shit … I don’t know.

All I can tell you is that we took racism Ambien through a battery of rigorous tests in numerous locations including: Waffle Houses, cookouts in Oakland, yale dormitory rooms and it worked every single time!

Next, we enlisted famous people and non-celebrities across America to endorse our product, including:

  • Roseanne Barr,
  • Starbucks baristas
  • some lady strolling at an Oakland park on her way to a cookout with cell phone in hand
  • And a guy I’d like to call “the President of the United fucking States of America

(I actually wouldn’t like to call him that, but we gave racism ambient to 53% of white women last November, and … well… Here we are.)

Anyway, if you want the cure for white genocide or if immigrants people give you panic attacks, take two Ambien for racism

Side effects include:

  • Believing “all lives matter”
  • Voting Republican
  • Asking: “B-but what about black on black crime?”
  • Wondering about reverse racism
  • Calling the police on that black guy who keeps acting strange, sitting there doing nothing
  • Wanting to make America great again
  • Thinking a bad guy with a gun can stop a good guy with a gun
  • Believing you can actually get news from Fox News
  • Dreams about walls, but wanting make Mexico pay for it,
  • And listening to Taylor Swift albums

Ask your doctor if Ambien for racism is right for you

It’s probably not. But still…

And if you’re black, try our new formula: Yeezy Ambien!

Because being woke, is a choice.

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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