By Michael Harriot
A few minutes ago Kanye West met Donald Trump for what cultural anthropologist have called the greatest meeting of egos since the “We Are The World” recording (they said Michael Jackson pimp-slapped Lionel Richie so hard during the studio session that Lionel’s shag actually fell off).
As you know, NegusWhoRead has undercover operatives, secret journalists and stitchless snitches in every corner of the globe. We were able to get an audio recording of the private meeting between Trump and Yeezy and transcribed it for you.
Donald Trump: What’s up, my African-American? It’s good to see you…
Kanye West: (interrupting) You can say “my nigga.” I don’t mind.
DT: I don’t use that word. Too many people find it offensive. Plus I have Black secret service officers and they are already giving me the side-eye, like they might move out of the way if somebody tried something.
KW: It’s ok. I let Kim say it all the time. I have to. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to tell if she was talking to me, or Khloè’s nigga, or Kourtney’s nigga or Tyga.
DT: Yes Drake, but I’m the President now. I have many African-American friends, and some of them don’t like when I use that word. Legally, as President, all Black people belong to me now. I think that’s what the constitution says, but I called Omarosa the n-word once, and she almost frowned. Ben Carson didn’t mind. Well, maybe he did, but I can’t tell when he’s mad. He’s always in a Xanax stupor. Anyway, Kanye, I called you to my office to see how you were doing.
KW: I’m ok, Mr. Trump. I just got out of the hospital.
DW: What was wrong, Kendrick? Are you ok:
KW: Yeah, man. People just got concerned at me screaming at people, going on public rants, so they had me committed for “exhaustion.” You know me, Deezy Trump! A nigga like me is never exhausted! It’s not like everyone doesn’t know that “exhausted” is a euphemism for “batshit crazy!”
DW: Yeah, Weezy, I heard. Sometimes people think I’m “exhausted,” too. I gotta be honest. If you support me, I gotta think you’re at least a little “exhausted.” Have you heard the shit I’ve said about minorities and Black people? I know you’re not the problem, because you have a job and don’t shoot people when they walk down the street, but your people…
KW: Don’t sweat it, Don Dada, I know where you’re coming from. I know you gotta do what you gotta do to get that dough. I’m used to slimy white people shitting on people of color. Trust me, Taylor Swift taught me well.
DW: Yeah, she’s a nice girl. I’m thinking about marrying her next.
KW: Taylor Swift? Wait, What about Melania?
DW: Come on Young Jeezy! You know how I do! I switch up wives every few years. Maybe Black don’t crack, but you know white women are like non-pasteurized milk, they reach their expiration date really fast. Melania’s time is almost up. See, people think I go around grabbing pussies because I’m a misogynist, but the truth is, I’m shopping for my next wife. It’s like how you thump the watermelons or squeeze the Charmin before you buy it:
KW: I feel you. I can’t even squeeze Kim’s booty anymore. She’s afraid it might pop. It’s got so much silicone in it every time she takes a dookie it’s like we’re caulking the toilet all over again.
DW: I understand, 2Chains. Melania’s lips and forehead are so filled with Botox, she can’t even blink. She sleeps with her eyes open. That shit is just creepy. Anyway, Future, I heard you were thinking about running for President.
KW: Yessir. I figure by 2020 you will have fucked up the country so bad, America will start remembering the Obama presidency fondly. And who will they turn to? Cory Booker? Hell no. They are gonna want Yeezy! You know what they say: Once you go Black, you’ll never-
DW: Actually, Mr. Minaj, they don’t say that anymore. America went Black and then went back. Waaaay back. But your presidential plans just might work! I was just running for President to hype the next season of The Apprentice and troll Jeb Bush, but these stupid motherfuckers took me seriously! I don’t even want to be President! As a matter of fact, I’m trying to get impeached. Let me tell you what my plan is:
I’m gonna install a bunch of rich dudes in my cabinet who have already fucked up the private sector, let them screw America up, and when the entire country is devalued I’m gonna sell it all to Taiwan for pennies on the dollar! It’s all an elaborate real estate scheme, and I can sell America, because I’m the president! I think that’s what the constitution says.
KW: Actually I don’t think it says that.
DT: Who cares what it says? You know how I do. Kick out Mexicans. Imprison Muslims. Stop freedom of religion and speech. The constitution doesn’t matter. Especially when I finish with the Supreme Court. As a matter of fact, you wanna be on the Supreme Court? I’ll appoint you right now.
KW: Man, all I know is fashion, music, art, dope beats, and Beyonce and Jay Z don’t wanna hang out no more. I don’t know anything about the law!
DT: Who cares? I gave Beyonce and Jay their first “L” because they endorsed Hillary. It turns out the only group in America more powerful than the Beyhive is the Alt-Right.
Plus, it’s not about what you know. I don’t know shit about business and everyone thinks I have an empire, even when they didn’t see my taxes. I don’t know shit about making money, declared Bankruptcy a million times, and people think I’m rich! I don’t know anything about being President, and you see where I am! It’s all about how much swazz you have:
KW: I think you mean “swag.”
DT: Whatever. You know what I mean. I have one of the greatest vocabulariations of all time, and people trust me biggly.
KW: I feel you. I’m just here to congratulate you on your victory man, and to thank you for teaching me everything I know. You taught me how to pimp slap muhfuckas on twitter. How to lace everything in gold. How, if you brag about yourself enough, there will always be someone to believe it. How to go into debt to achieve your dreams. But most of all, how to choose women.
DT: No problem, LL Cool K. As you guys say, it’s all goodly. You taught me a lot too. There’s no way I’d be able to keep my hair in place if you hadn’t schooled me on Duke’s Hair Pomade and Pink Oil Lotion. Take care of yourself man, and good luck with your presidential run.
By the way, when you see Bruce… I mean Kaitlyn, please apologize for me. Tell her I’m sorry about grabbing her by the penis.
KW: Aight Young Treezy. Take care of yourself.
DT: OK, Young Thug. By the way, do you have Snoop Dogg’s number? I’m thinking of hiring him to lead the DEA.