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The Secret Transcript From Donald Trump’s Visit To A Black Church

Last week, Donald Trump paid a visit to Great Faith International Ministries, a Church in Detroit Michigan with an all-Black congregation. Because this was a closed-door service where members of the press were not allowed, media outlets haven’t been able to say what happened inside the sanctuary with any degree of accuracy. But the crack investigative staff at NegusWhoRead has assembled a word-for-word transcript from sources inside the service. Although many in the mainstream media failed to gain this kind of ex post facto access and have questioned the veracity of our reporting, we cannot reveal our sources. All we can say is that only the staff at this publication knows how many women on Great Faith choir wear weaves and where their members get their hair done. You’d be surprised at what spreading around a few packs of Remy #9 will do to break an intractable silence. The following is a complete transcript of the introduction and Donald Trump’s remarks at the Saturday services at Great Faith.

Bishop Wayne T. Jackson: First, I want to thank the Choir for that beautiful selection. I also want to thank Dr. Ben Carson for arranging this entire service. Even if you hadn’t threatened to “stab me in the dick like you did back in the day,” I would have still been proud and honored to host someone as successful, hardworking and orange as Donald Trump. He is proof of the scripture in Second Corinthians (Or as they call it in Mr. Trump’s church–“Two Corinthians”) chapter 8 verse 9, that Jesus became poor so that “ye through his poverty might become rich.” God must have seen something in Mr. Trump, for he has blessed Donald abundantly. Well, actually he blessed Donald’s daddy abundantly, who then passed it on to his son like most rich white people, but you know what they say: The lord Works in mysterious ways!” Anyhow, I want to present to the man we all have sold our souls for. Welcome to the pulpit, Lord willing (And he’s probably not willing, but my contract says I have to say that) the next President of the United States, Mr. Donald Trump!

Donald Trump: Thank you, thank you. God is good.

Congregation: All the time.

Donald Trump: And all the time…

Congregation: God is Good.

Donald Trump: No, he’s spectacular. He may be good to you, but I’m Donald J Trump. God knows what time it is when he’s dealing with me.

Nevertheless, I’d like to thank you all for coming out to hear me speak today. I’ll be honest, I’m not used to having an audience with this much color in it. The last time I was in a room with this many Black people I was hiring maids for Trump Towers.

I’m just kidding. That was a joke. I’d never hire people of color as Trump hotel maids. We human traffic our maids straight from White countries whose names end in “-slavia.”

It is great to be here at Great Faith. I have to say, I love the music. Love. Love. Love. And the dancing! I’ve never seen anyone move like that! Was that the Deion Sanders touchdown dance? Was that the Hokey Pokey? I was about to put my left foot in and turn it all about… Huh?… Oh, that’s the Holy Ghost? Never heard of it.

Anyway. I’m just glad to be here.

As you know some of my best friends are Black. Dr. Ben Carson is one of my most trusted campaign advisers. Every  time I need to make a decision, I call him and get his advice. Then I do the opposite of whatever he says. He is really valuable to me. Most of you know that Ben Carson was the first to separate conjoined twins, but many people don’t know I called him and got those twins’ phone number and dated both of them in college. They were absolutely beautiful (except for a little scar tissue on their heads.)

One of my other most trusted Allies of color is my pet negro Omarosa. When I found Omarosa she was a stray negro with nothing but weave and wickedness, but I turned her into a reality star and in return she was willing to turn on her people. Now I keep her in a small cage under my bed and feed her fried chicken and Kool Aid in exchange for her standing next to me which makes me look good being photographed next to one of the coloreds.

Now I know I have said some incendiary things during my campaign for President, but I wanted to have this closed-door meeting to let you know that I was forced to say those things. I’m running as a Republican, and one of the key demographics needed to win the Republican nomination is what GOP pollsters refer to in our meetings is the “nigger hating vote” Wait. I meant the “n-word hating vote.” I almost forgot I wasn’t supposed to say it in front of you people because I hear it so often at my rallies.

And about that whole birth certificate thing with President Obama, you have to realize that when you hire as many Mexicans as I have, you have to make sure you ask for their birth certificate. See, if they have a birth certificate, then I’ll be forced to pay them Social Security taxes, insurance, benefits, etc. It totally defeats the purpose of hiring Mexicans in the first place. Me asking for Obama’s birth certificate was just a force of habit. I knew he wasn’t a Muslim. If I thought he was a Muslim I would have asked him for a bean pie, or asked where his bow tie went. Black Muslims wear bow ties, right?

I want you to know, I have no prejudice in my heart against you people.I love the Blacks. I watch Basketball, I listen to Aretha Franklin, and in 1983, I even let a Black person touch me. She was giving me a massage on my private jet, but that just goes to show you I am not a prejudiced person.

All I want to do is help rebuild the Black communities by bringing back law, order and common sense. I’ve heard that if you walk down the street in a Black neighborhood you automatically get shot. I can’t remember if Omarosa or Ben Carson told me that statistic, or if I saw it on “Boyz in the Hood” but I’m pretty sure it’s true. Many people say there are two Americas: One where rich, white people live, and one where poor Black people live. I promise you I will end this. My lack of economic knowledge and total ignorance in government is going to ruin the American economy so thoroughly that all of America will become “the hood.”

In conclusion, I know the mainstream media has led you to believe that my supporters are racist, anti-Black neo-nazis and KKK members, and many of them are, but the only other alternative called your people “Superpredators” and locked you up in record numbers. You know what she’s going to do, you might as well try me. What do you have to lose? You were once kings and queens, but look at you now. All you do is twerk, play spades and get shot by police. Only Donald Trump can make negroes great again.

And I’d like to close with an original quote by my Wife Melania Trump:

For God so loved the world, that he gave them his only begotten Trump. So that whosoever votes for him shall not perish, but have everlasting life

Trump 2016. Let me see some of that Holy Ghost Hokey poke again.

 

About the author

Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot

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