By Michael Harriot
If you are like me (you’re probably not, and you should thank God for that), since Donald J Trump became (hold on, let me pinch myself again to make sure this isn’t some terrible crystal-meth-induced nightmare… Sigh, it’s not) president elect, your social media timeline has been streaming with variations on the same theme: Fuck Donald Trump. How did this happen? Does America have an “undo” button somewhere?
Anyway. To stop you from regurgitating one of the same themes, I thought we’d catalog the top ten things we are all tired of hearing since the (sigh… it’s really real, y’all) election of the 45th President of the United States.
1. God is still in control Bruh, miss me with that. Don’t come to me talmbout “Jesus will fix it.” Even though I am a non believer, I am not against religion or anti-faith. But part of the pathological psychosis of Black people is that we have been brainwashed to replace all logic, reasoning and sensible thought with an unflinching dependence on an unseen deity given to us by the same bastards who hoarded us into the bowels of slaveships named “Jesus.”
You know who believes in that same God? The conservatives Trump convinced he was a Christian by telling them he reads “Two Corinthians” and who Republicans bullshitted into believing Obama was the anti-Christ. That’s the same God you believe in, yet you are convinced yours is right. Either they are somewhere in a backroom laughing heartily at how they connived both groups of idiots to enslaves themselves by trusting in the same deity over apparent logic, or their God is stronger than ours and sure hates niggers.
2. We’ve seen worse. We will get through this You think we don’t know that? We are all aware of the relative strength of Black people, but just before Massa ties me to the whipping post, don’t tell me “It’s gonna hurt, but you’ll survive.” If you do, I should have the right to slap you.
Don’t worry, you’ll get through it.
3. It’s the fault of the people who didn’t vote No it’s not. It’s White people’s fault. They voted overwhelmingly for Donald Trump. He won the White vote by 20 points. Almost 90% of Black people voted against the dickhead douchebag. I think anyone who doesn’t vote is stupid, but I also think people who drink Mountain Dew are stupid. Everyone has the right not to vote, and I don’t want people that stupid weighing in on the political process that determines my future.
4. Sure Trump is a racist, but… This is almost always the position of the White people who voted for Trump and want to explain why he won. They call it anti-politician backlash. They refer to it as “white angst.” They say they’re taking it to the Washington politicians. You can be sure that whenever America (pronounced “wyt pee-pull”) get upset or angry about something, it will be Black people who bear the burden. It’s not because all White people are racist. It’s because most White people don’t care about racism. It doesn’t affect them. For us it is an ultimate sin. To them, it is–at best–just a negative character trait. Like “he bites his fingernails,” or “he wants to kick all Muslims and Mexicans out of the country.”
So White people, the next time you say someone “is racist, but…” Whatever comes after “but” better be strong enough to outweigh and overshadow racism, like “he’s racist, but he is almost finished building a time machine in his basement,” or “she’s racist, but she’s a virgin who was overcome by the Holy Spirit and is carrying the son of God in her belly.”
5. Trump won’t be that bad NIGGA HOW DO YOU KNOW?!?
Maybe he will be worse. He bankrupts companies all the time. He insults other business leaders all the time. It’s not the racism part that I fear–it’s the utter boneheadedness that he displays at every turn. Do you want a motherfucker who uses the word “bigly” renegotiating the intricate wordings of a treaty with Iran that determines whether or not they can build nuclear weapons? Do you think someone whose experience lies in golf courses, reality TV, and that one porno he helped make should command the largest and most powerful army in the world? Do you think the man who doesn’t think it was racist to say a judge was unqualified because the judge had Mexican parents should be appointing Supreme Court justices?
George W. Bush had the intelligence of a feral meerkat and seems like Einstein on Adderall standing next to Donald Trump.
6. Bernie Sanders would’ve won Look, I voted for and supported Bernie in the primaries but Trump would’ve beat Bernie like he stole something. Then he would’ve stole something. The Bernie supporters mad at Hillary and the DNC for rigging the primaries (and they did rig the primaries) should be thankful. Hillary put salt in the game but the Republicans have Lawry’s seasoned salt. They have Epsom Salt. They have rock salt. They have Muslim, taught-in-a-madrassa-and-born-in-Kenya salt. They have make-that-nigger-disavow-his-pastor salt. They have get-the-Russians-t0-hack-her-email salt. They have make-the-FBI-Director-say-you-are-under-investigation-five-days-before-the-election salt.
And you know who else the Trump voters hate more than Hillary, women, Blacks, Muslims, Mexicans or gays?
7. Hillary should’ve… Trust me, Hillary wanted to be President so bad, if there was anything she could’ve done, she would have. Stop blaming her. She caught pneumonia for this. She sat feet away from women who accused her husband of rape for this. She bought the entire collection of Steve Harvey suits for this.
8. Love Trumps Hate No it doesn’t. Love can envelop you and wrap you in a layer of peace so warm and cuddly that it might insulate you from the effects of hate. But it doesn’t negate it. Love is an antibiotic. Hate is a virus.
Besides, Black people have always had love in their hearts. We sang songs and prayed as we were sprayed with fire hoses, but still got wet. We wished peace and blessings on the baton-beaters on a bridge in Selma, but we still needed stitches. We protected our enslavers. We loved the hangmen as they draped nooses around our necks. In battles and boxing rings–even if you have love in your heart–you have to watch the motherfuckers circling you and punch them in their mouths. If not, you should expect to end up with a bloody lip at the very least. If you believe in love so strongly, why don’t you go to the next Klan meeting with flowers and some bible verses and see what happens.
Good luck with that.
9. This is just like when _____ No, this is unlike anything we have ever seen. We know we’ve had racist Presidents before. We know we’ve had veritably unqualified Presidents before but Ronald Reagan was Governor. Eisenhower had led the Army into battle. This motherfucker literally walked off the set of a reality show and into the Oval Office! Would you let Ne Ne Leakes pilot the plane you were in? What if Cardi B wanted to be your investment advisor? We don’t know what the fuck is about to happen. We can only go by what he has already done, so all we know is there will be a lot of pussy-grabbing, lying and he might tell the members of the United Nations security council to “go fuck themselves.”
10. I did my part In the wake of this impending disaster that will eradicate mankind from the face of the Earth (Oh, you know that’s what is about to happen, right? This is how the zombie Apocalypse starts. If you watch The Walking Dead you can see blown-over Trump/Pence signs in the back of every scene. First they wipe out Obamacare, then…) no one feels the need to assuage the hate and fears of people of color more than the White people who voted for Hillary. On every social media post they respond by reminding you that not all White people voted for Trump.
We know that motherfucker. Instead of spraining your rotator cuff patting yourself on the back for your progressive thinking and being an ally, you know what you should be doing?
Nothing at all.
Stay away from us right now. We can’t deal.
I know you feel united in your anti-Trumpness but every time we see you or your reminders it reconstitutes the bitter taste in our mouths and the twinge of sorrow in our hearts that even after eight years of a Black man pulling the entire motherfucking world from the brink of economic collapse…
After poor white people in trailer parks can go to the doctor without fear of bankrupting themselves because of the work of his party..
After we saved the country (because the white vote was virtually split over Obama and we broke the tie.)
After we gave you free cotton, the light bulb, open heart surgery, every advancement in cancer research ever, blood transfusions, gold medals, every form of American music, Osama Bin Laden’s death, a stable economy and taught you motherfuckers how to use seasoned salt…
Here we are–niggers again.
- Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
- Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
- Click to share on Google+ (Opens in new window)
- Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
- Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
- Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
- Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)
About the author
Michael Harriot is a renowned spoken word poet, the host of The Black One podcast and the editor-in-chief of NegusWhoRead. He is perpetually just getting warmed up because he has no chill. He is on Instagram and twitter as @michaelharriot
Get NegusWhoRead in your inbox
Roseanne Barr for Racism Ambien
I Think I Might Be A Lesbian
10 Valid Criticisms of ‘Black Panther’
The Lamest Excuses Why Black People Won’t Boycott The NFL
How Trump Turned The White House Into A Ghetto Nightclub.
The NegusWhoRead Definitive List Of People Not Invited To The Cookout
The Caucasian Guide To Black Women’s Hair
- Ashley McIntyre
- B. Warren
- Black Grandmama
- Tomika Glenn
- Britt Wiggins
- Mwalim DaPhunkee Professor
- Desi Cortez
- Jeremy Harriot
- J. G. The Juggernaut
- Joi Miner
- Jona Nanette
- Karen Reynolds
- Kayelin Tiggs
- Kyla Lacey
- Garbagemen vs Garbage Men: Lessons on Updating My Dating Status
- To Trick Daddy and ALL Black Men Who Degrade Black Women To Justify Dating “Women Of Other,” Ummm… Could You NOT?
- I Didn’t See “Birth of A Nation” And Guess What? I’m Still Black!
- #ForNever Duncan
- The Men With The Greatest Baby Hair of All Time
- Lyssa Lou
- Michael Harriot
- Robert Chatmon
- Sonny Gillespie
- Queen Sheba
- The F*ckboy Detection Quiz 0 comments
- J13 vs. J15 – How to Tell the Difference between AKAs and Deltas 0 comments
- The Top Ten Most Ratchet Songs of All Time 0 comments
- The Five Kinds Of Hotep 0 comments
- The Caucasian Guide To Black Women’s Hair 0 comments