By Michael Harriot
America, The Pentagon, the Vatican and the rest of the world have weighed in on our single elimination tournament to find the greatest get-you-out-of-your-seat jam of all time. Remember, these are not the best songs of all time. These are just songs that make you turn the radio up even if your pastor is riding with you. These are the songs that make you dance with the ugly guy wearing church shoes at the club because the song is playing and there’s no one else around to hump on (by the way, that used to be my strategy–just hang out platonically with the girl I liked until the right song came on, then hoped she rubbed her booty on my thigh). When these songs come on, the vodka will whisper in your ear, “Go ahead and dance… hard.”
So here is the first half of our tournament bracket. Before we begin, I would like to note that all the commentary is mine, but the staff and writers of NegusWhoRead voted on the matchups.
You can download the full bracket from here. If you don’t like the results, blame Sonny, Monica, BWiggy, Robert, Karen, Jeremy et al.
Juvenile – “Back Dat Azz Up” vs Doug E. Fresh – “The Show”
This was a tough matchup for Doug E. (or should I call him “Mr. Fresh?”). In fact, Doug E. received only one vote and if I find out who it is, I might be forced to ban them from being involved with this site. Good thing the voting was anonymous. After all, Back Dat Azz Up was the number one seed in the entire tournament. When the DJ plays the first few sounds of this joint, anyone who is still sitting down is either deaf or paralyzed from the waist down. Even if I was in a wheelchair, I would still do wheelies on the dance floor. Even though “The Show” introduced us to Slick Rick and was the first hip hop song to turn a Saturday morning cartoon theme into a jam, it can’t compete with “Back Dat Azz Up.” If this was a basketball game, it would be over at halftime.
Winner: Back Dat Azz Up
R. Kelly – “Ignition Remix” vs Nelly “Hot in Herre”
I have a theory that white people and people from St. Louis are the only ones who still dance to “Hot in Herre,” but the panel forced me to put it on the list. I’ve always found this song annoying–even when it first came out–because Nelly voice always sounds pained. He always sounds like he just had an orgasm 2 seconds ago and someone is still playing with his balls. However, no one can deny that this song put booties on the dance floor, even if the song is by a nigga wearing a fake band-aid.
“Now usually I don’t do this, but…” Nelly’s competition, R. Kelly’s “Ignition” remix, is so dope that you can rationally object to it because it is the creation of a child molesting egomaniac, but as the great poet and philosopher Shakira once quipped, “the hips don’t lie.” If R. Kelly went to court for what he did to that little girl, and I was his lawyer, this is what I would say for my closing arguments:
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury… This.”
Then I’d play the Ignition remix and rest my case
Winner: Ignition Remix
Chaka Demus & Pliers – “Murder She Wrote” vs Junior Mafia – “Get Money.”
Dear reader, during a night of partying there comes a time when one just wants to grind one’s crotch upon someone. One doesn’t need this moment to be romantic, lest the grindee get the wrong idea. For this moment, the good Lord blessed us with dancehall reggae. Murder She Wrote does not represent Chaka Demus and Pliers, here. It represents all dancehall. When you’ve had enough drinks in you, and MC Hammer just won’t do–lets all hope the DJ plays a song with a funky reggae rhythm whose words you don’t care to know. Here’s to crotch grinding. Side note: This may be the most ridiculously niggerific video of all time.
Notorious B.I.G. made the list more than any other artist. Technically this song is performed by Junior Mafia, but we all know that if Biggie wasn’t on this song it would be a bigger turd than whatever Shaq’s toilet holds on Thanksgiving night. As a matter of fact, the DJ usually cuts it off after Biggie’s verse. Some of them will let Lil Kim shine a little if enough people are on the dance floor, but I’d rather them not, because the same question always pops into my head when I hear this song:
When Lil’ Kim says she’s about to get “deeper than the pussy of a bitch 6-feet…” does that mean taller women have deeper vaginas? Is that medically sound logic? Was she high when she wrote this? Oh, that’s right. She didn’t write this, Biggie did, and of course he was high. Never mind.
Winner: Get Money
Method Man featuring Mary J. Blige – “I’ll be there for you (You’re All I Need)” vs Mariah Carey featuring Ol Dirty Bastard – “Fantasy (remix)”
This matchup is all about the featured artists, and it’s Wu Tang on Wu Tang crime. Method Man and Mary J won’t necessarily get you to do the running man, but it will make you stand up and do the two step with your girlfriend. This is the greatest hip hop love song of all time. If you have ever shared a blunt with a woman, if your girl has ever hid your gun at her house, if you have ever dated anyone who gave you a bottle of liquor for your birthday, if your bae has ever pointed out to you how big another woman’s ass was–you are legally obligated to dance to this song.
“Yooooo Newwwwww Yooork in the house!”
Let’s be real. There’s no way Mariah Carey was ever making this list, except for that one time some genius producer thought to hook her up with Ol Dirty Bastard. This collaboration is so improbable that I believe ODB was sitting outside the studio drinking a forty and Mariah’s ditzy ass thought he was Method Man. That’s the only way she could have ended up in the studio with Dirt Dog. The only drawback to this song is you can stop listening after ODB’s verse. If Mimi isn’t bellowing a ballad during the climax of a Disney movie, no one is listening to her golden-voiced, seven octave range, bullshit.
Winner: I’ll Be There For You (You’re All I Need)
EU – “Doin Da Butt” vs. The Notorious BIG “One More Chance” remix
Here’s the problem: You actually can’t do “the butt” all night long. It get’s kinda boring after one minute and 47 seconds.
One More Chance is not the greatest rap song ever made–but it is the most perfect. It is gangsta enough for any man, and it is smooth enough for any woman. You can’t even pretend that it’s not lyrically dope, because he’s supposed to represent. He’s not only the client… You know the words, my nigga. You know the words.
Winner: One More Chance
Luniz – “I Got Five On It” vs Prince “Kiss”
This was one of the first round’s toughest matchups. It even went into overtime and everyone was on the edge of their seats to see the one-hit-wonder Luniz take on the Hall-of-Famer Prince. In the end, the bout came down to what was more important–marijuana or tongue kissing, and amongst the general public, the answer is obvious, but among geeky, writers, they are always asking you to “put five” on something–pizza, beer, an Uber ride, their church offering…
Winner: I Got Five On It
Lathun “Freak It” vs Luke “I wanna Rock Right Now/Doo Doo Brown”
This was the first outcome I vehemently disagreed with it, but the people have spoken.
I don’t know who Lathun is, how he looks, what other songs he sings, or even if he is Black or white. All I know is, if you are below the Mason Dixon Line at a party that is more than 38.903% African American, at the end of the night, the DJ is going to play “Freak It” and everyone is going to dance. Hard. Because everyone knows that Freak It is the last song they spin before they start playing slow songs. Unless you’re at a Que Dog party, then they’re about to play “Atomic Dog.” Either way, you better dance to the penultimate jam.
Uncle Luke invented the entire genre of making chants for you to shake your ass to. He is truly an OG pervert who objectified women and talked about how much he wanted some pussy an how much he enjoyed “head, head and mo’ head!” He was obscene, uncouth and we love him. Thank you for your service the real Luke Skywalker, even though I think Lathun’s song deserves the win.
Winner: I Wanna Rock/Doo Doo Brown
Jay Z “Big Pimpin’ ” vs Lil Viscious featuring Doug E Fresh “Freaks”
Beyonce’s Baby Daddy takes on a preteen reggae star in this matchup. On one hand you have Hova, Brooklyn’s Finest, teamed up with UGK–Southern rap royalty. In the other corner you have the world’s greatest entertainer Doug E Fresh. Big Pimpin’ actually makes you feel like you’re wearing a diamond Rolex, floating in a yacht, eating fried chicken doused in all the hot sauce you’ll ever need. Freak’s frantic beat-box and fast pace makes you feel like you’re too tired by the second verse. Tell the DJ to just play Lathun’s song so we can go. I’m out.
Winner: Big Pimpin
Tune in tomorrow for the second half of our bracket.