Today we resume our single-elimination tournament and get into the second half of our brackets to find the greatest jam of all time. (Click here to see day 1)Remember, we are not searching for the best song. We are looking for the jam that makes the liquor whisper “Go ‘head, drop it low, girl” in your left ear. We are looking for the song that would make you turn up the radio even if you were sitting in parking lot of the church about to go in and get baptized. We are searching for the song that makes you scream to the world “that’s my jaaaammmm!”
Here are today’s matchups:
Parliament Funkadelic – “Flashlight” vs. Mystikal – “Shake Ya Ass”
This might be one of the biggest gaps in understanding of any matchup in this competition. “Flashlight” might be the funkiest, booty-shakingest jam of all time, but no one knows what it means! Kids, please say “no” to drugs… unless you run across some of whatever George Clinton took before he wrote Flashlight. In that case, it is your duty to take them and tell us how it feels.
On the opposite end of the spectrum is Mystikal’s “Shake Ya Ass.” It simply instructs you what you should do during the song. Shake ya ass. It’s that straightforward. This song gets extra points for sampling the originator of Funk–James Brown. It also gets a ton of bonus points for containing the line, “I came here with my dick in my hand…”
Winner: Shake Ya Ass
Ying Yang Twins – “Whistle While You Twerk” vs E-40 – “Tell Me When To Go”
This is the first unanimous choice of the entire tournament.
The Ying Yang Twins quietly have one of the most extensive catalogues of “move-that-ass” songs in all of music. I personally favor “The Whisper Song” because I always chuckle to myself whenever I think of a guy whispering in a woman’s ear “Wait till you see my…” But this is their biggest hits and one of the first documented uses of the word “twerk.”
When the people from the South saw “Tell Me When To Go” on the list, they always said the same thing: “Which song is that?” But when they hear the song, they say “oooooohhh…”
Then I have to wait for them to stop dancing. Everybody likes Forty Water.
Winner: Tell Me When To Go
Akinyele – “Put It In Your Mouth” vs Johnny Kemp – “Just Got Paid”
When you hear the first refrains of “My baaabyyy left meeeee…” You know someone is about to juggle their ass on your crotch region. For most of it’s song’s existence, Put It In Your Mouth” was the nastiest, most explicit song on the DJ’s playlist. Now, there is a song imploring you to “eat the booty like groceries.”
“Just Got Paid” is the ultimate working class song, but does anyone get paid on Friday Night any more? I believe this song could have been a unanimous selection except for two things:
- Johnny Kemp’s terrible Robert Griffin III twisty-braids
- What if it’s not Friday night?
Winner: Put It In Your Mouth
Notorious BIG “Mo Money, Mo Problems” vs BBD “Poison”
This vote was so close I had to personally break the tie. “Mo Money, Mo Problems” is the third Biggie song in the competition and proof that Diddy is a dance tune genius. However, you should not let him and Mase rap on the same song. Mase always sounds like he’s about to go to sleep and P. Diddy always sounds like he’s just waking up.
Of all the songs in this competition, there is none that give you the greatest piece of advice ever set to music:
Never trust a big butt and a smile.
Notorious BIG – “Juicy” vs Frankie Beverly and Maze – “Before I Let Go”
Another Biggie ditty. Look, this competition is not about the heart, it is about the booty. “Juicy” combines impeccable lyrics and one of the funkiest instrumentals of all time.
“Before I let Go” was the number 3 overall seed in the tournament because every uncle and anyone wearing a leather skirt and leopard print blouse is legally obligated to dance to the song.
Winner: Before I Let Go
Mary J Blige ft Notorious BIG – “Real Love” remix vs Lil’ John & The Eastside Boyz featuring Yin Gang Twins – “Get Low”
Damn, Biggie. Another, one? Mary J. Blige set the feelings and wishes of almost every woman in stone with “Real Love,” and then Biggie made it funky.
“Get Low” is another one of the Ying Yang Twins rump-jiggling classics, but does anyone really like Lil John’s hollering? He is like the cheery roomate who doesn’t drink and wakes up at 5:30 am trying to talk to you when you were out until 4 taking tequila shots.
Winner: Real Love
DJ Kool – “Clear My Throat” vs Cheryl Lynn “Encore”
If you are at a party and the DJ plays this song, women are going to lie. Even the women who borrowed money from their homegirls to get in the club will act like they are “independent women,” but if y’all wanna party like we do. If y’all wanna party like us…
“Encore” is one of those songs that can get you going because it corrals the age-old theme of “Your sex is so good, I want some more.” Who could argue with that?
Aly Us – “Follow Me” vs Usher featuring Lil Jon and Ludacris – “Yeah”
If I told you I would add 2 inches to your penis or give you 3 extra inches of booty or breast, you still wouldn’t have been able to come up with the name of the person who made “Follow Me.” I know I couldn’t. But when the DJ mixes this standard of house music, you recognize that there’s about to be “some hoes in this house.”
“Yeah” benefits from the addition of Lil Jon, but again, he be hollerin’ so loud! It’s saving grace is that Ludacris gives us the only documented pronunciation of how our grandma pronounces “Usher” when he tells us “Urr-shuh got the voce that makes your booty go…”
so here is the sweet sixteen:
Stay tuned for the sweet sixteen matchups.