Presidential candidate Ben Carson recently took time off from campaigning, squinting and having his barber fuck up his goatee to promote his new novel: A More Perfect Union. During the book tour, journalists have repeatedly confronted him over the validity of statements in previous books and speeches he has made over the years, highlighted by his claims of a previously violent thug life where he almost knifed someone named “Bob.” In a speech over ten years ago, Carson also posits the theory — after reading the full bible story of Joseph and his coat of many colors — that he believes Joseph built the pyramids to store grain. Just a few hours ago reporters uncovered the truth surrounding his boasting that he was once accepted to West Point: Not True
We asked our interns here to comb through his previous works of science fiction and they found more than a few claims that raise questions and eyebrows about the credibility and sanity of Dr. Carson. We have listed a few of the more preposterous ones here.
He refutes the Big Bang Theory Carson believes the universe began when God and Superman got in a fight over Khaleesi – The Mother of Dragons. She was supposed to be kicking it with the omnipotent master of the universe, but he came home one day (although I don’t know what he was doing out when he hadn’t even made a Universe yet — which is EXACTLY why his ass can’t keep a woman) and caught her having a threesome with Clark Kent and Zeus. You know God, don’t play that shit. He slapped Superman so hard that the resulting echoes expanded the universe, causing matter to coagulate, gravity to form, blah, blah, blah… Universe, motherfuckers!
He has unreleased Tupac songs When Tupac was shot multiple times on the Vegas strip, where do you think they took the Don Killuminati to get medical care — some emergency room hack you never heard of, or the man who separated the heads of conjoined twins like real playas separate thighs? (I’m pretty sure that’s a quote) Dr. Carson’s healing hands stitched Pac up, and as an expression of gratitude the rapper invited Headbusta Ben (Carson’s hip hop moniker) to record six tracks before Tupac disappeared to a life of anonymity. Dr. Carson still has the masters and will only release them if he becomes President. He visits Pac sometimes — and that’s what Tupac wants. You know how real G’s do.
He has a plan to defeat ISIS and end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan Carson believes much of the Middle Eastern turmoil is attributable to the Bush administration’s decision to go to war with Iraq because of the fear surrounding 9/11. He also doesn’t understand why President Obama is putting boots on the ground in Syria when there is an obvious solution to bring about peace to the Middle East. If elected Carson would simply get a Terminator to go back in time and kill Osama Bin Laden and Barbara Bush. If Barbara Bush doesn’t exist, George W. can’t lead us into Iraq, thus there wouldn’t be the vacuum of power that created the rise of ISIS. Carson is the only candidate with a strategic plan to solve the problems in the Middle East and retroactively prevent 9/11 because Ben Carson is about solutions. Fantastic, fiction-based, hypothetical solutions.
The Original Karate Kid was about Ben Carson Of course they “Hollywood-ed” it up by making the main character a white kid, but it is essentially the story of his life. When Carson was a poor teenager all he did was fuck bitches, smoke weed every day and other trill shit. One day while banging on the West side, he got hemmed up by another gang who was set tripping, and an old Japanese gardener saved his life, took him in and taught him Kung Fu. Ben supported himself through college as a freelance ninja and the parents of the conjoined twins he separated still say the only anesthetic he used was rubbing his hands together really fast like Mr Miyagi. In fact, the trophy for the East Valley tournament and the skull of the instructor of the Cobra-Kai Dojo still sit on his mantlepiece (they really Hollywood-ed the movie up).
Homosexuality Causes Climate Change Carson is the only Republican candidate who believes global warming is manmade. It is a little-discussed medical fact from the bible that the body temperature of homosexuals is two degrees higher than that of a straight man. Why do you think gay guys are always taking their shirts off in the parades? Jesus even talks about it on the sermon on the mount:
Blessed is he that loveth his own. For he shalt be kept always warm.
Maffew 5:23 (Ben Carson Translation)
Carson is against gay marriage only because he believes the concentrations of body temperatures of two gay people in the same house will contribute to the rise in the global warming. America is faced with the choice of allowing people to live a life loving whomever they want according to the freedoms on which the country was founded, or having to deal with huge, homophobic hurricanes raining the hellfire and damnation of gay-bashing Jesus on the wicked and the righteous alike. It’s just biblical science.
These are only a few of the claims from our Uncle Ben. We are still looking into some of his other declarations, including his claim he won the 1968 Heisman Trophy, that he has an advanced degree from Hogwarts and he served as mayor of Narnia during the mid-eighties. Until then we hope someone gets whatever-the-hell-is-making-him-blink-so-much out of his eye, puts some bass in his voice and we leave you with the traditional parting of Dr. Carson:
Thug life bitches. Stay blessed, no-homo.