By Michael Harriot
I blame it on The Chronic.
No, not marijuana, which is a gift from the gods sent from the heavens that shouldn’t be demeaned or disparaged. I’m talking about Dr. Dre’s 1992 album (which is also a gift from the gods sent from heaven) and specifically the song “Bitches Ain’t Shit.” Don’t get me wrong, I loved the album and the song, and I do not want to put the entire weight of popularizing the belittling of women on the shoulders of one man or one song, but this is where I remember it beginning to take hold. I was talking to a young man who wanted to be a part of my fraternity, and someone asked him why he wanted to join. We expected a stock answer about public service, brotherhood or another member influencing his life. Instead, his answer surprised us all, and resulted in some people giggling and me asking him to leave. He responded:
“Because I don’t love these hoes.”
I remember thinking, “Uh-oh. Something’s happening here.”
To be fair, I would not credit one individual with changing the mindset of an entire generation, nor am I one of those people who lays the blame for society’s ills on music, television, video games or any kind of art. I vacillate back and forth on the age-old conundrum of whether art is the driving influence of society or simply a reflection of it. I know that album didn’t invent misogyny or even popularize it, but if we were creating a history of the fuccboi, I do think that album would have a dot on the timeline as when it became normalized.
Last week Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson asked for reality star Ciara’s hand in marriage. The Black internet immediately went ablaze offering varying opinions about their engagement. Women swooned over the idea of a multimillionaire proposing over an intimate private bonfire on an African island. Pragmatic people like me wondered, “if it was a private walk on the beach, who took the picture?” But perhaps the largest outcry came from the cheap seats of salty ninjas slamming Ciara as hood-boy leftovers’ like this one
Take a look at that, dear reader. Because this is the classic, textbook, Oxford English dictionary definition of a Fuccboi. We have previously explored the meaning of the term with extensive research, including the questioning of Kanye’s fuckboy credentials and citing Ciara’s baby daddy–Future’s extensive fuckboy resume. Again, I will point to Urban dictionary’s analytics to define the term clearly. We won’t retread those themes. A Fuccboi is a highly advanced fuckboy whose powers have become so unbelievably advanced that they deserve their own category and spelling. Instead of dwelling on definitions, however, I want to ask the larger, more existential questions:
Where did the fuccboi come from? What does the fuccboi want? Why are there suddenly so many fuccbois? Most importantly, how does one spot a fuccboi?
Let us begin our lesson.
Where does the fuccboi come from? This is a very complex question. Most anthropologists believe that the fuccboi is a descendant of the ancient bitchniggasaurus who eventually evolved into the paleo-pussyassnegrus. Because of environmental factors it became very strong and weaponized (like killer bees or the mosquitos that carry the Zika Virus).
There is a group of people (myself included) who offer an alternate theory called the 1983 Fuccboi Theorem. We hypothesize that during the 1980’s the widespread use of Jheri curl activator activated a “switch” in the DNA that turned on the fuccboi gene. During era of the late 80’s (the light-skinned epoch, as it is referred to in scientific journals) women became enamored with men who had “good hair,” leading to a proliferation of Jheri curls, and thus, the rise of the fuccboi. We are still doing preliminary archaeological testing on this theory, but if it holds up, it might be the biggest advancement in Black science since we discovered why church ladies add the letter “R” when they are trying to talk “proper.”
What Does the Fuccboi Want? What the Fuccboi wants is the most basic desire of every human being on the planet–to procreate. Simply put, fuccbois want more fuccbois, which is why they don’t hang out in packs like most living organisms. Instead, the fuccboi attaches himself to Real Negus and try to turn them into fuccbois. This is perhaps the biggest revelation of our research, because one would assume that if you met a real negus then he would be surrounded by the same. On the contrary dear student. Studies show that in groups of 3 or more men, 83% of them will have one fuccboi hiding in their midsts. What is even worse is, because fuccboiism is contagious, it can spread if the specific fuccboy is not ferreted out and ostracized quickly. Quarantine is the only known treatment for fuccbois.
Fuccbois also want attention. Fuccbois are cursed with a male ego that has been feminized and polluted by society, so they do not want to be the strongest or the fiercest. Instead, fuccbois want to be the prettiest. So much so that fuccbois have eclipsed almost every other subsection of society in their hater abilities. As a matter of fact, the word “hater” was invented by a fuccboi, and is in the first edition of the fuccboy encyclopedia along with the word “subtweet.” The word “shade” is also included in the glossary and it’s only definition is “shit fuccbois throw.”
Why are there suddenly so many fuccbois? Here is where we refer back to the first part of our essay. Men call women “hoes” now and we don’t even shudder. Men will publicly throw salt on who another man wants to call his wife and we shrug our shoulders. Fuccboi has been normalized. Not only are fuccbois breeding and converting on-the-fence “real negus,” but we exist in a society where the fuccbois are winning. Ciara is “leftovers” because she dated a fuccboi. It’s cool now. We like it. Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and trick. Between Fetty Wap lyrics and Kanye’s social media, fuccbois have a stronger recruiting force than Nick Saban and Mike Krzyzewski. The fuccbois are winning.
How does one spot a fuccboi? Spotting a fuccboi in the wild is very difficult. Like many species of wildlife, they survive by blending in to their habitat. Our team of researchers, however, has compiled a list that might help you spot a fuccboi.
- He uses emojis
- He uses the word “bitch” and “hoe” in the presence of women and justifies it with “but not you, though.”
- He spells the word though “tho”
- He gossips to you about the people he’s around every day.
- He has an elaborate hairstlye and/or colors his hair.
- He has never found love… or the clitoris
- He calls it the “click”
- He thinks “but that’s my nigga, though…” is a valid excuse
- He will fight a girl, and say “she hit me first.”
- He quit his last two jobs because they asked him to do something that wasn’t in his job description.
- He describes any kind of emotion that might make him seem human or caring as feeling “some type of way.”
- It actually goes down in his DMs
- His pants are tight enough to see the denominations of coins in his pockets.
- He wants nude pictures of you, but if you actually showed up in sexy lingerie, he’d run to bed… after he finished the last few minutes of this Playstation game.
- He’s better at conversations over text.
And there you have it, a brief foray into the world of fuccbois and why they exist. Be careful out there. Don’t let the fuccbois get you.
Thanks for asking.