by Michael Harriot
10. THE JESUS FREAK – This friend falls into two categories: Friend number one is marginally religious in real life. You usually see her at the club downing shots of Patron like it’s the antidote for a snakebite, but on Facebook, her status message is always an inspirational Bible verse.
Girl number two is actually into her religion, and interjects her faith into every conversation, status update, and comment. Whatever you say, her comment will usually begin with “Well the Bible says…” or some other religious catchphrase. I should’ve deleted you a long time ago… BUT GOD!
Hey girls, everyone likes religion, except when it’s pretentious and in-your-face. Most people’s religion is valuable to them because it’s a personal relationship, not an online marketing ploy. Stop celebrating the fact that you pray and know how to thank God, we all do! I know, I know… When God is for you, who can be against you?
Me and this “unfriend” button, that’s who.
9. THE PROMO GUY – You barely know this guy. He might be a DJ, or a friend with a band. He may have even hosted an event that you attended once, and he somehow finagled your Facebook page or email address from some list. He constantly sends you invites and tags you in flyer pics for parties you would NEVER go to. Hey Buddy, I like you, but I don’t think I’m really invited to the Fleisher bar mitzvah, and I don’t know if I want to go to the Grown and Sexy Spring Bling Booty Night. Thanks anyway, though.
8. THE UNAWARE FRIEND – No one ever confronts the heavy girl who makes inappropriate comments about fat people, but we should. We should also slip an anonymous note to the guy who has the I.Q. of a meerkat, spells like he dropped out in pre-K, but calls other people dumb, or the ghetto fabulous girl with the wig that looks like it is made of Barbie hair who laughs at other people’s fashion. Someone has to tell them. I nominate you.
7. YOUR MAMA – If your mother is on facebook, don’t friend her!!! Facebook is for keeping in touch with old friends. If you have to message your mom on a social networking site, then you need more therapy than a quick, witty remark can conjure up. I’m sorry. Really, I am.
6. THE DUDE WHO WORKS WITH YOU – Here’s the scenario: Jimmy works in the office (or cubicle) next to yours, plays on the company softball team, and even once invited you to his house for a barbecue. One day a friend request from Jimmy pops up on Facebook. What do you do? It’s simple: Ignore the friend request and act like you’ve never seen it. If he asks you about it, hem and haw and make a seamless transition into this weekend’s NFL action. If he is persistent, then it’s clear what you have to do:
You have to kill Jimmy.
I think it was Sun Tzu who said in The Art of War: “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your co-workers off your damn Facebook page.”
5. THE LATE FRIEND – If you log into Facebook, and see the status “R.I.P. Michael Jackson,” this is the friend we are discussing. This friend always seems to have “news” from last week, month or year. I’ve always found it difficult to understand how someone with the internet could be behind so often, but I have a theory: Some of our friends have time machines. My second theory (which is probably more sane) is that they watch last week’s news on their DVR.
4. THE SERIAL ACCOUNT DELETER – Once a month, this attention-starved Facebook friend makes a bold announcement: “I’m going to start deleting people!” This usually occurs around a birthday or New Years, because they are “making a new start.” The sad thing is, they never delete YOU. Oh, how I’ve tried to be deleted from their list! Sometimes I even suggest myself to be deleted, as a sacrificial lamb, but alas, they never go through with it. The next time one of your friends announces they are leaving, just write this comment under their status:
3. THE OPEN BOOK – This is the friend that is so desperate for attention that they divulge every single moment of their lives. You can tell how many calories they consume because they post every meal, and a pic from the display on the elliptical every day. Sometimes the things you see on facebook are actually startling, and you might not know you are startling people, so here are a few hints: If you have pictures in your underwear taken with your cell phone camera in the mirror, you should probably take them down. If you fight with your babydaddy, your “haters” or your ex’s new “friend” on facebook, you should erase it. If you have revealed a little too much about yourself, thank God that the site has a “remove” button.
P.S. Send those underwear mirror shots to me
2. MY MAMA – I already warned you about friending your mama Now, I want to warn you about friending my mama. Trust me, nothing good will come out of it. You’ll just be inundated with updates about her grandchildren, biscuit recipes and bible verses. Plus, she can’t see that well, so when she “likes” something you say, you can’t be sure if she thinks it’s funny, or she was just trying to delete you. Trust me on this one. (Don’t worry about her reading this; I intentionally made the font too small.)
And the worst Facebook friend of all is:
1. THAT DUDE/GIRL YOU DON’T KNOW – There is only one thing worse than being annoyed by someone you know: being annoyed by a complete stranger. EVERYONE has been friended by someone whose facebook photo looks vaguely familiar. Maybe you went out on a date with them once, or maybe they sat behind you in homeroom, but you have no idea who they are. The worst part is, they are always the first to comment on your status, your photos and laugh their asses off, or out loud whenever you make a joke. You are annoyed by this person because they usually have one or more of the other worst facebook friends characteristics, and contact you more than your real friends. They are an enigma, because they seem to be so familiar with you, so you have to become the facebook detective –- checking out their friends, their “info” page and scrutinizing their photos for clues. Calm down, it’s just someone you slept with in Cancun…
Or the Feds. They know you killed Jimmy.