Before you read this article, allow me to say that I am not an Atlanta Falcons fan. Although the city is my second home, my hate for the New England Patriots has nothing to do with them playing against the Atlanta Falcons.
It has everything to do with my hate for Tom Brady.
I used to like Tom Brady. Even though I now think he is a douchebag, I still objectively must admit that he is probably the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL. I’ve only hated him for a couple of years, although I couldn’t pinpoint why. It wasn’t Deflategate. I wasn’t even mad about the spying incident. I wasn’t even jealous of his proto-Aryan good looks or the cleft in his chin that looks like God finished sculpting Tom, picked his scalpel back up and said, “hold up… let me just make sure he gets all the pussy.”
Then I figured it out. My hate for Tom Brady started about the same time Sunny-Douchebag descended the elevators from the Death Star and entered the presidential election. For the sake of fairness, you should know that I hated Tom Brady before I even knew he was a friend, supporter and ally of the pussy-grabbing bandito, but I hate Tom Brady for the same reason I hate the dickhead-in-chief:
Tom Brady is Donald Trump.
Don’t give me the side-eye, bruh. I know what I’m talking about. If you don’t believe me, let me spell it out for you:
1. They love “model chicks:” Let me ask you a serious question: If Barack Obama had five kids by three different women, do you think he could have ever become president? Let me answer that for you:
Hell fuckshit nah!
They would’ve called Obama the philanderer-in-chief and everything else in the Big Book of Racist Slurs. Everyone knows Donald Trump’s ex-wife accused him of brutally raping her, and we know about his infidelities (even though his party claims to be about “family values), but no one seems to recall that Tom Brady left the mother of his oldest child while she was pregnant with his son to start dating a supermodel! That’s some savage, Trump-like shit right there. I don’t know how they broke up, but I imagine thatBrady called The Donald for some breakup advice, and after he listened, he sat down with Bridgette Moynahan, looked his baby momma in the eyes and sweetly told her:
2. Neither of them thinks their cheating matters When Donald Trump won the 2016 election, he spent the first week explaining how Russian interference had nothing to do with the outcome. After the CIA released a report saying the election had been tampered with, he insisted he won it fair and square, according to the electoral college. And according to Trump logic, if 3 or four million illegal immigrants hadn’t finagled their way into voting booths across America, he would’ve won the popular vote, too. That’s what Donald Says.
Just like Donald, Tom Brady says he didn’t deflate any footballs. After they released a report that says the New England Patriots deflated the balls–like Donald–Brady switched his story to “it didn’t matter anyway, we still would’ve won.”
During the inquiry, the investigators asked Tom Brady if they could examine his phone for evidence. Tom Brady immediately smashed his phone into tiny bits because he was hiding the fact that…
You know what? I can’t blame Tom for that one. If anyone wanted to investigate my phone, I’d smash it into pieces so tiny they’d have to piece it together from the individual atomic molecules.
3. They both benefit from evil geniuses behind the scenes: Donald Trump’s empire is guided by two men–Steve Bannon, the white supremacist and former head of Breitbart News that gave rise to the mainstreaming of white nationalism. The second man is Steven Miller, a more fervent White supremacist who–before his appointment–traveled around the country championing transgender bathroom laws and voter suppression laws. Both men describe themselves as nationalists and have connections to some of the most despicable racists in the country. Bannon hired and paid Milo Yiannopolous–the man who stalked Leslie Jones, and was som mean he was kicked off twitter. Miller was mentored by Richard Spencer–the white nationalist who was famously punched on CNN and calls for a “peaceful ethnic cleansing.”
If you look at the organizational chart of the Galactic Evil Empire, Bill Belichik (also a Trump supporter) is the Darth Sidious behind the scenes guiding Tom Brady’s every move. I don’t know Bill Belichik personally (and as far as I can tell, no one–not even Brady, team owner Robert Kraft, Bills wife or his kids–knows him intimately) but he just looks evil. Bill Belichick looks like he gets his extraordinary coaching prowess from dining on the decapitated heads of baby kittens every night. He looks like he built up his children’s toughness by making them play catch with Chinese throwing stars. He looks like the only time he ever smiled was during the part in The Lion King when Scar killed Mufasa.
4. Their followers are kinda racist: Everyone tries to explain how Donald Trump’s voters aren’t racist–even though he was endorsed by the Ku Klux Klan. Even though white supremacist groups gathered to celebrate his victory. Even though he placed a white supremacist on the National Security Council.
Nah, they aren’t racists. They are racist-adjacent. They are comfortable voting, for, supporting and living under the rule of someone who is openly hostile to immigrants, Muslims, blacks and every other culture. They’ll stand next to the flaming cross, but they won’t light it themselves.
Remember when the New England Patriots thanked the “Hateniggers” twitter account for helping them reach a million twitter followers? Remember how the Boston Red Sox were the last Major League Baseball team to integrate their roster, or how Boston Bruins fans taunted a Black player with racist slurs a couple of years ago? Or how someone once broke into Bill Russel’s house and took a shit on his bed? Remember Maine (no, New England is not a state. It is a region that includes Maine, Massachusetts Connecticut, New Hampshire, Rhode Island and Vermont) governor LePage that the 95% of the drug dealers were Black men trying top impregnate their white women?
5. They always win You know what the frustrating thing about Trump and Brady is: Even when they are suspended for four games by the league, or caught having a golden shower in Russia, no one cares. Everyone always forgives their trespasses because they come back and win the game. However you feel about Donald Trump, you have to admit that he’s a winner,
In fact, After World war 4 (World War 3 will be during Trump’s first term, but he’ll win a second term by campaigning to “Make America Great Again, Again.”) when Australia and Mexico drop nuclear bombs on West Moscow (what they renamed New York), hundreds of years after the nuclear radiation dissipates, they will search through the Rubble and find 3 things so indestructible, they never vaporized into thin air:
- Donald Trump’s toupee.
- Kim Kardashian’s booty.
- All 19 New England Patriots Super Bowl rings wrapped in a Nazi flag, sealed with a “Trump/Brady 2020” bumper sticker.