Yesterday the Dorito-colored douchebag we call President Trump damn near started World War 3 with a contentious phone call to the President of Mexico. Because NegusWhoRead is tied in with people of color around the world, we have a plug for everything, so, of course we have transcripts for the phone call:
10:14 a.m. Oval Office phone
Enrique Peña Nieto: Hello?
Donald Trump: (giggling) Yes, I’d like to order the beef taco, two enchiladas, four cheese tortilla…
EPN: Excuse me?
DT: It’s President Donald Trump. (Laughing) I’m just kidding. I know you hear that joke all the time.
EPN: Actually, sir I don’t. I am the president of the eleventh largest country in the world. Not very many people would say something that disrespectful to–
DT: (interrupting)…Anyway Ricky–may I call you Ricky?
EPN: No, you may not.
DT: Ok, Ricky. Listen, I know we got off on the wrong foot last week when we mutually decided to cancel our last meeting:
EPN: “Mutually decided?” We didn’t mutually decide anything. You wanted to talk about Mexico paying for a wall and I told you that the only thing Mexico would pay for was if you shoved a stick of dynamite up your ass, we might pay someone to light the fuse.”
DT: Ok, let’s just agree to disagree. Listen, I wanted to talk to you about your “bad hombres” flooding my border.
EPN: I don’t know what you’re talking about Mr. President. Net immigration from Mexico to the U.S. has been at zero for almost ten years. More Mexicans leave the U.S. than enter illegally. There’s simply no statistical evidence for what you’re talking about. In fact, most economists say undocumented Mexicans have an overall positive effect on the U.S. economy. Those alt-right guys are playing you for stupid again, Mr. Trump.
DT: Stupid? Are you calling me stupid? I’ll have you know that I was just at KFC, and there were Mexicans everywhere! Not to mention that I heard almost 3 million of your citizens voted in our last election. Donald Trump is not stupid. If I’m so stupid, how come I’m president, huh?
EPN: Because the only people stupider than you are the racist white people who voted for you because you ginned up fear about Mexican rapists and–
DT: First of all, Ricky Ricardo, first of all, Americans don’t drink gin. We drink good ole, America tequila! Secondly, if Americans were so racist, how come we are taking all of the Mexican innovations? Did your people invent the Taco Bell Naked Chicken Chalupa? No, they didn’t. If you’re so smart, then why are there more Taco Bells here in the U.S. than in Mexico? Answer that, Rico Suavé.
EPN: (sigh) Listen Mr. President, I know you are being influenced by your alt-right cabinet, but don’t let them–
DT: Listen, Ricardo Esteban–don’t let this orange tan fool you. I’m not down with your people taking over my country. Are you going to make me send troops over there? I don’t have time to play games with you, I have a press conference about Black History Month to get to. We haven’t let Omarosa and Ben Carson out of their cages for three days. So–for one last time–are you going to pay for the wall or not? After all the money Americans spend at your resorts (Although I stopped going to Cancun because when you advertised “golden showers” and I went to the resort, and saw that you meant actual shower nozzles plated with gold, I vowed to never visit again)…
EPN: Oh, we might have to pay for a wall. After you turn America into the sequel to Mad Max we might have to build something to keep your citizens for streaming over the border, but we ain’t paying you for shit! And don’t call me again with this bullshit. The next time I see your name on the caller ID, I’m going to block your number. Goodbye, asshole lips!
I can’t believe Speedy Gonzalez hung up on me! He has no respect for the white man!
Fuck it, let’s call Australia. No, Steve, I don’t need to brush up on our Australian policy. I know Australia has kangaroos, and I saw the movie Crocodile Dundee like 3 times. Just dial the number to the Prime Minister.
At least he’s white.